- [Dave] There's a black man sitting in a desk
directly to your right.
Look at him.
- Morpheus?
- Sike!
(laughter)
It's Earl, I need your stapler.
I can't find mine.
(upbeat music)
- I worked at a couple of fast food places.
Parked cars at wrestling.
I couldn't pay the rent
and I was too ashamed to go home.
That's when I met Kit.
She was a hooker and made it sound so great.
- Okay.
You gotta get the (beep) outta here.
(laughter)
(sobbing)
- Molly.
Molly.
- [Dave] Hey Molly,
your husband's clothes fit funny, girl.
(laughter)
- Well they look better on you than they ever did on him.
Why don't you take them off?
- Not a bad idea.
- Hm.
- You ready to get some of this loving?
- [Molly] You bet your ass I am.
It's my dumb ass husband who's dead, not me.
- You ready to step into the jungle?
- [Molly] Oh yeah.
What do you say?
- [Dave] Oh man.
- [Man] Molly!
- Oh, you know I see you.
You know I, yeah I'm looking right at you.
You, the ghost.
I see you.
You freaky man, you like to watch?
You wanna watch?
How this make you feel?
(cheering)
- [Man] Man, I could just slide a finger
down the crack of that ass.
(laughter)
- [Man] I wish my boys could see this,
look at the ass on that.
- [Man] I'd like to have doggy style sex with her.
(laughter)
- [Man] Damn, look at her nipples man.
(laughter)
- [Boy] I would put a hurting on that bitch.
(laughter)
(applause)
Damn!
(laughter)
(suspenseful music)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
- [Earl] Hello Neo, do you know who this is?
- Morpheus?
- [Earl] Yes.
I've been looking for you Neo.
I don't know if you're ready to see what I want to show you
but unfortunately, you and I have run out of time.
They're coming for you Neo
and I don't know what they're going to do.
- Who's coming for me?
- [Earl] Stand up and see for yourself.
(suspenseful music)
- Shit!
- [Earl] I can guide you out of there,
but you must do exactly as I say.
- Okay.
- [Earl] The cubicle across from you is empty.
(suspenseful music)
Go, now!
(suspenseful music)
Stay there.
(suspenseful music)
When I tell you, go to the end of the hall.
Stay as low as you can.
Now!
(farting sound)
(laughter)
(suspenseful music)
There is a black man sitting in a desk
directly to your right.
Look at him.
- Morpheus?
- Sike!
(laughter)
It's Earl, I need your stapler.
I can't find mine.
(laughter)
Hello dumb dumb, do you know who this is?
(laughter)
- Dude, you totally got me.
- Whoa.
(laughter)
(applause)
Please be seated.
Hello America.
As you all know, there's an asteroid the size of Maine
speeding towards Earth as we speak.
I'd like to take a moment out of the day
to address the allegations that this is somehow my fault.
(laughter)
Firstly, I'd like to say that these allegations
are absolutely and 100% false.
Secondly and most importantly, I'd like to say that
you mother (beep) disgust me!
You god damn right, I said it.
If you knew just one of the things
I was sworn to secrecy too,
you would buckle under the god damn pressure.
- Mr. President?
Like what?
- How about this?
I have here in my hand the cure for AIDS.
We've had this for 25 years.
(gasping)
Have a great weekend.
(laughter)
Did I shock you?
Are you crazy yet?
Well, I have someone I'd like you to meet.
Come on up here Paula.
America, I'd like you to meet my good friend Paula.
And here's Paula again, and here's Paula one more time.
We cloned these three bitches in a laboratory in Seattle
some 19 odd years ago.
(laughter)
Not only that, we added a pinch of black gene
so that they could do things like this.
Hit it girls.
♪ Running through the rain drops ♪
♪ Wishing that you won't stop ♪
- That'll be enough, thank you very much.
All right baby.
Oh hold on, Paula.
Here's the cure for AIDS.
Sorry about last night.
(laughter)
You freaked out yet?
Have I blown your mind?
Or do you think you could still handle my job?
Because if you're cocky
and you think that you got hold of this,
I got some more information for you.
Would you like to know who killed Kennedy?
- Yes.
- Who killed Kennedy?
- [Dave] Ready for the truth America?
Here it comes.
Oswald killed Kennedy.
That's right, Lee Harvey Oswald killed John F. Kennedy
alone and by himself with a magic bullet.
That's right, the bullet was actually magical.
Magic does exist,
we've known about this for some two thousand years.
I bet I blew your mind right there, didn't I?
I'm really on a roll when I don't care,
because the world's gonna end any day now.
So I might as well introduce you
to a good friend of mine, Bibble.
Bibble, come on up here.
- [Man] Oh my god, is that an alien?
(laughter)
- America, this is Bibble.
Bibble is a space creature that lives very far away
in a galaxy called Nebulon Five.
And he is solely responsible for the wave of technology
we've seen over the last few decades.
Cell phones, pagers, Play Station one and two,
you might think it was the Japanese who were responsible,
but anyone in the know, knows that it was Bibble,
for shizzle, and all by Bibble
'cause only Bibble could keep it so real.
