(bright music)
- [Narrator] Hey, Psych2Goers, welcome back.
This video is brought to you in collaboration
with Ana from Ana Psychology,
a channel dedicated to real life
applications to psychology.
In this video, we're going to talk about
how to keep a relationship in the honeymoon phase
for as long as possible.
First of all,
I know some of you based on the title
may say that this is not possible
and that you can't keep a relationship
in the honeymoon phase forever.
It really depends on how you define the honeymoon phase.
In this video, the honeymoon phase will be defined
through three main qualities.
Idealization, passion, and lack of fighting.
Can all of these three qualities be prolonged forever
and with the same intensity at which
they're found in the early stages of a relationship?
Probably not.
For instance, the idealization
found at the very beginning of a relationship
is not likely to linger forever
at that intensity.
However, you can draw out the honeymoon phase
for much longer than average,
which is about six months,
and maintain certain elements
of the honeymoon phase forever.
No, this is not something you can accomplish
if you don't even try.
But if you do try your hardest
and really work at keeping your relationship
fresh, passionate and happy,
then you can probably incorporate
aspects of the honeymoon phase
well into your relationship
and maximize the happiness
of your long-term relationship.
So before we get into how exactly
we can keep our relationship
in the honeymoon phase,
we have to discuss the three characteristics
of the honeymoon phase
in a bit more detail.
So what is realistic for us to keep forever
and what should we probably accept will disappear?
One really important component
is the idealization of your partner.
This is when you're in the early stages of the relationship
and they can do no wrong.
They can have no negative qualities,
nothing is unattractive about them,
and they're a perfect human and perfect for you.
This is something that helps two people bond
in those early stages of a relationship
and build a strong foundation
that will last them for years,
but it's not realistic
and not necessarily healthy
to keep this outlook forever.
It might make it difficult for you to set boundaries
or to acknowledge that what they're doing
sometimes is wrong.
Or it may swing to devaluation
because idealization tends to go
hand in hand with devaluation,
which is when you swing to the completely opposite side
where your partner messing up
means they have no value.
Another aspect of the honeymoon phase is passion.
This is when you want to spend
all of your time with them.
You feel a strong physical connection to them.
You get butterflies around them.
You get intense emotions because of them.
It could be jealousy, infatuation, anger, or happiness.
You can and absolutely should
try to keep the passion in your relationship
past the honeymoon phase.
Without passion, the relationship
turns into more of a friendship.
This does tend to happen with long-term relationships.
Once you spend a lot of time together,
you know each other really well
and you get comfortable.
If passion disintegrates,
you become more like friends than anything else.
And while you can still
be committed to them at that point
and therefore they'll feel bonded with them,
if passion decreases,
that puts the relationship at risk
of wandering eyes and dissatisfaction.
Another aspect of the honeymoon phase
is the lack of arguments.
The honeymoon phase usually ends
right around the point
when you have your first fight.
So if you're fighting
very early in the stages of your relationship
or before you even got together,
that can be a red flag.
Relationships that aren't good in the very beginning,
hardly ever last long or last happily.
And definitions of arguments
vary from person to person
based on culture, upbringing,
the dynamics of the relationship, et cetera.
One person might define fighting
as verbal or physical aggression,
yelling, not listening to each other,
stonewalling and so on.
But it may be even healthier
to have a lower threshold
for what you consider fighting.
Maybe you define fighting
as your partner speaking over you,
taking small jabs,
lack of empathy and so on.
This is an unpopular opinion,
but you can absolutely ensure
that you have very few arguments in a relationship,
if at all.
The notion that all couples fight
is somewhat toxic
and sets a low standard
for how romantic partners should treat each other.
It's not reasonable to expect
that of other types of relationships
such as, oh, all teachers and students fight.
All uncles and nephews fight.
No, that's not an accurate generalization
that all couples fight.
It may be very common,
but we should not simply accept it
because it's common.
We should be working to prevent it.
Okay, so we've talked about
the components of the honeymoon phase.
Idealization, passion, and no fighting.
Now, how do you stay in the honeymoon phase
for as long as possible
or incorporate aspects of the honeymoon phase
throughout your relationship?
Let's start with passion.
How do you foster passion?
Some distance can help.
You know the expression
distance makes the heart grow fonder?"
It can definitely be true,
although I'm not necessarily talking
about physical distance.
When you're always grasping at someone
and they're always just out of reach,
it does rile up your passion for them.
And that could be because of physical distance,
like living apart or having other responsibilities,
but it could also be because
someone is playing you, manipulating you,
always trying to play hard to get.
If a couple is together 24/7
for the first few months of their relationship,
they might think that they're making
the most of their honeymoon phase.
But in reality, they could be ending it prematurely.
It's important to remember
that you can always place a little bit of distance
between you and your partner.
It doesn't have to involve
running to the other side of the world.
It could be keeping yourself busy with hobbies,
not canceling girl's night,
going home to see your family.
All of these things allow you to return
to your partner after some distance
and come back feeling more passionate for each other
with new and interesting perspectives to share.
