So I just saw Kevin Smith's new movie "Tusk" and wow what a surprise, it was a giant piece of shit.
There were quite a few of you asking me to see it and so I did, so now I beg the question: "Why?!"
"What did I do to deserve this?" Was it a horror movie cuz it wasn't scary!
Was it a comedy cuz it wasn't funny! It's not even so bad that you can laugh at it, it's just plain obnoxious and unbearable.
"But Kevin Smith has such a good track record as of late, how did this happen?" You know, with this new Kevin Smith I think it's just
his way of shouting: "Hey look guys, I'm not a one-trick pony, see?",
but in doing so he proves the exact opposite. Justin Long's character is so obnoxious and poorly written that even if he were a great
actor he wouldn't be able to pull it off. The guy from Red State is in it, playing pretty much almost the exact same character that he played in Red State.
Harley from Epic Meal Time makes a cameo appearance near the beginning,
so if you want to see that, then you could probably just leave after the first ten minutes and get your money back,
because this film is not worth the price of admission no matter how much it costs.
Near the beginning of the film, they make a painfully unfunny and obnoxious
parody of the Star Wars kid. They're watching an online video of a guy swinging around a samurai sword,
and then he accidentally cuts his own leg off with an effect that would make one
hundred percent of people that watch that online video say: "Fake!"
and "Gay!" But since this movie is a giant piece of shit, its universe has absolutely zero self-awareness.
So whereas what we see should be reasonably interpreted as: "Oh, some kid posted a video on the Internet and then CG'd his own leg being cut off",
what the movie is saying is: "Now, his leg actually got cut off and you... you're supposed to believe it."
The whole plot of the movie is so fucking stretched out. "Well, of course the main plot takes up ninety percent of the trailer, that's to get people to buy tickets hehehe."
"As for the actual movie, let's just keep cutting away from it and dicking around
because the actual plot line that we've written down doesn't really go that far."
So many of these stupid choices seem like they were made for the intention of comedy but none of it was funny at all!
"Did you know that a commonly held Canadian stereotype is that they pronounce 'About' 'Aboot' hahaha."
"Hey look! Johnny Depp's character has a French accent hahahaha."
Well not only was the French accent kinda shit to begin with, but why would someone
with a French accent speaking English words then have an English accent speaking French words? He seriously said: "Firm your fucking bouche."
I mean I'm not fluent in French so I can't pronounce it properly either but I'm pretty sure it's closer to "ferme" than "firm".
They had an agonizing scene with Johnny Depp's character and the main villain
that didn't really need to be in the movie, but they wanted to fill up time.
They're playing some shitty accordion music in the background to imply that there's supposed to be comedy in the scene, but it was just so painful!
"Hahaha both of them talk funny and they are talking to each other. This comedy, me funny now."
there's a point in the movie where there's somebody behind the camera and they don't reveal who it is yet,
and so naturally I think of what the most predictable outcome would be,
and yep, exactly who I thought it would be, almost makes it pointless for there
to have been a reveal at all. I guess this is spoiler talk now, so click to this part of the
video if you don't want to hear spoilers. I'm giving you three seconds, it's not really seconds but I'm just gonna countdown three, two, one.
Now I get that parts of this movie are supposed to be absurdist in a way.
Like obviously I'm not expecting the surgery from man to walrus to be a hundred percent medically accurate,
but do you not think the movie would have been ANY better if the walrus suit was a bit more convincing?
There was no point that I believed that it was human skin, all I saw was a fucking rubber suit the whole time.
Is it supposed to be funny? Does it add anything to the movie for me to be
wondering how he can swallow food without a tongue or the ability to tilt his head back?
You know, you'd think that if it were part of a joke the movie would at least
give some sort of impression that it's even aware of it. There's a part in the movie where our main character finds a phone,
an instead of contacting the police, he phones two other people and leaves messages for them to contact the police.
It was not delivered as though it were some kind of joke,
it was delivered as though this movie is a giant steaming pile of shit,
and what a giant steaming pile of shit this movie is.
And holy fuck, the music that they played during the end fight scene made my ears bleed.
This is without a doubt the worst movie I've seen all year.
I don't go out of my way to watch the worst movies in a year, so I'm sure there
are worse ones, but I've seen a decent amount in movies this year
and yeah, this is definitely the worst. If one of your friends says: "Hey you wanna check out that new Kevin Smith movie 'Tusk'?"
your response should immediately be "Why?!", followed by
a firm slap to the groin. This movie is a piece of shit, you wanna know what Kevin Smith's next movie is gonna be?
A piece of shit! Let's stop seeing pieces of shit, lets stop seeing Kevin Smith movies,
let's stop suggesting that I go to theaters and see pieces of shit.
Three out of ten.
[Subtitles by Abel Boeschoten]