♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪
>> HAPPY WEDNESDAY.
I’M SURE -- LIKEWISE.
MUST BE HARD TO CONCENTRATE ON
THE VALUABLE INSIGHTS EACH
NIGHT, DISTRACTED BY THE
HANDSOMENESS OF THE MESSENGER.
[LAUGHTER]
IT MUST BE LIKE TRYING TO READ A
BOOK AND A NUDE BEACH IN SWEDEN.
SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS ONLY SO
PEOPLE WOULD TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.
IF THEY DID -- WHAT OTHER PEOPLE
HAVE OVER ME.
[SNORING [LAUGHTER]
THE NEWS INDUSTRY IS LIKE
SAN FRANCISCO AFTER -- IN DEEP
DOO-DOO.
ACCORDING TO THIS NEWS SITE, NOT
THE GREATEST -- CRATER WHO STOLE
MY AMEX.
NEWS CONTENT IS PLUMMETING
LIKE -- SKYDIVING WITH A
MALFUNCTIONING RIP CORD.
THEY BLAMED IT ON THE PUBLIC --
PUBLIC SHANNON BREAM’S LITTLE
GOODY TWO-SHOES FOR HER TEAM, I
DON’T BELIEVE THAT FOR A SECOND.
GONE 19% --
MSNBC AND FOX NEWS.
TOLD THEM IT WOULD HAVE THAT
EFFECT, BUT THEY DIDN’T LISTEN.
[LAUGHTER]
IT SUCKS UNTIL YOU READ FURTHER.
"THEY SKEW TOWARDS -- AND MSNBC,
WHICH ARE DOWN.
FOX RATINGS ARE UP 12%."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WHAT THE HELL?
WHY DID YOU GROUP THEM TOGETHER
AND SAY THEY ALWAYS -- ON
AVERAGE WHEN ONLY TWO CODED? THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING HE DOES
THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING HE DOES
WITH -- IN THE FRENCH ARMY!
CLAIMED THAT CABLE NEWS AND SAW
A DROP TO PRE-PANDEMIC LEVELS
WITH NET WORTH DOWN 50% IN PRIME TIME UNTIL THEY SAID MSNBC AND
TIME UNTIL THEY SAID MSNBC AND
CNN ON DOWN RESPECTIVELY. DON’T LUMP US IN WITH ANDREA
DON’T LUMP US IN WITH ANDREA
MITCHELL, UNLESS I ALSO GET TO
SLEEP WITH ALEXANDRIA.
[LAUGHTER]
I AM AN ANIMAL.
IT’S NO SURPRISE TO SEE CNN AND
MSNBC GO DOWN.
HERE IS CNN.
>> YOU DON’T WANT TO SOCIAL
DISTANCE, YOU DON’T WANT TO WEAR
A MASK, MAYBE YOU DON’T WANT TO
GO TO A HOSPITAL. >> MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE OF YOUR
>> MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE OF YOUR
PRESENCE ON THE CAMPUS NEWS.
>> YOU ARE A ZOOM CALL WITH YOUR
COLLEAGUES, EVERYONE TOOK A
BREAK.
AT WHICH TIME, YOU WERE
CAUGHT --
ON CAMERA.
>> CLASSIC.
THAT’S CNN, BUT HERE IS FOX.
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HERE IS MSNBC.
>> WHEN A NOT SO BRIGHT
BILLIONAIRE --
JUST HANDED IT TO THE FAR RIGHT.
>> YOU GOT TO STOP COMPLAINING.
THERE’S SO MANY PEOPLE WHO
LITERALLY SEE THESE INFLATION
RATES -- THEY ONLY HAVE TWO
MEALS INSTEAD OF THREE --
ESSENTIALLY ENSLAVED TO A
DOCUMENT THAT WAS WRITTEN MORE
THAN 230 YEARS AGO A GROUP OF
MEN.
>> NO, THAT’S MSNBC.
