- Twenty years ago,
Hampton DeVille was formed when my company merged
with another company owned by a one Parker Hampton.
Now he and I could never see eye to eye.
Hampton is 5'2" and blind.
I'll spare you the details. Suffice to say,
he and I got into a petty disagreement
over a measly $1 million.
Now, Hampton was raised poor,
so he's always counted nickels and cents
like some Dickensian penny pincher
even after he was a billionaire many times over.
That miserable little prick has made it clear
that if I don't pay him that million dollars,
he's going to come after me with all he's got.
So I need you boys to deliver this briefcase to him
at the DeVille Suites in Jackson Lake,
six hours north.
Now this is extremely important to me.
I care about this more than...
Hmm...
- Family? - No, not family.
- Friends? - I'm more of a "Seinfeld" guy.
- Oh, this is so hard. - Yeah.
- What is important in life?
- The, uh, the power of seduction?
- No. - I kinda care about football
because it's the only thing I can talk about with my father.
- Gourmet dining?
- Well, I'll give it some more thought.
The point is...
Don't fuck this up.
♪ ♪
- Okay, but what happens if we do?
♪ ♪
- Jesus.
♪ ♪
Combos? Really, Jake?
- Don't judge me. I'm in vacation mode.
Some people cheat on their significant others
while they're out of town.
I eat Combos.
I got a Lotto scratcher as well.
- Well, there goes $2 you'll never get back.
- Wait, what? It's never coming back?
Oh, no! My $2!
- Well, if you don't start thinking
about these things now,
you won't have any money for retirement.
- How will I ever be able to retire now?
I'm so worried!
I'll have to work until long after I'm dead!
♪ ♪
- Oh, uh, no, thanks. We got it.
- Oh, no problem, sir. - Mm-hmm.
- Have a great stay.
- [sighs] You've got to stay on your toes.
If you're not careful, hotels will bleed you dry.
I was gonna tip her. - Jesus Christ, man.
The whole point of hotels
is to make other people do stuff for you.
It's like being a kid before you realize your parents
are human beings and you're destroying their lives.
- Here are your keys.
And all I need now is a credit card.
- Wait, I thought the room was paid for.
- Yes, the card covers you in case of incidentals.
For example, you might incidentally enjoy
some of our hotel's top-shelf pornography,
or you might incidentally destroy
one of our fine toilets.
- We're on vacation. Maybe we'll do both.
- Jake, can you give him your credit card?
- I drove! - [sighs]
- You're gonna be okay, buddy.
Who's my big boy?
- I'm your big boy. - Correct.
- Oh, and there's a note here for you
from someone named Hampton.
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
- Sweet.
We have the whole night to ourselves.
- Hey, where's the luggage? Where's the briefcase?
- I got them right here, sir.
- You slick fuck.
- Elevator's this way, gentlemen.
- I drove, so you're tipping her.
- [sighs]