-Welcome, everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it. [ Cheers and applause ]
You're watching. Thank you.
Well, guys, the big story continues to be
the FBI's search of former president Trump's home
at Mar-a-Lago.
Seriously, you know you did something bad when
you're the former president but you're still making
more headlines than the current president, don't you think?
You've got to hand it to Trump, though.
He has endless scandals for six years
and he always manages to keep them feeling fresh and new,
don't you think?
Yeah, the action never stops.
It's like if Discovery ran Shark Week
24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
That's what this is.
Well, over the weekend, we found out that the FBI seized
11 sets of classified documents from Trump's home,
including four sets that were marked "top secret."
[ AUDIENCE "Oohs" ]
You know Trump just kept those hoping to come across
KFC's secret blend of herbs and spices.
He's like, "I've got something on the Colonel."
Also, just a thought, but if the government
doesn't want people reading those files,
maybe they shouldn't label them "top secret."
It's like a guy labeling a porn folder on his computer
"Best Porn."
It's like, just call it "banana-bread recipe."
No one will open that.
This doesn't look good for Trump.
But don't worry.
He had a perfectly reasonable explanation.
He said that when he took the classified documents
from The White House, he declassified them.
Yeah. He declassified them, meaning he took out a Sharpie
and wrote "D-E" in front of "classified."
"They are officially declassified.
Get the Colonel on the phone."
I read that, after the FBI search last week,
Trump sent a message to Attorney General Merrick Garland
that said, "The country is on fire.
What can I do to reduce the heat?"
Garland was like, "I don't know,
but why are you talking like a 1950s private eye?
It's like, "I need to find those nuclear codes, see?
What's going on, see?"
Meanwhile, today, Trump complained
that during their search of Mar-a-Lago,
the FBI seized his three passports.
He's like, "What's next?
They take my fake beard
and emergency bag of getaway money?"
Switching gears. Did you guys see this?
Senator Chuck Grassley, who is 88 years old, by the way,
is running for re-election in Iowa.
And he just put out a campaign video
to show that he's still got it.
Take a look at this.
-I get up at 4:00.
I run a couple miles. That's my habit.
I started running when I was 65 years old.
-Wow.
I think people are like, "Hey, honey, honey,
you know that 88-year-old who runs around the
neighborhood at 4:00 a.m., in the miner's cap?
Apparently, that's our Senator."
He also wears that head lamp to read menus in restaurants.
I've seen it.
Well, this is good.
A Canadian politician named Doug Ford
was giving a speech when he was interrupted by a bee.
Check this out.
-Not coming from the -- not coming from the government,
per se, the premier.
It's coming from the health sector.
[ Coughs ]
Holy Christ. I just swallowed a bee.
Holy Christ. I need a little...
-And right now, that is the biggest
political scandal in Canada.
Right now. That.
That is the biggest... [ Cheers and applause ]
Guys, it is the beginning of the week,
and I thought it would be nice to kick things off
with a few words of encouragement.
It's time for some "Monday Motivations."
-♪ Monday motivations ♪
♪♪
-Hey.
You look normal when you run.
That houseplant died of old age.
There was nothing you could do.
When you order a pizza, the guy on the phone is like,
"Dang, I never thought of that topping combo,
but it sounds amazing."
Your dad says he's proud of you all the time.
You're just never in the room when he's saying it.
Of course you're pulling off the hat.
You're a total hat guy.
When you go into a store,
the mannequins want to buy what you're wearing.
That can you just recycled?
That's the one that saves the Earth.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Just a little Monday motivation.
Am I? -Hey, you're a hat guy.
-Oh, you're totally pulling -- A fedora? Yes.
Some business news.
I saw that Uber Eats teamed up with Office Depot
to offer on-demand delivery of office and school supplies.
Yeah. They even have a cool name for it --
Amazon.
You know that excited feeling you get
when your Uber Eats order shows up?
Yeah, this won't be like that.
It's like, "Honey, our ink cartridges are here."
Well, get this.
Apparently, this year's brands and companies
are rolling out their pumpkin-spice offerings
earlier than ever before.
[ Crowd cheers ] I feel like it's too soon.
I mean, even though I do -- I do love pumpkin spice.
-Oh, really? You like pumpkin spice?
What else?
-What else?
I like pumpkin spice. I like orange Slice.
-That's cool. What else?
-I like yellow rice and Disney on Ice.
I like wearing half-priced Old Spice in tights,
while singing "Edelweiss" with D-Nice.
I like watching Vice, "Bachelor in Paradise,"
and picking lice off mice
with Willie Geist and Condoleezza Rice.
Oh, did I say "rice" twice? Nice.
I like my coffee ice, Creed "Sacrifice,"
getting concise advice from
"The Price is Right" and "In the Heights."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Quest, how do you feel about pumpkin spice?
-[ Laughs ]
No dice. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Moving on. Hey, guys, listen to this.
I heard that, due to weak tomato production,
there could be a shortage of
spaghetti sauce, ketchup, and salsa.
It's getting pretty bad.
Levels of concern have gone from mild to medium.
I knew there was a tomato shortage
when, after they raided Mar-a-Lago,
Trump threw mustard at the wall instead of ketchup.
Well, this is big.
The CDC has ended most of its recommendations
for social distancing,
quarantining, and contact tracing.
Yeah, they got rid of -- Now they're replacing them
with some new COVID guidelines.
First of all, all hand sanitizer is now illegal.
Next...
Next up...
Next...
Then there's...
[ Crowd chanting "Lick it!" ]
Then...
And finally...
That's on the CDC...
"Lick it." Oh, my gosh. Thank you.
Well, this is going viral.
An athlete in Estonia decided to propose to his girlfriend
at the finish line of an Ironman.
-Oh.
-But his muscles had a different plan.
Take a look at this.
-We want to tell his story,
and we think he wants to say something.
-Come on, buddy. Come on.
-Will you marry me? [ Cheers and applause ]
[ Sad tuba plays ] -Oh!
-You know your proposal went wrong
when it looks like you're being tased, you know?
That's how she always dreamt about it --
getting proposed to by her boyfriend
while two guys rubbed his hamstrings.
And, finally, Snoop Dogg just launched
his very first breakfast cereal, called Snoop Loopz.
They look pretty good. They even got marshmallows.
But he's not the only rapper
launching his own breakfast cereal, no.
-Really? -Yeah, there's also...
Next, there's...
And, finally, of course...
There you go. We have a great show.