WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
NOW, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'VE GOT A LITTLE EXTRA PEP IN
MY STEP TONIGHT BECAUSE DONALD
TRUMP HAS LEFT THE COUNTRY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BREATHING A LITTLE EASIER.
FEDERAL JUDGES, NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO REINSTATE THAT
TRAVEL BAN.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S FLYING BACK FROM A
DANGEROUS PART OF THE WORLD.
HE SAID SOME RADICAL STUFF.
I'M JUST SAYING, EXTREME VETTING.
THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING FOR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
WHERE DOES HIS MONEY COME FROM, SO MANY UNKNOWNS.
HIS FIRST STOP THIS WEEKEND WAS SAUDI ARABIA, WHERE TRUMP WAS
GREETED ON THE TARMAC BY KING SALMAN.
THAT'S NICE.
NOT ALL ROYALTY WILL DUNE AIRPORT PICKUP.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST CALL ME, I'LL BE CIRCLING.
JUST CALL ME.
THE SAUDIS KNOW THAT THE QUICKEST WAY TO TRUMP'S HEART IS
THROUGH HIS EGO.
SO THEY PUT UP TRUMP-THEMED BILLBOARDS EVERYWHERE.
INCLUDING ONE OF HIS TWEETS, "GREAT TO BE IN RIYADH, SAUDI
ARABIA.
LOOKING FORWARD TO THE AFTERNOON AND EVENING AHEAD.
#POTUS-ABROAD."
( LAUGHTER ) THEY EVEN PUT ONE OF HIS TWEETS
ON THE WELCOME SIGN.
"WELCOME TO RIYADH.
ROSIE O'DONNELL IS A FAT PIG."
( LAUGHTER ) SURPRISED THEY DID THAT.
THAT SIGN IS NOT HALAL NOW.
THEY EVEN PROJECTED HIS FACE FIVE STORIES HIGH ONTO THE WALL
OF HIS HOTEL.
NO, NO, YOU HAVE TO -- THAT WAY, IF HE GOT LOST, HE
COULD FIND HIS WAY BACK.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, BACK WHEN OBAMA MADE THE
SAME TRIP, TRUMP TWEETED, "MANY PEOPLE ARE SAYING IT WAS
WONDERFUL THAT MRS. OBAMA REFUSED TO WEAR A SCARF IN SAUDI
ARABIA, BUT THEY WERE INSULTED.
WE HAVE 'EEE-NOOF' ENEMIES."
( LAUGHTER ) EEE-NOOF.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, IT WAS A SURPRISE WHEN
MELANIA EMERGED FROM AIR FORCE ONE ALSO WITHOUT A SCARF.
BUT SHE CLEVERLY DREW ATTENTION AWAY FROM HER HEAD BY WEARING
ONE OF HER HUSBAND'S W.W.E.
BELTS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
ATOMIC.
SHE'LL ATOMIC DROP YOU.
BOOM!
DIAMOND CUTTER!
( APPLAUSE ) THEN THERE'S THE BOW.
SOMEHOW, THE SAUDI KING ALWAYS GETS THE U.S. PRESIDENT TO BOW.
IT HAPPENED TO GEORGE BUSH IN 2008, AND OBAMA IN 2009.
TRUMP GAVE OBAMA A LOT OF GRIEF FOR THAT.
SO THERE WAS "NO WAY" TRUMP WAS GOING TO BOW WHEN KING SALMAN
GAVE HIM THE MEDAL.
HERE HE IS GOING FROM THE KNEES -- TRYING NOT TO -- AND
THE BOW, AND A LITTLE CURTSY AT THE END THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
VERY NICE.
THANK YOU.
( PIANO RIFF ) IT DOESN'T MATTER.
YOU'VE GOT TO BOW TO GET THE THING AROUND YOUR NECK.
BUT IT'S KIND OF A DIRTY TRICK BY THE SAUDI KING.
FIRST OF ALL, HE'S SHORT.
SECOND, HE'S HOLDS THE MEDAL HERE.
"COME AND GET IT -- LIMBO LOWER -- HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?"
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, AFTER ARRIVING, THE
PRESIDENT THEN TOOK PART IN A TRADITIONAL CELEBRATORY SWORD
DANCE CALLED THE "ARDHA."
AND HERE'S TRUMP, SWORD-FLOPPING TO THE BEAT.
"I'M NOT HERE TO CAUSE NO TROUBLE.
I'M JUST HERE TO DO THE MIDDLE EAST SHUFFLE."
( LAUGHTER ) THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
( PIANO RIFF ) JUST KIND OF DOING IT.
JUST KIND OF DOING IT.
YOU CAN KIND OF HEAR WHAT HE'S THINKING.
HE'S GOING -- "OKAY, DONNY, THIS IS WEIRD, BUT
GET THROUGH IT, AND THEY'LL LET YOU MEET THE GENIE."
