(drumroll)
- I was 13 years old.
Just letting you know now, that is the least
crazy part of this story.
- [Director] We're rollin, okay, clap.
(claps)
(theatrical music)
- 13 for me was not your typical 13.
and my grandma was a flight attendant
and I have aunts and uncles that are close in age with me.
My uncle was throwing this house party.
All these people are 16, 17 years old
and it was raging, it was popping,
everyone was enjoying themselves.
Because I was the young guy,
they're gonna make me do everything they don't wanna.
So they're like,
We're walking down the street.
She's older, she's cool.
When you're younger, you tend to think
anyone that's older than you
is automatically way cooler than you.
The idea started to occur to me, like
"Wow, this girl is so beautiful."
I just wanted a kiss.
If I got a kiss, I would be the belle of the ball!
And the coolest guy in my middle school, I would say.
We get to the car,
there's nobody there, it's like the middle of the night,
it's the only car in the lot.
I stop her and I was like, "I'm gonna do this."
I remembering saying something about like, you know,
I maybe kissed one person before, but,
As we're kissing,
There was tongue, and there was all these other things,
and I'm like, "What is going on?"
It was the most beautiful moment
I've ever shared in a Taco Bell.
And I was just thinking, "Woah, this is what it feels like.
"This is what all those LimeWire download videos were."
And I was like,
So we're finished,
so she just drives me back like a chauffeur
because I'm still putting my pants on in the backseat.
Right when we get to the party, she just like
darts off away from me.
Me,
I'm not even thinking about the boyfriend.
I'm going to every room saying like,
Yeah, you know,
Just like,
The boyfriend bops behind me and he's like,
These guys are older than me,
taller than me, stronger than me.
So, he looks at me, he's like,
And I'm like,
And he's like, okay,
"That's what's up!"
And he came up to me, like gave me a high-five,
my uncle's laughing, he's laughing,
I'm sorta giggling,
because I still think I might get my ass whupped,
but he
in a very gross way was very supportive of my first time.
Who would even put a 13-year-old in that situation
is beyond me.
She ended up hearing about how
I guess her boyfriend was okay with it
and that's what pissed her off so she ended up
leaving the party and honestly
I don't think I've ever seen her again.
I got caught in a very dysfunctional relationship,
in a sexual love triangle.
And being the forceful Catholic woman she was,
my sex life had a halt.
Funny how like a 13-year-old,
I officially started my dry spell.
And then,
You know, it was sweet and nice
but I was like man,
(laughs)
In order to match the excitement I had,
for having sex with someone
that I would never have a shot with,
is like me now having sex with Rihanna.
There's this term I didn't hear later on in my life
that made so much sense is that
I mean,
the thing is, yeah, if it happened to a kid of my own,
I would not be happy with it at all,
say at least do it in a Chipotle parking lot,
I mean be better than me at least.