- I WAS LOOKING FOR A GIFT FOR MY NIECES,
SOMETHING COOL AND UNIQUE AND LESS THAN 20 BUCKS.
AND SO I WAS ON EBAY,
AND I DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING FOR THEM,
BUT I FOUND SOME OTHER REALLY, REALLY STRANGE TOYS.
AND SO THESE ARE JUST A FEW OF THEM.
THEY ARE 100% REAL.
AND I WANT TO APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE.
YOU'LL SEE WHY IN A MINUTE.
THEY'RE STRANGE,
AND THEY'RE ALL RELATED TO SUPERHEROES.
THESE ARE THE TOYS THAT-- AND THEY'RE REAL.
THIS IS WHAT I FOUND.
HERE IS WONDER WOMAN SCISSORS RIGHT HERE.
[laughter]
AND--
[laughter and applause]
NOW, CLEARLY THEY'RE NOT ADULT SCISSORS.
THEY'RE MEANT FOR CHILDREN, BUT...
THERE YOU GO.
[laughter and applause]
I PAID $15, BUT WHO CAN REALLY PUT A PRICE
ON A PAIR OF INAPPROPRIATE CHILDREN'S SCISSORS?
HERE'S HOW YOU KNOW THAT THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG
WITH YOUR SCISSORS:
WHEN YOU CAN USE THEM TO ACT OUT
THE ENTIRE SECOND HALF OF "50 SHADES OF GREY."
[laughter and applause]
[cheers and applause]
ONE THING I LEARNED IS,
THERE'S A LOT OF KNOCK-OFF TOYS OUT THERE,
AND THEY LOOK LIKE THE ORIGINAL,
BUT THEN THERE'S SOMETHING A LITTLE OFF.
THIS TOY IS SOMETHING I BOUGHT IN A STORE FROM GREECE.
AND SO IT LOOKS LIKE SUPERMAN RIGHT HERE, RIGHT?
BUT IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, IT'S SPECIALMAN.
[laughter]
SPECIALMAN.
NOW, HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY POWERS.
HE CAN'T EVEN GET OUT OF THIS PACKAGING.
[laughter]
SO THIS NEXT TOY COMBINES BATMAN AND A SQUIRT GUN,
SO HOW BAD CAN THAT BE?
IT'S BATMAN AND A SQUIRT GUN.
[laughter]
[laughter and applause]
HOLY PISTOL PLACEMENT, BATMAN.
AND I CAN'T REALLY DECIDE WHICH IS WORSE,
IS HOW YOU SQUIRT IT OR HOW YOU REFILL IT.
[laughter and applause]
WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE?
NOW, THIS NEXT ONE IS A LITTLE BIT OF A MYSTERY,
AND I WANT YOU TO SEE IF YOU CAN FIGURE OUT
WHAT IT IS.
IS IT A BOOMERANG? IS IT, LIKE, A FUN BOOMERANG?
IS IT A SPIDEY SNACK HOLDER?
NOPE, IT'S A KNIFE.
[audience exclaims]
"SORRY, SUSIE, THEY WERE OUT OF 'FROZEN' TOYS,
BUT HERE'S YOUR KNIFE."
ALL RIGHT, SO THAT SEEMS PRETTY BAD, RIGHT?
HERE'S SOMETHING EVEN BADDER.
THIS IS THE HOLDER FOR THE SPIDERMAN FURY BLADE.
[laughter and applause]
[cheers and applause]
ARE WE STILL ON THE AIR?
[laughter]
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE.
AND NOW LET'S TRY TO UNSEE THAT.
LET'S ALL DANCE.