FOLKS, EACH NIGHT IN THE MONOLOGUE, RIGHT OVER THERE,
WHERE I'M STANDING, I DISH OUT A HEARTY TUNA NOODLE CASSEROLE
OF ALL THE STORIES PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT.
BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO SCRAPE TOGETHER ALL THE LITTLE
BITS OF UNCOOKED PASTA, COVER THEM WITH GLITTER AND GLUE, AND
STRING THEM TOGETHER INTO THE GLORIOUS MACARONI NECKLACE OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SONG OF FREEDOM.
SONG OF FREEDOM!
MEANWHILE, IN LATE-BREAKING RADIOHEAD NEWS,
HACKERS STOLE UNRELEASED RADIOHEAD RECORDINGS
AND THREATENED TO RELEASE THEM UNLESS THE BAND PAID $150,000,
SO THE BAND RELEASED THE RECORDINGS INSTEAD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO WHAT WAS THIS BLACKMAILING PLAN?
"HELLO, THOM YORKE.
I HAVE YOUR ALBUM.
IF YOU DON'T PAY ME, I WILL REVEAL TO THE WORLD HOW
ORIGINAL, YET TIMELESS, YOUR MUSIC IS, ENSURING YOU A NEW
GENERATION OF FANS.
YOU HAVE 24 HOURS TO-- WHAT?!"
MEANWHILE, "WALMART IS LAUNCHING A SERVICE THAT WILL HAVE
EMPLOYEES BRING GROCERIES DIRECTLY INTO YOUR HOME."
IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO FELT THE ONE THING LACKING FROM THEIR
WALMART EXPERIENCE WAS "HOME INVASION."
( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE WE'RE NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT A BOX OF GROCERIES ON THE
PORCH HERE.
"EMPLOYEES WILL BRING THEM RIGHT INSIDE THE PURCHASER'S HOME AND
PUT THEM AWAY IN THEIR KITCHEN."
WALMART HASN'T ANNOUNCED HOW MUCH THE SERVICE WILL COST, BUT
IT CAN'T BE AS CHEAP AS COSTCO'S NEW SERVICE, "WE STAY OUT OF
YOUR HOUSE FOR FREE!"
( APPLAUSE )
IF THIS WHOLE THING SOUNDS A LITTLE CREEPY, DON'T WORRY,
THE COMPANY PROMISES ONLY TO SEND "A TRAINED AND VETTED
WALMART ASSOCIATE, WHO HAS BEEN WITH A LOCAL STORE FOR AT LEAST
A YEAR."
WELL, THAT'S ALL THE REASSURANCE I NEED.
"MY, GOD, HONEY!
THERE'S A STRANGE MAN RUMMAGING AROUND OUR KITCHEN."
"CALM DOWN.
HE'S WORKED AT WALMART FOR A YEAR."
"YOU CAN LEAVE HIM WITH THE KIDS."
( APPLAUSE )
FOUND THAT "MILLENNIAL DADS HAVE PATHETIC DO-IT-YOURSELF SKILLS
COMPARED TO BABY BOOMERS."
A SURVEY OF "1,000 MILLENNIAL DADS AND 1,000 BABY BOOMER DADS
FOUND THAT WHEN A D.I.Y. TASK NEEDS TO BE DONE AT HOME, MORE
THAN HALF OF MILLENNIALS PREFER TO CALL A PROFESSIONAL."
MAYBE, MAYBE BECAUSE MILLENNIAL DADS GREW UP WATCHING THEIR
BOOMER DADS ATTEMPT TO DO IT THEMSELVES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "THE PORCH BURNED DOWN, THE HOT
WATER IS COLD, AND THE COLD WATER TAP IS NATURAL GAS, BUT I
DID IT MYSELF!
I FEEL DIZZY, DID SOMEONE LEAVE THE COLD WATER ON?"
MEANWHILE, "ALCOHOL IS NOW BEING MARKETED AS A 'WELLNESS' DRINK."
THE MARATHON BREWING COMPANY HAS A NEW BEER CALLED "26.2,"
PURPORTED TO BE A BEER "FOR RUNNERS, BY RUNNERS."
26.2, BECAUSE JUST LIKE A MARATHON YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD
ENOUGH WHEN YOU'RE PUKING IN THE STREETS WITH BLEEDING NIPPLES.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TIM McGRAW AND JON MEACHAM.