[LAUGHTER] ♪ ♪
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IT’S PRETTY OBVIOUS WHY THEY ARE
IN TROUBLE.
IT IS THE EXHAUSTION OVER BAD
NEWS OR FAKE NEWS?
IF IT WERE BAD NEWS, IT WOULD
HIT US ALL EQUALLY.
IT’S ABOUT HOW IT FLOWS FROM ONE
DIRECTION.
THAT CAN ONLY BE WHY PEOPLE ARE
SICK OF THEM BUT NOT OF US.
IT’S LIKE SAYING PEOPLE ARE NOT
EATING AS MUCH PIZZA BECAUSE
THEY ARE SICK OF IT, BUT FROZEN
PIZZA -- NOT PAPA JOHN’S OR
DOMINO’S.
BETTER GET FREE PIZZA OUT OF
THAT.
SO THEY ARE NOT SICK OF PIZZA,
THEY ARE SICK OF BAD PIZZA, SO
WHAT EXACTLY IS THIS?
♪ ♪
[LAUGHTER]
>> YOU HAVE BEEN HOSED.
THE KODIAK SMACK ALMOST THREW
UP.
[LAUGHTER]
IT’S TIME -- THAT MAKE US HATE
THE NEWS.
NOT ALL OF THEM, BECAUSE THIS
SHOW IS ONLY AN HOUR LONG --
MINUS CLOSE-UPS OF SEBASTIAN.
[LAUGHTER]
OF COURSE, THERE’S RUSSIAN
COLLUSION.
THE RUSSIANS -- ON AMERICAN SOIL
SOIL.
TRUMP OVERFED KOI FISH IN JAPAN.
TRUMP -- PROTESTERS WITH
TEAR GAS.
BORDER PATROL AGENTS -- ILLEGAL.
SLACKED OFF WITH THIS INFO.
I NEED A BREAK.
WHERE WAS I?
HE IS A HOAX, SHE NOR SIX WAS
WORSE THAN 9/11 --
TOTAL B.S., BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN
TRYING FOR YEARS.
[LAUGHTER]
I DON’T HAVE THE HITS?
INFLATION IS ALL PUTIN’S FAULT,
AND BRADLEY COOPER IS DATING --
AND I AM DATING ANTHONY WEINER.
[LAUGHTER]
IT’S NOT THAT WE ARE SICK OF --
IT’S THAT WE ARE BEING LIED TO
BY STUPID PEOPLE.
TODAY, MOST NEWS HOUSEHOLDS --
MOST NEW WITHOUT --
ALSO CLAIMS THAT THE INTEREST IN
THE PRESIDENT WENT DOWN A LOT
HUNTER BIDEN.
HE ALSO SAYS THAT HE GENERATED
SEVEN TIMES MORE GOOGLE SEARCHES
THAN OBAMA, AND MAYBE THAT’S BECAUSE PRESIDENTS ARE MORE
BECAUSE PRESIDENTS ARE MORE
INTERESTING IN --
>> I SAID THAT FOR SHANNON.
[LAUGHTER]
COULD IT BE THAT TRUMP WAS MORE
INTERESTING?
PERHAPS.
THIS STORY WAS LATER REVEALED AS
FAKE, AND CREATE A LOT OF
INTRIGUE.
THE STORIES WERE NEVER GOOD. THE FAKE STORY ABOUT TRUMP --
THE FAKE STORY ABOUT TRUMP --
GETTING -- ON BY A HOOKER.
THEY REFUSED TO PAINT THEM IN
THAT LIGHT.
THEY WILL JUST SETTLE FOR BAD
NUMBERS.
SO THE PUBLIC LOST -- IT WAS THE
MEDIA THAT DELIBERATELY LOST
INTEREST IN DOING SOMETHING
HONEST.
INSTEAD -- "THE ADULTS ARE BACK
IN CHARGE," JOE IS DEFINITELY
NOT CORRUPT, NOT SENILE. COULD DO 201 ARMED PUSH-UPS.
