- I can't imagine that you're a
very romantic, considerate person.
- 5:00am, wake up!
- Oh just go to work.
- Do you want to come with me?
- [Tanya] No!
- [Nick] How do you turn this on?
- You don't know how to turn a kettle on?
- [Nick] No.
- I never thought you could make me feel this shit.
Marriage is about pain and suffering,
and enduring it happily.
I want a divorce.
So I just proposed to Nick.
It didn't go down as smoothly as I would have liked.
I'm really nervous.
I don't know why.
Okay.
Will you marry me?
Just say yes. - Yes, yeah.
(cheering)
- Oh no, why every time the head magnet?
- Head magnet.
One week, let's do this.
- The thing that I'm dreading the most
is sleeping next to this guy for seven nights.
I just, yuck.
- Wow!
- Oh shit.
- Wow.
It's okay, I have like no feelings,
it's completely cool.
- You, I didn't mean it like that.
- Oh yeah, yeah.
Getting married at an early age is
like leaving a party at 6:00pm.
The fun hasn't even begun yet.
- So our first date as husband and wife,
Nick left without me to do his own thing,
and that's completely fine.
I respect autonomy, but in saying that
I am about to surprise him at his house.
I've done so many cute little things for Nick.
- What?
- [Tanya] Surprise.
I took him over a flower.
- What are you doing here?
- Aren't you happy to see me?
Took me a long time to find that fucking flower.
- I took you to dinner.
I paid for your dinner, and you didn't
even have to get out of the car.
- The only meal he took me out to was McDonalds,
which he made me pay for, and I'm a vegetarian.
He bought me a bottle of water on my credit card.
Well.
One day down.
- [Nick] Wakey wakey wifey.
- You're kidding me.
- Do you want to come to work with me?
- No!
- [Nick] You're going to have to come to work
with me one morning eventually.
- I'm not your property just because you married me, Nick!
- Well then what's the point of marriage?
Oh my god, she is so fucking angry at me.
It's just like looking into the eyes of like--
- [Tanya] A dragon?
- [Nick] Yes, all right, I'll see you at work.
- Yes, fuck off!
- So it's 6:30 and I'm on my way to work
by myself because Tanya would rather stay in bed.
Shit move by you, Tan.
- I was just trying to remember what
I had to do today, and then I remembered that
it was marriage.
So far being married to Nick hasn't changed very much.
He doesn't consider me in any aspect of his life.
Nick has left work without me again.
Would be cool if he at least said bye.
- 5:00am, wake up!
Yeah boy!
- Oh just go to work.
- Do you want to come with me?
- [Tanya] No!
- Last chance to come to work.
- Being married to Nick is like being married
to a younger, annoying brother whose
had too many red lollies and exists
purely to make your life a living, agonizing hell.
I wish that he would take it seriously
and maybe like be nice to me?
I'm gonna be a good wife and ask Nick
out to lunch on a nice date.
Eyebrows.
Nick didn't even wait for my eyebrow appointment to finish.
(snoring)
- That was a shit high five.
- Just like our marriage.
Things that have gone wrong
in the past few days, everything.
He hasn't taken me out for a single meal.
He wrote one little lousy note
which was good morning wifey on my desk.
He still has Tinder.
- [Nick] One more swipe.
- [Tanya] No, Nick, that's fucking, I'm right here!
- You super liked her!
- I feel like the most insignificant ant right now.
- [Nick] Look at her eyes, look at the anger.
She has pure hatred for me.
- It's not anger, it's sadness and disappointment.
- [Nick] This is like every break up
conversation I've ever had.
- Is that so funny?
I'm glad you can find humor in this.
(whistles)
- 5:00am, coming to work?
- Fuck off.
So we have a work function on tonight
and Nick left without me.
He didn't even say bye.
He didn't offer me a ride.
I'm just over it.
I feel really sorry for any girl
that's ever dated this guy.
- So we have a company wide meeting in Bondi this morning
and Tanya is going to pick me up on the way
because she wants to be a good wife
and make my day more convenient.
So I should probably put more effort into this marriage.
- Oh my god.
(laughing)
- You're fired. - Fired?
- You're fired. - You're fired.
You're fired.
- [Both] You are actually fired.
- Oh my god.
I'm a fucking idiot.
I don't know why I expected anything from this guy.
We're worlds apart, this has just
further reinstated everything I already knew.
To expect nothing from anyone, to never get married,
and that I'm gay as fuck.
- The one thing I've taken from this marriage
is effort now like from this marriage
for when I actually get married, hopefully,
to do everything opposite to what I did with Tanya.
- [Tanya] That's a great idea.
- We are now officially divorced.
Sorry marriage, but to me you are the thing
I want to do when I've run out of things to do with my life.
You're like the last resort.
- At least you can get married legally in Australia.
No! - Okay.