Punching the burn throttle on The Rageaholic's Downfall of Video Game Journalism series,
today's subject is the long-awaited decapitation of a universally-reviled fraudulence foundry.
The only journalistic website for whom the word 'alleged' is perpetually implied...
I refer of course to Kotaku.com.
If IGN's heel goes the way of Achilles only at the sight of cold, hard implied advertising
cash...
Kotaku doesn't even get weak in the knees until it's time to flat-out fuckin' lie.
I can't count on both hands, both feet, and each individual skin cell in my body... just
how many times Kotaku has been caught lying through the hole in their credentials.
Kotaku is to dishonesty what France is to cowardice.
This site prints more retractions than Disney's Wolverine.
A process that's made said corrections so commonplace, they are even cross-reported
by the competition as actual fuckin' news stories.
Remember when Kotaku printed the 'It's time to start worrying about Thief 4' article?
Remember how not five fucking months later, Thief 4 was revealed?
Oops!
Top-notch stuff, Kotaku.
Kotaku... 'alleged'... that because the game had lost, and promptly replaced - seven fuckin'
people... over the course of four goddamn years... the game had suffered more impediment
than JFreedan's speech patterns.
7 people?
On a team of over 80?
Over a 4 year fuckin' period?!
I mean, what the cunt?
Metal Gear Rising had to be rebuilt from the ground-up and handed from one studio to the
next at Hideo Kojima's direct, and dissatisfied, insistence, so where the addle-brained fuck
was the 'It's Time to Start Worrying About Metal Gear Rising' article?
For fuck's sake, the game's title had a made-up fuckin' word in it!
And not a made-up word like Morrowind!
A made-up word like 'Refudiate', or fuckin' 'Strategery'.
What the fuck - did the new G-Taste hentai figurines with the removable clothing get
a second-printing that week?
Is it all too much to ask that you languid fuckin' pervs briefly emerge from your ramune
stupor, disengage your cocktail sausage fingers from your dainty crank, turn your bloodshot
gaze from the endless parade of fornicating adolescent animu waifs for five fuckin' seconds,
and report a motherfuckin' news story?!
Which brings me to Kotaku's self-evident nihongophilia, specifically the fact that it's explicitly
at odds with their pretence to journalistic credulity.
In October of 2012, this is a site that refused to cover the Robert Florence / Eurogamer.net
outright censorship scandal...
cowering behind wafer-thin principle, in the process, by remarking that it was 'an irrelevant
story', and adding further that what's much more important is 'doing good games journalism'.
But you know what Kotaku did have time to cover in October of 2012?
Rageaholics?!
DO YA' SEE?!
'AT MCDONALD'S IN JAPAN...
FRENCH FRIES ARE CAUSIN' ALL SORTS OF CHAOS!!!'
TOTEMO NO KAWAII DESU YO!!!
Putting aside the fact that Kotaku's Japanese-centric mentality is lodged somewhere around the year
199-fuckin'-8... this is a site that, time and again, illustrates that its only demonstrable
talent is the generation of eye-grabbing headlines with five sentences of unsourced text directly
beneath, invariably concluded with a question mark.
Kotaku!
Why in jiggling blue titties do you exist?
ABSOLUTELY ANYONE on this planet can do what you do!
Headline: HALO 4 TESTICULAR CANCER SCARE!
Article: Apparently the best friend of a guy who knows a guy who dated a girl once who
has a cousin who once owned a lamborghini that was once driven in the immediate vicinity
of a Halo 4 demo kiosk has now contracted testicular cancer.
Coincidence?
Cue the inevitable 789 replies, each with a diabetic peppering of 4chan memes and the
blindingly buttfuckin' obvious, even as the true stars of the article, the advertisements,
throb and sparkle like a twilight vampire in the margins of the fucking page.
This shit is more formulaic than CSI Miami.
Kotaku is barely even a fucking newsblog!
At this point, they're merely a receptacle for the cross-linking of a full metric shitload
of stories generated on other websites, seasoned with a briny blend of unmitigated rumormongering.
Even their 'original content' - see: Anything at all having to do with every shift in the
breeze on the Japanese mainland - is predominantly culled from other, often Japanese websites
like asahi.com or The Japan Times that haven't formed their Japanese cultural analysis from
years of cultivating cock blisters playing motherfuckin' Catherine.
Even when they aren't reporting news stories outnumbered 2-to-1 by their retractions...
they also happen to be bad at being nihongophiles!
As someone who does speak Japanese, and has been to Japan, I can tell you first-hand Kotaku's
Japanese translations are about as faithful as Jude Law after a box of wine coolers.
Avoid this site.
Just don't fucking go there.
Kotaku is the punchline to the joke that is video game journalism.
I'm RazörFist.
God - fucking - SPEED.