COULD DO 201 ARMED PUSH-UPS.
GET THIS: HIS WIFE IS A DOCTOR. [LAUGHTER]
A MEDICAL DOCTOR.
SO THEY ARE -- THEY CLAIM WE ARE
TIRED OF BAD NEWS.
THEY TALK ABOUT THE INDUSTRY FOR
WHAT IT IS.
IT IS A CONVEYOR BELT OF
MISINFORMATION.
HANDLING STYROFOAM, SOAKED --
KIT.
GETTING HUNGRY.
THEY ARE PAID LIARS LIKE THE
REST OF THE
HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS.
[LAUGHTER]
IT’S AMAZING HOW WE WENT FROM
WALTER CRONKITE TO CLIFF CLAVE
IN.
MAYBE IT’S ALWAYS BEEN HIM AND
WE NEVER KNEW, BUT WE DON’T HOAX
YOU.
IF YOU CAN’T DO THAT FOR THAT
MUCH.
AT "GUTFELD!," "TRUST" IS OUR
SAFE WORD.
[LAUGHTER]
ALTHOUGH I DO HAVE A HABIT OF
IGNORING NEWS.
[LAUGHTER] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
PLEASE WELCOME TONIGHT’S GUEST!
SHANNON BREAM!
I WOULD LIKE TO KEEP HIM
OVERNIGHT FOR OBSERVATION.
MOST OF "DR. DREW AFTER DARK,"
IT’S DR. DREW.
STATES ON THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY:
DIET AND TUBERCULOSIS.
KAT TIMPF SMACK HE WANTS TOOK
HIS SHIRT OFF OF HIS BACK TO COVER THE FIELD DURING A
COVER THE FIELD DURING A
RAIN DELAY.
ESBS IN THE HOUSE.
>> IT’S THE NUMBER ONE AGAIN
OUTSIDE OF THAT.
>> YOU SHOULD JUST RESPOND WITH
"NOW, YOU ARE GOING TO FIND
OUT."
AND THEN YOU GAP OUT.
>> GET THEM IN THE EYE WITH A
PENCIL.
[LAUGHTER]
>> FIRST OF ALL, I’M SURPRISED
THEY INCLUDED THE GOOD FOX
NUMBERS IN THERE.
YOUR SHOW IS NOT SUFFERING, AND
THE SHOW AFTER YOUR SHOW IS ALSO
NOT SUFFERING.
[APPLAUSE]
I FEEL LIKE THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH
THE OTHER OUTLETS, THEY ARE --
HE IS HAVING SUCH A ROUGH TIME.
THE POLL NUMBERS ARE TERRIBLE,
STARTING FROM AFGHANISTAN, AND
THE DISASTROUS LOSS OF 13
ADDITIONAL LIVES THERE FROM OUR
BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN.
IT’S NOT LIKE WHEN THEY HAD
PRESIDENT TRUMP AS A PUNCHING
BAG.
THE COACH ERB WAS A LOT OF FUN.
EVEN WHEN THEY WERE TRASHING
HIM, IT WAS A LOT OF FUN.
WE TALKED ABOUT THIS, DR. DREW,
AT LENGTH SOMETIMES ON TV AND
SOMETIMES PRIVATELY IN MY
BASEMENT.
>> TRUST.
SAFE WORD.
[LAUGHTER]
>> YOU WOULD ARGUE THAT WATCHING
THE NEWS IS NOT HEALTHY.
>> YOU WOULD FEEL YOURSELF
CHANGING IF YOU WATCH SOMETHING
ON THE SOCIAL MEDIA.
>> THIS IS JUST A HYPOTHESIS.
IT’S OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE.
YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY FEEL BETTER
BETTER.
I AM SO EXHAUSTED.
NOT ON YOUR SHOW. I HAVE A GOOD TIME, BUT I WONDER
I HAVE A GOOD TIME, BUT I WONDER
IF IT IS -- WAS ON HOW LONG NOW?
