What's this?
What is happening?
The last time I sat here like this, I wrote my eulogy.
Am I writing someone's eulogy today?
Suddenly I feel like I'm being interrogated.
Or I'm supposed to tell you all my sins.
So scary!
Okay, what's this about?
I think I'm more expressive towards people I'm close to?
I don't like to cry in front of people,
Cause I don't want to appear very weak.
So I always try to...
Act strong and happy.
So when someone is feeling very sad,
I would immediately sense the aura.
Then I would try to,
Make the situation better.
Or try to talk to the person about it.
I'm open to sharing a lot of stuff.
And I wear my emotions on my face, my heart and my sleeves.
But I think it's slightly different for me with my family.
I come from a very traditional family.
So it has sort of 'tuned me' to be slightly different at home.
Actually, I think in the past I was.
Very expressive when it comes to showing my care and concern.
As I grew older, I realised that there are a lot of things that,
People just don't appreciate.
At this point in my life,
I'm a little bit afraid to express any form of words at all, to anybody.
So now I don't.
Given my current circumstances, cause I have a baby.
She's only one and a half (years old).
I would say 90% of my time I spend with my family now.
Then 10% with friends.
I would say the closer friends from various times in my life,
We hardly hang out because everybody has work and their own commitments.
I think as of late, I have been spending a lot more time with my family.
My two best friends, we are very low maintenance.
So there is no need to meet every single time or spend time (together) so much.
But when we do meet, it's quality over quantity.
For me, I think I don't say "I love you" enough to,
Not just my family, but my friends as well.
Most of our love and care for one another,
Can be seen through our actions.
I feel like, I take my family for granted.
Like my mom, she's always there for me.
Whenever I need help, she's the first person to just help out,
Or offer solutions.
But I don't know why, for some reason I'd always find her very naggy and annoying.
So I'll just brush her off.
I would like to say sorry to my mum,
For not being more appreciative.
If I had the chance to say some stuff to my friends,
I would definitely say I'm sorry for not meeting up with you often enough.
Like where have all the good times gone right?
Where have all the good times gone...
Woah...
Oh my god, you all damn bad!
Once again I'm dying!
Okay, the first (person) that came to my mind is my mum.
But I kind of changed (my mind).
If I had 30 minutes to live,
The letter, I would be writing it to my brother.
PD: Who are you going to write to?
My baby!
Mainly because there are a lot of "sorry" that I have yet to express.
We have a lot of differences,
And it sort of shaped me into the person I am today.
Both in good and terrible ways.
She's the most important person to me right now.
And I think I'm crying because,
I never really put myself,
Or thought that I'd ever be in a position where I have to write a goodbye letter to her.
So it's making me a bit sad.
He's very annoying.
Likes to take my stuff without permission.
He likes to copy me.
And when I accuse him of that, he will always deny it.
But he will just smile to himself.
I grew up being, the daddy's girl.
My dad has always been a pillar of support.
He's the kind of person who will show his care and concern like a usual Asian parent would.
Not through words but actions.
Go for a holiday together because we've never done that before.
All expenses paid by me.
Everything?
Cause Ellie is only one and a half years old.
So if I leave now, I'll miss out all of the important milestones in her life.
I really want to see her grow.
And develop into a beautiful strong girl.
A lot... A lot of things.
If I have to pinpoint one exact thing...
It would be during my secondary school days.
I was super rebellious.
But he understood why I was like that and he still accepted me for it.
This person actually taught me how to be a better person.
Because of whatever I went through with this person,
I learnt a lot about life and that's something that I'm very grateful for because,
These are things that you can never buy.
It's priceless. And it doesn't come by often.
If I really go and distill it down,
What she taught me is to be appreciative of what I have.
Sometimes when you find yourself in a situation that doesn't seem too ideal,
You need to take a step back and realise that actually a lot of things that escape your view,
Could have resulted in a worser situation.
So always be content and appreciative of where you are.
I love being a mum.
And she has taught me that, it doesn't matter what I want to do.
The enjoyment that I get from it is very temporal.
Whereas the love and fulfillment that I get from spending time with her,
It adds a lot of value to my life.
I'm very happy that I had a kid quite young.
She gave me purpose in life.
Dearest Dottie,
It's now the 4th of September 2019.
Mummy has to leave for a long time,
To a place far away.
And I can't bring you with me.
You might not understand it now,
But one day you will.
Just know that the last one and a half years,
Have been the best and most meaningful years of my existence.
All because of you.
I feel like I have so much to tell you.
But our relationship isn't exactly the most expressive and intimate one.
Thank you for always being so selfless and giving.
I want you to know that I remember every single thing you've done for me.
And there's so much I plan to do for you as well.
I'm sorry that I haven't done much for you.
However, this is not a letter of just warm emotions.
As I leave this mortal plane,
There are dark thoughts that I've harboured my whole life, that I have to let go before I go.