(laughter)
Hey yo, Bibble is the space ship ready?
- Yah, yah.
- I'm ready to get out of here.
Okay, me and Bibble are about to leave.
But before we go, I just wanna say
there's no hope for the planet Earth.
There's no way to stop the asteroid
and you're all gonna die.
Everyone except for me, and of course Bibble,
who's been so kind to let me accompany him on his spaceship
and I'm bringing those three cloned white women with me.
Goodbye America.
I hope you all die in a fiery death
when the meteor hits next Tuesday.
Come on Bibble, let's get out of here.
- Yah, yah.
(applause)
(classical music)
- What's with all the stretching?
- Oh, you know, all the old adage.
Big boobs, bad back.
- Yeah.
All set?
- I'm a little worried.
I didn't have a clean sports bra,
so I had to wear a regular one.
- You'll be fine, let's go.
(drumming)
Don't worry Shelia, I'm sure nobody notices.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- [Man] Look at that lady.
- [Man] Yeah, her bassoons are like
bouncing around and everything.
(laughter)
- They're not talking about you.
- Sweet Jesus, did you see the jugs on that brunette?
- I'm gonna go in.
- Shelia, it's okay.
- It's not okay.
(grunting)
It's not okay!
Stupid boobs!
Nothing but an inconvenience.
I wish I didn't have them.
(gasps)
- Careful what you wish for.
- What?
Who are you?
- Who I am is not important.
But what you said about those titties is.
(laughter)
Follow me.
(magical sounds)
It's easy, try it.
- [Shelia] Hey, that's me!
And that's Frank,
the human resources man at my office.
He's always slobbering over me.
- Not today.
- [Shelia] So that's why I think I'm
qualified for the promotion.
- Yeah, well um, we'll see.
- Why is he being so dismissive?
What happened to my boobs?
(laughter)
- Oh, you just answered your own question.
Them puppies is gone girl, just like you wished for.
- How did it go?
- Not well.
That woman was a flat chested boar.
Our clients will never respond to her.
For Pete's sake, she's got no melons.
- [Man] So should I tell her
she's not getting the promotion?
- Yes, in fact tell that tit-less freak she's fired.
- Oh, I'm on it.
- Ugh, are guys really like that?
- No.
- My guy friends aren't like that.
(laughter)
- Buy aka.
- Oh, look it's Paul.
He's always been so helpful to me, such a loyal friend.
Hey buddy.
I have a painting I need to hang up in my bedroom.
Do you think you could help?
- Wow, I didn't even know we were buddies.
I always thought I was your personal handy man
'cause you're constantly asking me for favors
that I don't wanna do.
You know what you need?
A new set of titties and a boyfriend.
And you'll be all set all right?
(laughter)
What's gotten into him?
- Well, it's not what's gotten into him,
as much as it is what's gotten out of you.
And by that of course, I mean your massive milk bladders.
- Paul wait, I still have big boobs!
- He can't see you.
- We'll see about that.
(bell ringing)
- He can't see you, but my black ass got 20/20 vision,
god damn Shelia!
- You men are the worst!
- You're right.
Oh my god Shelia, you are right.
Women, the fairer sex, they would never ever
judge another woman by the size of her boobies,
now would they?
Mazel tov.
(magical sounds)
- Hey wait, those are my friends.
- Oh, were?
- Where's Shelia?
Wasn't she supposed to be a bridesmaid?
- Oh, I was gonna have her be one, but then I thought,
am I getting bridesmaids
starting in itty bitty titty committee?
- Oh!
(laughter)
- I didn't even invite her to my wedding.
- Oh snap!
(laughter)
- How could she do that?
- 'Cause your friends are bitches.
Besides Shelia, even girls love girls with huge tits.
(laughter)
- I had no idea these things were so important.
- Oh, keep it real girl.
Them things are life savers.
Listen, I didn't wanna put this on you
but the fate of the world, you hear me,
the world rests on them chestacles.
Shazam!
(alarm beeping)
- Hey, where do I know that crazy guy from?
- He used to live next door to you.
You know, masturbating to you and those giant cans of yours
was all he had to live for.
Once you took that away, he lost his mind
and blew up the world.
That's a lot Shelia.
- [Shelia] No!
No!
No, I don't want the world to end
just because of my sweater puppets.
- Aw, that's a beautiful thought.
You should have thought about that
before you wished them sweet tits away.
The world's gonna end in about 10 seconds.
Which is just enough time to suck a titty.
But where would I find a titty from?
I just, hey it's Shelia.
(screaming)
(birds chirping)
- You've taught me a valuable lesson today.
I'm never going to curse my fun bags again.
In fact, I might even get implants.
- All right.
- You listen world, I've got humongoid knockers
and I'm proud of them!
(applause)
Thanks Mister.
You must be an angel or something.
- Angel?
I ain't no angel, I'm a janitor.
(keys jingling)
- [Shelia] Then how did you show me all those places?
- Girl, I am high on PCP.
I just don't see how you was following it.
You smoked some, a little some?
- No, who are you?
- I'm just a (beep) that love titties.
Have a good day miss.
(applause)