What do we get wrong about happiness?
We get so much wrong about happiness.
Part of the problem is
that we treat it as a noun like love or success.
Like it's a thing that's sort of easy to put in a box
and then we think we're entitled to it, or we think we've failed
if we don't have it.
But like success and love and all those things that get too easily
labeled, they're sort of activities, really, they're verbs, the things that come from
choices that we make and priorities that we form and the way we approach life,
and sometimes particularly with happiness, rather than seeing it as a
this thing, this thing we should be aiming for, it's better seen as a by-product.
It's better seen maybe as a by-product of finding meaning in life, for example.
And when you don't chase it directly,
it tends to arrive in a much fuller form.
One thing is not to be deferring it,
and so much of what we're told today is about setting your goals.
You'll be happy if you set your goals and if you believe in yourself.
There's not a helpful way of thinking.
When things don't work out,
you've then got to blame yourself like it's somehow your fault
and you can only judge
any philosophy by how well it serves you when things go badly.
So that kind of optimistic philosophy
doesn't serve us at all because it just adds
our own sense of failure to a list of problems.
What will make us happy?
So as an example, I have a friend who decided to be
a millionaire by a certain age.
Achievement was a big thing for him.
So he spent decades building up a company
so that he could sell it and retire early and be a millionaire.
He did all of that and became really depressed very quickly because what
he hadn't realised was it wasn't being a millionaire and retiring
that was important.
It was the activity.
It was throwing himself into building up a company.
That's what gave his life meaning.
So suddenly his life had no meaning.
So we misunderstand the things
that are supposed to bring us happiness.
Alan Watts had the nice idea that when you listen to a piece of music,
you don't just skip to the end because that's where it all comes together.
When you read a book or watch a movie, you don't just go to the end
because it makes sense of what's come before.
And maybe life is more like a piece of music.
Happiness, I think, is best understood as a by-product of meaning.
Social situations can often feel
overwhelming for so many people.
How do we manage social anxiety?
I definitely get social anxiety in some situations.
Dinner parties I generally hate.
I just sit there thinking I've got nothing to say to anybody.
So of all the things in the podcast that I found most useful, personally,
I think it was probably this area.
Two thoughts really stuck with me.
One is the uselessness of the advice to just be yourself.
Now, on the one hand it is useful because we're very good with our friends, right?
So we do have it within us
to be relaxed and nice and funny and all of those things that these events
that, you know, we can find are difficult
or in social situations or whatever it is for you.
When someone says be yourself. So what does that mean?
Like what version of myself?
What is that they're even talking about?
Because we are different in so many different situations anyway.
I think it's a very good idea.
To develop a sort of party version of yourself or
a dinner party version of yourself or a social version
that doesn't have to be the super authentic version of who you are,
because what is that?
Is that who you are when you're on your own, in which case
It would be completely inappropriate in a social situation.
So allowing yourself to lean into a version of yourself that works
well there and something you can practice and work on a bit without worrying
about whether it's authentic or not.
I think if you are a little bit like me and you do get a bit shy
in the situations also, it's not that you don't have those skills.
It's not that you're useless in these situations.
you've got nothing to offer.
Probably out of all the people there you're one of the more eager
to actually, like, connect and properly have a conversation with people.
It's interesting.
We, we,
we overthink it, but actually we're probably
very well equipped, probably more empathic than most.
We’re often told to stop worrying about things outside of our control.
But yet it seems too hard to do.
Why do we continue to worry and how can we try and stop it?
So this is one of the basic ideas of stoic philosophy, which is
a 2000 year old, very, very popular school of philosophy
that stretched across the Greek and the Roman period.
If you try and control things in your life that you cannot control that are beyond
your control, you're
obviously just going to get frustrated and make yourself anxious, right?
Like trying to move an object with your mind.
Can't be done. Only try and control the things that you can actually control.
So what are they?
Well, basically just comes down to your thoughts and your actions,
the things you think and the things you do, which is easier said than done.
But those are the only things in your control.
Everything else, what other people do and what they think of you, how outcomes -
how things turn out in the world - how well other people do their jobs,
all those kind of things, sort of have nothing to do with you.
You have no control over those things.
So the trick is to decide that those things are fine as they are.
And if you do that, it's interesting because nothing bad happens.
We're convinced something bad must happen because it's like we're trying
to let go of some control but we don't have that control anyway.
Then there's an interesting middle area,
which is where you're sort of partly in control.
So matters of success, for example, So a good analogy
for this from William B Ervin, who's one of the people on our podcast.
He says, it's like playing a game of tennis.
If you go into a game of tennis, thinking, I must win,
you are trying to control something you can't control, which is the outcome.
Your opponent might be better than you.
And if they start to beat you, you're going to feel anxious and frustrated.
You might feel like you're failing. Where as if you go in thinking
I'll play as well as I possibly can, I will play to the best of my abilities.
Well, that is under your control, right?
That's something you're in control of.
Doesn't matter if they start to play better than you,
you are still going to succeed in your aim.
You can still play as best as you can,
and you'll play better as well because you'll become less anxious.
And I have had this verified by tennis players.
It's a much better approach to go in with.
So it's about having high intentions.
Yes, but low expectations.
Can anxiety ever be a good thing?
So I'm a big fan of Stoicism, which is a great way of avoiding
unnecessary anxiety in your life.
But the problem with it and with other approaches, Buddhism is
another one, is that it almost demonises the idea of anxiety.
And anyone that has panic attacks knows that part of the problem of anxiety
generally is you become anxious about the fact you're feeling anxious
and all the problems that that in itself is going to lead to.
So thinking sometimes about anxiety as something that can be helpful,
is in itself helpful and taking some of the steam out of it.
If it wasn't for anxiety, how would we ever know to change something in our lives?
You don't change your job until the first one is bothering you.
You don't change your relationship
unless you feel anxious in the first one because you know it's not right.
So feeling anxious and feeling a little insecure is part of growth.
It's a really important part of moving forward in life.
And growing.
So anxiety is something we can let sit.
It doesn't have to be the enemy.
Having said that, there's there's unnecessary amounts of anxiety
there's unhelpful anxiety, which I think is
is important to try and get a handle on some control over.
And in the podcast, we look at various gentle ways of doing that,
which I think are very effective, but I don't think it has to be the enemy.
I think it's part of the human experience,
and it can spur us on, it can spur us onto great creative things.
And it can spur us onto important changes in our life.
I'd like to introduce you to my new Audible
original podcast, Derren Brown's Boot Camp for Life.
So listen now only on Audible.