I blame you mum, for all my image and self-esteem issues.
You always make it so that I feel that I've done something wrong.
And that I'm never good enough.
You have found a way to always make me need to put on a mask.
Or to be this perfect version of myself that never existed.
I know as we grew up, we didn''t really start off as brothers.
Mainly because a lot of people were comparing you to me,
And that gave you tons of stress for sure, at such a young age.
I'm sorry that I wasn't able to see all that.
But instead focused purely on myself because I was selfish.
I hate that I have to go.
But I know that Papa will take care of you for me.
I loved you since the first time I heard your tiny heart beating.
And I will love you forever from where I am.
I came to you, vulnerable, at the lowest point in my life.
And without even thinking, you...
Listened.
And accepted me for all of what I am.
And I honestly didn't see it coming.
I hope that you grow up to be a strong, kind and beautiful girl,
That I know God made you to be.
You are infinitely special.
And Papa and I knew this from the minute we laid eyes on you.
You won't remember this, but we made a million memories already.
And for that I'm thankful.
I want you to know that people make mistakes, and that's alright.
So don't be too hard on yourself all the time.
All those things about your health,
I nag a lot of times already ah,
So, you know yourself can already.
At the same time, I want to thank you mum.
For helping me grow comfortable with my image.
As a person that grows through adversity,
I am grateful that you were the push I needed, the springboard to becoming a better me.
I want to thank you mum, for my empathy.
You've taught me that for every moment that I feel like I'm the worst or having it the worst,
There is always someone else who has it worse and needs my care.
Don't be angry with the world anymore.
Because...
Trust me, I've lived the pain you've felt, or even worse.
Don't care about what others think of you.
As long as your heart is in the right place, you're alright.
Pay them no attention because life is too short to care about other people's opinions.
Take care of yourself. Always keep your promises to our parents.
Don't mix with the wrong kind of crowd,
And work hard to achieve what you want in life.
Because I'll be here to support you no matter what.
I hope that this letter will be a guiding light through the darkest of times.
And even though I'm not with you physically,
I am with you in spirit always.
All that aside, I want you to know that,
You have a very huge part to play in shaping the person I am today.
If I had another chance, I would still choose you to be my father.
And I hope that you would also want me as your daughter.
As much as you are the dark pit in my life,
You are also the anchor of which I centre my universe.
I hate you for all the miseries that you have brought upon me.
But I need you to know that I love you more than the world, even though I don't say it enough.
Because I know that you love me unconditionally back, even if I do not.
Thank you, goodbye and I love you.
You can do anything you set your mind to.
I believe in you and I love you.
Love, Mama.
For the first and the last time,
I love you.
Love you, Ass.
That felt good to read.
A lot of times I find myself being grateful and upset, for things that I've done, with my mum.
Having done this exercise helps me connect the dots better.
Like how my personality is actually shaped by the stuff that has happened.
It's like a closure to how our relationship was in the past.
At the same time a new beginning to what is going to happen in the future.
Like cause when we come to work or go to school,
We think that our parents are just leading their own lives.
But we don't know that we mean so much to them.
Sometimes even a, "How's your day?" or, "Have you eaten?".
It's always them sending us those messages but we never ask them in return.
It really taught me that I need to talk to my loved ones more.
There are a lot of things that we take for granted.
Like even if we don't do our best today or give our 100% today,
We're just like, "Aiya, it's okay. We can just do tomorrow."
But if you die in half an hour you have no time to change any of that.
This is not the first time I'm doing this by the way.
Cause I actually wrote a death note before.
And I wanted to leave everything behind once upon a time.
But my brother came.
Me writing this is like deja vu? Almost?
But it's more positive.
And I learnt that live is so short, you know?
When life hits you hard and when you feel like there's no one,
Actually you're not alone. Actually you have your sibling.
Like when we meet it's just,
"Oh okay, so how's your work?"
"Got enough money or not?"
That's why now at 23 years old,
The simplest things like, "I love you",
"I wished I spend more time with you". Things like that, it's hard to say.
Having a letter like this which is full of bittersweet thoughts right,
It's very difficult to raise it up,
In a way that can help her understand where I'm coming from,
Without hurting emotions.
Sometimes you get a bit shy to say your secret cause paiseh (embarrassed).
You're scared that they will judge you.
But they will still know at the end of the day,
No matter what happens, you're still my brother, you're still my sister.
And I think this... It's a good way of maybe,
Me really understanding how I feel.
This has been interesting.
Obviously she's so young and I have so much time to spend with her.
Puts things into perspective.
If any of you feel your life is at the lowest, try this activity.
Imagine yourself that you're gonna die in 30 minutes and practice for yourself.
Because when you do all this then you realise how beautiful life can be.
Sometimes we just take things for granted.
And problems, most of the time, the solution is deep in our hearts.