Even when quarantining together,
it is possible to have some distance
so that you're not always focused on each other.
The reunion after a long day
of not seeing each other
is so much more exciting, warm,
and passionate than the reunion
after a day that you spent together.
Another tip for growing passion
is not to get lazy.
To continue to always try to woo, or court,
or impress your partner.
And I know that sometimes
people don't like to hear this,
but it's true of any aspect of your life.
Would you think you can maintain a successful business
if you didn't keep working at it?
What about keeping good grades
if you don't do your best in school?
We need to understand
that breakups are always a possibility
and that we can't take our partner for granted.
The second you get complacent,
it becomes a possibility
that your relationship will suffer.
So how do you keep working at your relationship?
You can continue to initiate dates.
Even in quarantine,
there are ways to have romantic date nights.
You can keep yourself looking
presentable and sharp, well kept.
You can keep your home tidy
as if you're still trying
to impress someone coming over.
You can keep being chivalrous or courteous,
like holding the doors open for them,
saying please and thank you, complimenting them, and so on.
Another way to rile up the passion is through random acts
and words of affection or appreciation.
For example, get them flowers
when you're at the supermarket,
say I love you or take their hand
when you're just working next to each other.
Also try to switch things up at least once a day.
For example, if you usually go watch TV
right after dinner, suggest a board game one time.
Also. don't stop making them laugh.
Laughter is medicine.
Be the person that gives your partner joy and laughter.
You don't want someone else to be that person.
And how about preventing arguments?
How do you make sure that there are no arguments?
If things are getting heated, lower your voice,
because sometimes you don't realize
that your voice is getting louder and louder.
Also, sugarcoat things a little bit.
If you feel like you can and want to tell your partner
the most blunt thing, rethink that,
because we think that we can get away
with being a little more rude with people
that we take for granted or that we think
aren't going to leave us, but ask yourself,
would I speak this way to my boss?
Would I speak this way to a person at the supermarket?
If not, reconsider, reframe it,
sugarcoat it, and say it nicer.
Because if you take this person for granted,
it's going to show.
Also, use a lot of I statements.
Instead of saying, you always do this
or you get on my nerves, say,
I feel this way because of this thing that happened,
or, I need this from you, I need that from you.
I statements are very helpful.
Also physical touch to remind them that you care about them.
It's crucial if things are getting heated to remind them
that you care about them through affection.
This can be as simple as just placing a hand on their hand.
It gets happy hormones going in their brain
when they're reminded that you love them.
And validate their point of view.
Make it clear that you understand their perspective.
Say, I completely understand.
You're working really hard
and I've been slacking with the dishes.
So we talked about how to avoid arguments in a relationship.
How do we keep passion alive?
What about maintaining a little bit of that idealization?
We spoke in the beginning about how idealization
is the one that isn't really necessary to incorporate
throughout your relationship past the honeymoon phase.
But we should still keep a little bit of it.
You can do this by boasting about your partner
and their accomplishments and positive qualities
to others or even to them.
You can tell them, you're so pretty. You work so hard.
You're so good at what you do, and so on.
Always keep a running list of green flags,
especially if you keep a list of red flags,
and especially if you already know
you value this relationship for the long-term.
Ask yourself, what do I love about this person?
What are they wonderful at?
Because if you look at that list or run through the list
in your head and you realize how great they are
you're much more likely to idealize them.
Also, verbally point out
all of the wonderful things that they do.
And don't stop saying please and thank you
every now and then when you look over at them,
especially now when you're quarantined together.
Just look over and think how great they are
and say something nice to them or take their hand.
But equally important, you need to try to maximize
their chances of idealizing you.
Don't stop working on self-improvement.
Don't stop growing. Don't stop changing.
Don't stop taking care of yourself,
both physically and mentally.
Don't stop working at the relationship.
This goes along with the issue of fostering passion.
Don't get lazy.
Don't get complacent in your relationship.
But here's the issue.
One person can do all the work in the world
trying to keep this relationship in the honeymoon phase,
but it means nothing if the other person
doesn't also put in the work.
If your partner is committed to keeping your relationship
as happy and fresh as you are, that's amazing.
But if they don't care enough to even watch this video
or to hear why it might be important
to incorporate the honeymoon phase into your relationship,
if they're offended by the idea that they have to put work
into this relationship, if they want to get lazy
instead of keeping you happy, then you deserve better.
You can play a little hard to get.
You can capitalize on the distance
to get them to long for you more,
but really you shouldn't need to do that.
You shouldn't have to resort to convincing the other person.
You can't force someone to behave a certain way
and you can't force them to value you.
You either have to accept things as they are
or move on if they're not willing to work
on this relationship with you.
Because I imagine a lot of those of you watching this
may be people who are struggling with their relationship
and want to make sure it gets better,
and it does take two to tango.
You can't be putting in 100% of the work alone.
So did you find these tips helpful?
Let us know in the comments below.
Once again, this video is brought to you
in collaboration with Ana from Ana Psychology.
The link to her channel can be found in the description box.
Also don't forget to subscribe to Psych2Go
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and thanks for watching.
(relaxing music)