(audience applauding)
- Greetings all.
You know what the toughest part about being
a gay, black police officer is?
The discrimination.
(audience laughing)
- What?
- Drum roll please.
(slow tapping)
That's your drum roll?
- When a tempo isn't specified,
any reasonable person would default to lento.
- Well, it's terrible and you ruined a fun thing.
- He wrote, "The number eight, equal sign, equal sign,
equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign,
equal sign, capital 'd'.
Oh, I see what this is.
This is a-- - Yep.
- Wow, that's...
fantastic news.
- She's worried about her motorcycle sitting idle,
so she wants us to take it out once a day, here.
- I think you should do this, you're more the biker type.
I've seen you use a toothpick in public.
- Motorcycles are death machines,
I have three kids, I'm not risking it.
- Are you saying my life matters less
because I don't conform
to societies heteronormative child-centric ideals?
- Are you really playing the gay card right now?
- Yas queen.
(keys jangling) (fingers snapping)
Pay no attention to him, Rosa.
He's very emotional, Rosa.
- Why are you saying my first name?
- Well, Rosa, I read an article in a medical journal
that said one destabilizing aspect of incarceration
is the constant dehumanization, Rosa.
You need to be reminded
that you are more than just a number, Rosa.
You are Rosa...
Rosa.
- Yep, that fixes prison.
- I've been on the phone six hours
and I just want to cancel an account.
Yes, you've mentioned the bundles
and I don't want home phone service!
No, do not transfer me Rodrigo.
No, no!
No Rodrigo!
- Hey there Captain.
Oh, is this your new assistant?
- John Herbland, nice to meet ya.
- And John Herbland has just been fired.
- What? - I have?
- "Meet ya", you just abbreviated a one syllable word.
- [Jake] Is this for real?
- Yes, now clean out your des.
I removed the 'K' so you'd understand how absurd ya sound.
- [Jake] Oh boy.
- Look him in the eye and tell him what you did.
- I didn't do it, Kevin.
- Don't you say his name.
No, Terry, I'm not mad at you,
I know you didn't mean to do it.
You just got hungry
and that's the most natural thing in the world.
- I didn't take your pie.
- You're lying!
- I don't always understand Peralta's texts.
He says their still waiting on the lab and "it's allz good."
Alls with a "z".
Then a box with a question mark inside,
another box with a question mark,
another box with a question mark
and yet, another box with a question mark,
then, a box with a question mark.
What does that mean?
- It means you don't have emoji's on your phone.
- Good news is our evaluation will be done
by Deputy Chief Brant.
We have a good rapport, he was once my Captain.
- So, he's kinda like our Grand-captain.
- That is amazingly funny.
Oh, I've caused a problem.
I think I am...
getting a text message.
Bloop.
There it is.
(sobbing)
- Captain, get in here.
- There, there.
There, there.
There.
- I'm coming in.
(sobbing loudly) - Oh Boyle.
- Thank you for this honor, Deputy Chief.
- Oh, okay.
You're welcome.
- Lunch time is over.
Boom! Did it!
(laughs) Had it both ways.
No regrets.
Go Razzmatazz.
- [TV Announcer] It's Bugle Boy, winning by a head.
- I lost everything.
(gentle recorder music) Now, the recorder
is generally thought of as a training instrument
for children but, listen to her.
In the hands of an expert like Larum Layethgroom,
the passion is...
breathtaking.
- Wait, before you say anything
I wanna guess what happened based on your face.
Someone died?
No, you won a prize!
I'm not getting better at this.
- The next chart shows the drop
in the crime rate over the last month.
(beeping)
I just erased everything.
Thank you. - You're welcome.
Team pop and lock, here we go. (mimicking robotic noise)
Come on, still?
We saved your life.
- Oh my god.
Oh my god...
it's happening.
Yes, we did it! (cheering)
- Kitchen buds.
- You all right, Captain?
Tough weekend?
- I went to Barbados with my husband.
We wove hats out of palm fronds
and swam with the sting rays.
