I know what you guys are thinking, obviously...
"Look at this big man on campus."
What a fucking narcissist and egotist.
Come up here and just take all your applause and eat it up...
like it feeds my soul.
But, guys, I'm just like you.
Every night, I go home...
and I think about the fact that we're all gonna die.
And then I'll have a real, sad snack.
And I'll just read tweets that I wrote that nobody liked.
Got a sad snack here with me tonight.
This is the saddest snack in the world.
And it's warm from being in my pocket for 25 minutes.
These are tweets that nobody favorited.
Nobody responded to them and no one, no one retweeted them.
My new children's book, IBM, You BM, We All BM...
about a pooping computer...
was deemed too dumb to exist by the New York Times.
Don't clap for that!
Tangerines!
For when an orange is just too much.
Benjamin Franklin invented BBQ.
But back then, it stood for...
Ben's Been Quookin'.
Was the inventor of lip balm just like...
I love ChapStick, but how can I get my dirty fingers involved?
I've had a dream since I was 12-years-old.
When I first saw the movie Police Academy...
and I saw that man who does the sounds effects and I said...
"That is what I want to do with my life."
But I let that dream die.
But I've been training with a vocal coach for the past six months...
and I'm now very excited to premiere a piece...
I like to call Well That Sounds Like My Day.
First I wake up, and I brush my teeth.
Now it's time to go to work!
Meow-meow-meow-meow-meow.
Meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow-meow.
What's wrong? Better check the oil!
The oil's fine!
Meow-meow-meow-meow.
There we go.
Ah, now I'm at work. Time to turn my computer on.
Ooh, looks like I've got mail. You've got mail.
Telephone's ringing.
Hello?
Bah-rah-bah-rah-rah.
Mom!
I gotta go. I gotta go eat lunch, Mom.
Needles, needles, needles, needles.
Time to print something. I hate this stupid printer!
Crunch and munch! Crunch and munch! Crunch and munch!
The printer always screws up!
Oh, no, here comes my boss. I hate talking to my boss.
He's always like--
Oh, shut up, boss!
Now it's time to go home.
Meow-meow-meow-meow-meow.
Time to roll down the window.
Malibu! Malibu!
Ah! Now I'm home and time to rest my head.
( SHRIEKING )
And that's my day, ladies and gentlemen.