IT'S GOING TO BE FUN, I'M GOING TO WISH FOR ALL THE WISHES.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S HARD TO TELL WHAT SONG
THESE GUYS ARE DANCING TO.
CAN WE GET THE SOUND TURNED UP, JIM?
( ♪ IT'S RAINING MEN ♪ ) ( ♪ IT'S RAINING MEN ♪ )
( APPLAUSE ) BUT NOT EVERYONE LOOKED
COMFORTABLE AT THE PARTY.
HERE'S STEVE BANNON REALIZING THESE ARE NOT THE KIND OF MEN IN
WHITE ROBES HE'S USED TO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WHAT?!
WHAT?!
WE JOKE.
WE JOKE BECAUSE WE LOVE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WASN'T ALL SWORD PLAY.
TRUMP ALSO HELPED AT THE OPENING CEREMONY FOR "THE GLOBAL CENTER
FOR COMBATING EXTREMIST IDEOLOGY" BY LAYING HANDS UPON
THIS GLOWING ORB!
( LAUGHTER ) WHATEVER QUALITIES THAT MAGICAL
SPHERE CONFERS: ETERNAL YOUTH IS NOT ONE OF THEM.
FELLAS, IF I MAY, YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOUR
"NOT-LOOKING-LIKE-SUPERVILLAINS" SKILLS.
LOOK AT THAT!
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ACTIVATING THE UNDERSEA ROBOT TO EMERGE
FROM ITS VOLCANO BASE AND KILL AQUAMAN.
( LAUGHTER ) JIM, CAN WE PULL OUT AND SEE WHO
ELSE IS THERE?
SARUMAN AND GARGAMEL.
I KNEW IT!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE, THE CENTERPIECE OF -- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE
DOING.
>> Jon: YEAH, I DON'T EITHER.
>> Stephen: I WOULD BE SURPRISED IF YOU DID KNOW.
IF YOU KNEW, I WOULD BE A LITTLE WORRIED.
>> Jon: YEAH, I KNOW.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, THE CENTERPIECE OF
TRUMP'S SAUDI VISIT WAS HIS SPEECH TO THE MUSLIM WORLD,
WHICH HE APPARENTLY GAVE IN CRAZY AHMED'S CHANDELIER
EMPORIUM.
TRUMP HAD A LOT OF KIND WORDS ABOUT HIS HOST REGION.
>> SAUDI ARABIA IS HOME TO THE HOLIEST SITES IN ONE OF THE
WORLD'S GREAT FAITHS.
ALL OVER THE WORLD, PEOPLE DREAM OF WALKING THROUGH THE RUINS OF
PETRA IN JORDAN.
IRAQ WAS THE CRADLE OF CIVILIZATION AND IS A LAND OF
NATURAL BEAUTY.
THE ENTIRE REGION IS AT THE CENTER OF THE KEY SHIPPING LANES
OF THE SUEZ CANAL, THE RED SEA, AND THE STRAITS OF HORMUZ.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A HARD SELL.
IT REALLY FEELS LIKE HE'S TRYING TO SELL A TIME SHARE ON THE EUPHRATES.
( LAUGHTER ) "EACH UNIT COMES WITH A PLUNGE
POOL AND GYM ACCESS!
ACT NOW, AND WE'LL THROW IN A FREE GLOWING ORB!"
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT DOES.
( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP ALSO LAID OUT HOW HE WAS
GOING TO HELP SAUDI ARABIA.
>> THIS LANDMARK AGREEMENT INCLUDES THE ANNOUNCEMENT
OF A $110 BILLION SAUDI-FUNDED DEFENSE PURCHASE, AND WE WILL BE
SURE TO HELP OUR SAUDI FRIENDS TO GET A GOOD DEAL FROM OUR
GREAT AMERICAN DEFENSE COMPANIES.
>> Stephen: YEAH, ALSO WE'RE RUNNING A DEAL.
IF YOU BUY 10 F-35 FIGHTER JETS, BRING IN YOUR FULLY PUNCHED
CARD, WE'LL THROW IN A FREE SUB.
A NUCLEAR SUB.
( APPLAUSE ) WILBUR ROSS ALSO ENJOYED THE
TRIP.
>> THERE WAS NOT A SINGLE HINT OF A PROTESTER DURING THE WHOLE
TIME WE WERE THERE.
NOT ONE GUY WITH A BAD PLACARD.
>> Stephen: YEAH, SO GREAT!
NO PROTESTERS ANYWHERE IN SAUDI ARABIA!
NOBODY HOLDING UP A BAD PLACARD OR ANYTHING.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S PRETTY HARD TO HOLD UP
ANYTHING WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY HANDS.
NOW, I KNOW THAT SOUNDS DARK.
I DON'T WANT TO EXAGGERATE HOW SAUDI ARABIA CUTS OFF PROTESTERS
HANDS.
IN FACT, PROTESTING IS PUNISHABLE BY DECAPITATION.
SO SAUDI PROTESTERS ARE A LOT MORE CALM THAN HERE.
NO PLACARDS.