I've never been happier.
- Guy's impossible to read, don't even try.
- That is, without question,
the funniest story I've ever heard.
- Mm, yeah.
- Great, I hope there's a lot of drug activity there.
Of course, ideally, there will be nobody taking drugs there
or anywhere else in this district,
but, if drugs must be found, let it be there.
Please God, let it be there.
Resume the drill Timmy, and do not do or say anything
that a seven year old boy would not do or say.
Feel free to consult the script I've prepared.
- Okay, but, it's a little stilted.
"I am feeling trepidation at the prospect
"of a parentless existence."
No kid talks like that.
- Those lines were lifted, verbatim, from my boyhood diary.
Resume the drill!
(singing) Duh, duh, duh.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing, just enjoying a taste
of my favorite beverage, the soda pop.
- Really?
I've never seen you enjoy a soda pop before.
Have some now.
(fake satisfied sighing)
- It's delicious.
Sergeant, I would like you to meet Richard and Dan.
They are puppies.
- Very cute, sir.
- Maybe your twins would like some little furry friends?
- I'm sorry, sir.
But, that's impossible.
With the twins learning how to walk,
chaos reigns at the Jefford's household.
I can't let those innocent pups into that madhouse!
Terry won't do ya like that!
- I understand.
Just know, you have disappointed...
all three of us.
- That's cold, sir.
- Go.
(clearing throat)
- Marcus, I think we should break up.
- That makes me feel sad.
I am sad.
- Your sadness is noted. - I feel acknowledged.
Thank you for breaking up with me.
It will take me eight minutes to collect my things.
I think that went very well.
- Hmm.
- Great idea, take a breather.
That was way too personal.
No one needs to know you have sisters.
New topic, the moons of Jupiter.
- I think I might be pregnant.
- Oh.
Oh!
Oh...
no.
I am good at emotion.
(smooching)
What the...
- Fine, I'll say I'm sorry.
- No, be sincere, like this.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Good, that's the one.
- I've been craving Sudanese all day.
I'll print out some menus.
(thudding) - Ouch.
You ran over my foot.
I am in incredible pain.
- All right! (group cheering)
- Does anyone have a few words they would like to say?
- No one say anything,
I want him to say stuff.
Speech for Jake.
Speech for Jake, go! - Very well.
Your six month absence was noted.
Drinks are on me, there's a two drink maximum per person.
- Here he goes. - It is nontransferable.
You're guests will pay their own tab.
- Oh, yeah. - Valet parking
is not included. - Solid protocol.
- Tomorrows briefing will be 15 minutes earlier than usual.
- He's so bad ass. - And I'm very proud
of you Peralta.
We missed you.
- Aw, you ruined it.
- No, no, I said millimeter.
(loud laughing)
- Okay, I'm gonna choke from laughter.
You're too funny!
- New plan.
I'm gonna charm her.
- Oh, no.
- I'm sorry, I had to take that.
- You gotta do what you gotta do.
Captain Raymond Holt.
What's up?
(sultry music)
- Well, how do you even know he's in a bad mood?
I mean, its impossible to read that guy.
- This is the most incompetent worthless report
I have ever read in my life!
Get your act together or so help me God,
you won't live to see retirement!
(door slams) Good, he's gone.
Now, lets get serious and focus up.
(thumping and springing)
Just trying to get to the printer.
- (singing) Cream in my coffee and rock and roll.
- Peralta. - Ah, Captain Holt!
You look very...
sad.
I can never tell.
- It must be very difficult.
- Wait, are you crying?
- Yes.
Thank you for acknowledging my feelings.
- Thank you for acknowledging mine.
- We're both great at this.
(crying and sniffling)
- You look chipper, Captain.
You have a fun weekend?
- There was a small fire in my home.
I lost many photo albums of treasured memories.
I'm devastated.
- Any smile that lasts longer than a second and a half
is a conman's ruse.
- Fake. - That's fake.
- That's a fake one.
- I said it.
And I meant it!
(cheering)
- Great work team!
(upbeat music)