You know, in the 1980s, men didn’t look at Rambo and Predator like movies, or Contra
like a video game…they looked at these things, as options.
I’m not really sure why, there’s probably some kind of socioeconomic factors at work
here…but around 1984, there was a great male awakening, where all the sudden, men
wanted to watch buff men blow sh*t up.
Men wanted to be buff men blowing sh*t up.
But men also wanted stuff, in the 1980s—they were firmly entrenched in a decade-long love
affair, with rampant consumerism.
They weren’t buff, and the only thing they were blowing up were their credit cards.
So they acted out these desires, in the form of consumer media.
Er go, Rambo and Predator and Contra.
And all the things similar to those things, that were all doing the same thing…taking
men to a wondrous, violent, sweaty, bicep-bulging fantasy land, where they could finally blow
sh*t up.
Heavy Barrel is one of those things.
Welcome to a bicep-bulging fantasy land.
Now, is there anything original about this stuff?
No, big f’ing deal.
Who cares?
When you’re blowing up tanks with a flamethrower, who cares?
This is the ultimate 1980s male fantasy, I’m parachuting down to who knows where and immediately
shooting everyone I see—also, I’m wearing a bandana, probably, and have a machete in
my arm band.
I’d pull it out, but now’s not the time, phrasing.
I have too many nameless, faceless grunts to kill.
And I’m going to invite some of my man buddies over to join me.
We’re going to play Heavy Barrel and then watch Commando on my new top-of-the-line Pioneer
VHS deck.
Maybe smoke some cigarettes.
Point is, we’re gonna have one hell of a night, and that’s due in large part to Heavy
Barrel for the Nintendo Entertainment System.
And Schwarzenegger.
The patron saint of blowing sh*t up.
Hey, speaking of Commando…this game’s basically a Commando clone.
The game, not the movie.
Which is fine.
Hey, originality is nice and all, but I’m more into fun.
And this is almost too much fun.
And yes, I’m playing with the Game Genie—big deal.
Seriously, big f’ing deal.
Who cares?
If you noticed that and not the fun that’s happening here, I got news for you.
You wouldn’t last a day in 1980s male fantasy land.
The 1980s were all about unfair advantages.
Besides, the Game Genie’s just levelling the playing field a bit, ‘cause video games
are hard, and I’m mostly terrible at them.
Doesn’t stop me from enjoying the hell out of Heavy Barrel.
And I’ll tell you another thing, play this with a friend, do a little co-op?
That’s a bonding experience money can’t buy.
Only this was the eighties, money bought everything.
Also…watching First Blood II cost money.
And that movie turned friends into comrades.
So how’s it play?
Uh, awesome?
Next question?
You walk around, it’s kind of slow, but I like to imagine that’s because I’m carrying
so many freaking weapons, a seventies man couldn’t even move.
Fortunately, I’m an eighties man, and I’m not a pussy.
In fact, one weapon I know I’m carrying around…is the Heavy Barrel itself.
That’s the game’s main gimmick.
See, as you kill people, they drop keys, just like real life.
And you can use those keys to open these lockboxes that are scattered all over the place.
Sometimes, they have power-ups, like the flamethrower, or spread shot…sometimes, they have explosive
devices…but sometimes, they have parts, of the Heavy Barrel.
And once you collect all the parts…
You give ‘em a war they won’t believe.
Unfortunately, the Heavy Barrel only lasts like 90 seconds, or else every other video
game would cease to be.
But it’s the best 90 seconds of your life, I’ll tell you that.
Heavy Barrel’s so awesome, I don’t even want to discuss it.
There’s no time for discussion, it would devalue its awesomeness.
But it plays great, it’s tough as, 1987…it’s not very long, but that’s actually understandable.
If it was, every other video game would cease to be.
It looks okay for an NES game of its era, but the flamethrower looks badass and also,
you refuse to even use the door, you just blow holes in the places you want to go.
That’s so Schwarzenegger of you.
Let’s kill those blue pussies, in the hovering jetpacks.
So obviously, I had a great time with this game.
Is it original?
No, it’s stealing more ideas than the dumb kid who sits behind you in class.
It’s short, the bosses are kinda disappointing…but is it fun?
Holy crap, is it ever.
It plays well, it has some fun gimmicks…you don’t use doors…I mean, what else do you
need to know?
It’s Heavy Barrel, for the Nintendo Entertainment System.