THEY STILL HAVE THIS ARRANGEMENT
WHERE IT IS JUST GOING, AND THE
VITRIOL IS ALSO SO MUCH.
>> THEY HAVE THAT LONG
ARRANGEMENT.
IT WON’T GO AWAY.
KAT.
>> SURE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> HAVE YOU GIVEN UP?
>> THIS IS ME TRYING.
[LAUGHTER]
>> CNN IS TRYING TO CHANGE.
>> WE HAVE HEARD THAT.
I DON’T KNOW IF THERE’S CHANGES,
BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO.
IT’S NOT REALLY NEWS.
WE JUST DO NEWS.
OBVIOUSLY, CHANGED.
SO MUCH OF WHAT IS CALLED NEWS
NOW IS JUST A GUY TELLING YOU
WHAT HE THINKS ABOUT STUFF, AND
WHAT YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT
STUFF.
THERE IS ALREADY AN OVER
SITUATION OF THIS, SO I DON’T
THINK WE NEED THAT ON TV.
I JUST LIKE TO WATCH SOMETHING.
>> THAT’S GOOD.
>> FORENSIC FILES. AFTER MARK
>> TEEN MOM, "YOUNG AND
PREGNANT," --
[LAUGHTER]
"EVICTED AND PREGNANT."
IT’S REALLY SAD.
DON’T LOOK IT UP ON FACEBOOK.
>> THE WORST PART ABOUT THE
NEWS, I THINK I THINK --
EVERYBODY IS KIND OF DOING THE
SAME THING.
THEY RIP OFF EACH OTHER.
>> PREGNANT AND SO AM I.
THAT’S WHAT I FORGOT.
[LAUGHTER]
>> NEAR THE END -- THERE MIGHT
BE ANOTHER ONE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> DOING THE SAME THING, AND I
HAVE TO DEFEND HERE.
DON’T GET TO BRING IN A NEWS
MAN.
CHRIS WALLACE IS GETTING A SHOW.
[LAUGHTER]
IT’S CALLED "RAISING ARIZONA."
IT’S GOING TO BE GREAT.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT HEY, BRING IN THE NEWS GUY.
IT GOT THAT FOR ’EM.
THEY JUST DON’T TELL THE NEWS.
I THINK IT’S OKAY TO NOT HAVE A
LOT OF RATINGS IF YOU ARE JUST
GETTING THE NEWS.
IF YOU ARE BEING STRAIGHT AND
TELLING THE NEWS AND PEOPLE ARE
COMING IN, THAT MEANS THEY ARE
LIVING THEIR LIVES AND WILL BE
PARANOID.
WHEN YOUR ENTIRE SHOW IS BASED
OFF OF CRYING WOLF OR CRYING
WHICH THEY ARE THE CLICKING
"HE’S GOING TO ANNOUNCE THAT
NEXT WEEKEND --" SO THEY ARE
LINKING IT TRYING TO GET YOU TO
TUNE AND SO HE WOULD ANNOUNCE
LIVE WHAT HE ANNOUNCED NOW.
SO MUCH.
THEY JUST DON’T --
BELIEVED "DON’T CHANGE ALSO SO
MUCH."
EVERYONE IS EXCITED, THEN WE CAN
WAIT FOR TRUMP TO COME BACK.
>> NOBODY HAS EVER BEEN EXCITED
BY CHRIS WALLACE, NOT EVEN
CHRIS WALLACE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> THEY LOVE IT, COMING IN HERE,
WALKING DOWN THE HALL.
THE NEW VARIANT IS HERE!
IT’S MORE INFECTIOUS.
>> WE ARE DOING THAT IN THE NEXT
SEGMENT.
THE WORST VARIANTS, AND HERE I
THOUGHT THAT WAS ME.
[LAUGHTER]
DIFFERENT KIND OF TRUST.
>> SAFE WORD.