-You are one of my oldest, dearest friends.
And one of my heroes, both of our heroes is Jerry Seinfeld.
And you did "Comedians in Cars" this year,
which I was so excited about. How was that experience for you?
-It was great.
Now, me and Jerry are friends,
but it's a new friendship. -Yeah.
-And he's 65 and a billionaire.
-Yeah. -So it's hard to navigate
where he's like, "Text me." I'm like, "Okay."
So I'll text him, and it's sort of --
I'm cautious. Texted him.
I was coming in yesterday, so I texted him on Monday.
Said, "Hey, going to be in the city tomorrow.
Me and our mutual friend John,
going to get some coffee if you want join us."
He doesn't text me back for, like, a day,
which is terrifying and hurtful
because if a normal person doesn't text you back, fine.
Jerry not texting you back --
you can picture in your head from the sitcom of him
looking at his phone and going like,
"Neal Brennan, he's not important to me."
[ Laughter ]
So he eventually texted me back last night,
said, "Sorry I couldn't make it."
And then he sent me a YouTube clip
which was just clips of him.
[ Laughter ]
Which was him being like, "I couldn't make it,
but this is the sort of things I would have said...
[ Laughter ]
...had I shown up." [ Applause ]
Oh, good. All right, good. Good.
I'm going to start doing that where I'm going to go,
"Hey, I can't make it to your wedding,
but here's a clip of me on George Lopez's talk show
from 2012."
-I thought it was very nice.
I enjoyed the episode a great deal.
You have a dog, and he brought dog treats for the dog?
-He brought dog treats.
I'm sure he went to the store and got them.
He brought dog treats.
He bought Ben & Jerry's beef jerky, right?
Which you know dogs love.
So he brings -- My dog --
-Dogs love brands. -Yeah, they love branding.
Now, my dog loved the beef jerky
that Jerry gave him, but it gave him
what is known in the business as diarrhea.
-Okay. [ Laughter ]
-So I can't give him those treats anymore.
I give him other treats.
So now when I give him treats,
he looks at me the way comedy audiences
have been looking at me for a decade,
which is, "You're no Jerry Seinfeld."
[ Laughter ]
Which is painful. Yeah. Yes! Yes!
-I have enjoyed over the years --
I like talking to you about your family.
You come from a very large family.
-How's your mother? -How's my mother?
My mother is very good. -Great.
-Yeah, she was very happy.
I had to call her yesterday with a question about --
my mother was a French teacher, a middle school French teacher.
-Of course. -I had a French question.
And she was thrilled. -What was the question?
-We just wanted -- Amber Ruffin does that piece,
"Amber Says what?" And we wanted the French "what."
And we wanted to make sure it was "quoi" and not "quelle."
-Great. -Simple question.
-Yeah.
And it makes your mom feel useful.
-Oh, yeah, she'll wonder why she didn't get paid.
[ Laughter ]
-How old's your mom?
-She was born in '48.
So uh, a hundred. -70. Yeah.
My mom's going to be 85.
I'm, like, the youngest of ten. Long story.
So she's at the age now -- every time I talk to her,
she tells me -- it's always Irish women --
who died and who fell in town, of her friends.
-Those are the only two options? -Mrs. McGwiggen died,
and Mrs. O'Reilly fell.
[ Laughter ]
That's generally how it goes,
and it is interesting to say, "Oh, good, she didn't die."
Like, "Oh, she just fell?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, good. Oh, that's good.
That's great. I'm glad she fell."
-Yeah.
-Now, old people falling -- I never --
I don't see old people falling. I always see the aftermath.
-Yeah. -I don't think anyone
ever sees old people fall.
You just see them being tended to afterward.
And it usually -- they just look shocked like this.
Like [panting]
[ Laughter ]
Like, just total bewilderment.
And like -- and you kind of get the look,
like, you get, they're like, "Should I even get up?
[ Laughter ]
Is it even worth it anymore?"
-I think you might not see them fall
'cause I think they fall so slowly.
-Yeah. Maybe I'm passing old people falling constantly.
And I don't even -- I'm not even aware of it.
Remotely. -There's a photo.
A photo of us from years ago at a party.
-This is proof you're having -- you had your second kid.
-Yeah. -I'm still single.
-Yeah. We are the same age.
-Yes. We have different --
We've had different luck in romance.
-Uh-huh.
-It may be my fault.
[ Laughter ]
You present better than I do.
-I don't think that's true.
-You're more charismatic than me.
-You're very charismatic. -Tell me about it.
But I'm saying...
[ Laughter ]
I'm saying, you're a little more charismatic than me.
And this is a photo from a nightclub in 2004.
-Mm-hmm. -This is why Seth
is happily married with two children
and I am still on Instagram.
-Okay. [ Laughter ]
We'll let the audience judge. -Yes.
-Who is -- because maybe it's in the eye of the beholder.
Maybe people look at this and be like,
"I think Neal is the charismatic one in this photo."
Okay, here we go. -Start close on Seth.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Let's get a little tighter. Can we get a little tighter?
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. That's a real, like -- me being, like,
I'm talking to a girl and being, like,
"Oh, does your friend want to meet my friend?
He's...not here."
[ Laughter ]
-We were bad being single because we would --
The only thing -- we would just go up to women
and might as well go, like, "Hey, you like skits?"
Because you were like a low --
You were just starting to get good at "Saturday Night Live."
-Yeah. -And I was starting to get --
-So all we would do is we would go to bars
and we'd talk about comedy writing.
And then we would assume that any women
who were nearby us also wanted to know.
-You're like, "What's that? Act breaks?"
[ Laughter ]
-"Were you gentlemen talking about the rule of threes?"
-Yeah. Yeah.