[Applause]
all right my next guest is currently
appearing at the comedy cellar right
here in new york city through
june 22nd please welcome the very funny
tom papa
hello thanks for coming to the big show
my name is tom i'm a married guy
sorry fellas
it's good being married i like it enjoy
it you know
you don't want to date forever you keep
dating you break up it hurts
it's painful when you split not because
of the emotions you can get over that
it's all the secrets they take with them
when they go very
unsettling after a breakup knowing
there's someone out there who knows that
you like to be spanked with a naked gi
joe
that's good you can get fat let yourself
go when you're married it's good plus
it's in the rules like i love you
you love me we can't have sex with other
people let's eat a chocolate cake
you want ice cream on that yeah you're
not going anywhere
what's the point of losing weight when
you're married the only reason you try
and lose weight is to be more attractive
to somebody else
that's why i don't understand guys
working out in jail
i'd be the fattest chick in the big
house
my wife has a belliana right now because
she's pregnant and her breasts have
quadrupled in size
they're huge they're f's f's
you've seen d's right e f
she put on one of her old bras look like
a shoe string going across the bottom
it's not even fun it's scary she takes
over top to come into bed i'm like you
three leave me alone
she still wants to fool around which is
totally bizarre it's like being chased
around the apartment by a horny snowman
getting ready though we bought a car
which is a big deal living here in new
york it's like getting a house
we got a good garage though for just 250
a month right over in pennsylvania
couldn't ride the bus anymore that's
what it came down to hate the bus
it wouldn't be so bad if it didn't stop
and pick up all those other people but
horrible people on the bus everyone has
a limp or a lazy eye or a tail
it's like the garbage truck for human
trash
[Music]
i get the same feeling on the bus that i
get when i shop at kmart you know what i
mean
that i'm better than everyone else there
you know what i mean you're in those
crummy stores you're like well i'm here
because it's a bargain but these freaks
they have to shop here i'm buying a
hammer this guy's trying on a
three-piece suit
we always think we're better than the
other guy don't we always and we're not
we're no better than anybody else when
i'm on that bus looking across the aisle
at a guy in a santa hat and goggles
and he's looking back at me we're both
thinking the same thing
jackass look at that guy in his goggles
he's looking back poor fella
he doesn't have any goggles
wife and i just got back from a little
romantic getaway we went to a
bed and breakfast you ever tried that a
bed and breakfast
that's a creepy morning isn't it coming
down sharing coffee with all the
strangers who are eavesdropping on you
the night before
well good morning cowboy
you got to do it though when you're in a
relationship you know you got to work at
it you don't want to be part of a bad
couple
oh you ever hang out with a miserable
couple i know you have because they hate
each other they won't break up so they
bring you along as a diversion
everything they say sounds like a fight
everything you want some more wine
what because you're there they do that
face
[Laughter]
you know how you know you can stay with
someone forever if you can sleep with
them
not have sex with them sleep with them
because we're all disgusting when we
sleep
everyone in here different degrees but
you're disgusting
you ever see your old pillow without its
pillowcase
come on looks like a 12 year old oil rag
apparently as soon as we close our eyes
we're leaking syrup
my wife sleeps with her mouth wide open
goes to sleep like an angel ends up like
a walrus
i don't know whether i should kiss her
or toss fish at her
and she does that half eye open thing
just to scare the crap out of me
[Music]
i love her i'll do anything for her
she's a new thing now she wants us to
role play you ever try that the role
play
stupid like who do you want me to be
she's like anybody but you
i'm within 24 hours a day i'm just
supposed to show up hey
i'm the plumber i want to be the plumber
i want to be batman
wants me to talk during sex too that's
where i draw the line uh what do i have
to say
done thank you all very much enjoy the
rest of your show
hey tom hello
everybody