[CHEERING AND CLAPPING]
Welcome!
Welcome to "Full Frontal".
I am Samantha Bee.
Today is December 13, 2017 I think.
Or maybe it's November 9, 2016.
I feel like I got a do over.
Once again, we watched as a regressive candidate
campaigning on white resentment was accused of sexual assault
by enough women to field a softball team.
But this time the story ended differently.
And CNN projects Doug Jones, the Democrat.
He will be the next United States Senator from Alabama.
[CHEERING]
Whooo!
Let's hear it for Doug Jones!
Doug managed to turn Alabama into a purple state
just by being the rare Democrat who
didn't trip over his own dick.
[LAUGHTER]
He didn't Dean scream, he didn't go windsurfing
and he didn't beat a woman.
This guy is killing it.
And in his victory speech Doug Jones
showed that he'll be a good senator for all of the people
of Alabama with a shout out to the imperiled children's
health insurance program.
I have this challenge to my future colleagues
in Washington.
Don't wait on me.
Take this opportunity in light of this election
and go ahead and fund that CHIP program before I get up there.
Wow!
It was going to be accurate either way
but I'm actually happy to say, Alabama,
your senator really cares about kids.
[LAUGHTER]
Also, let's take note that a Democrat
won in Alabama because a Democrat actually
ran for Senate in Alabama.
Jeff Sessions ran unopposed in 2014
and won with 97% of the vote.
The other 3% was just Jeff Sessions being too
tiny to reach the voting lever.
[LAUGHTER]
Guys, we need to keep showing up.
This is a great day for the left and a weird day for the right.
This loss has driven establishment
Republicans into open revolt against Steve
Bannon conservatism.
Sorry, I meant open revulsion.
This guy does not belong on the national stage.
It looks like some disheveled drunk that wandered
onto the political stage.
Did you just call Steve Bannon a disheveled drunk?
No, to be very precise, I said he looks like one.
[LAUGHTER]
Wow, that must be a sobering, rock bottom moment
for the disheveled drunks of the nation.
[LAUGHTER]
There are a lot of people who came together
to make this victory possible.
As always black voters did the hard work no one
else could be counted on to do.
The African-American community-- thank you!
Oh, you better thank black people.
Actually, thank the guy who said he missed slavery.
That was like the bat signal for black voters.
[LAUGHTER]
They turned out in huge numbers despite the fact
that if you're black in Alabama you
are legally required to Zita Jones your way to the polls.
And let's not forget another factor in Doug Jones's
victory, Roy Moore's horse.
She really took one for the team.
I think she may have singlehandedly
eroded the white lady vote.
First of all, when you're riding western
you don't actually use two reins.
And that really hurts the horse.
He's a horrible, cruel horse back
rider on top of being a loser.
That guy does not know what he's doing at all.
He's so off balance and the horse
is so clearly uncomfortable.
You rode into being the biggest loser in Alabama this morning.
And you hurt your horse, Sassy.
You can be a racist, sexist, homophobe and white
lady voters might overlook it.
But do not hurt a horse named Sassy.
[LAUGHTER]
I have to say, I was not expecting this
because a lot of Alabama voters were loudly
ready to double down on Moore.
In the days before the election, Republican political consultant
Frank Luntz spoke with a gaggle of Roy Moore supporters
in a Birmingham coffee shop where
we were treated to television's most upsetting
Central Perk conversation ever.
Could Roy Moore's accusers be any more complicit?
How many are actually not being paid
or being coerced to do that?
FRANK LUNTZ: How many of them do you think are being paid?
All of them. FRANK LUNTZ: All of them?
All of them.
By a show of hands, how many of you
think all the women are being paid?
Seriously?
Do you know how dumb you have to be to surprise Frank Luntz?
And I am not calling Alabamians dumb.
I'm calling people who supported Roy Moore dumb.
Like this guy, Roy Moore's actual campaign spokesman.
Judge Moore has also said that he doesn't think
a Muslim member of Congress should
be allowed to be in Congress.
Why?
Under what-- under what provision of the constitution--
Because you have to swear on the Bible.
You have to swear on a Bible to be
an elected official in the United States of America.
You don't actually have to swear on a Christian Bible you
can swear on anything, really.
I don't know if you knew that. You can swear on a Jewish Bible.
- Oh, no. - You can swear on a--
I swore on the Bible. I've done it three times.
I'm sure you have. I'm sure you've picked a Bible.
But the law is not that you have to swear on a Christian Bible.
That is not the law.
You don't know that?
[LAUGHTER]
Well, that took a while.
But of course, Alabama Republicans
believe in carrying every pregnant pause to full term.
[LAUGHTER]
Still, Alabama did something amazing last night.
Remember, 75% of Alabamians identify as Republicans.
And the state voted nearly 2 to 1 for Trump in 2016.
And yet, Roy Moore lost.
That is remarkable!
I mean, sure, over 650,000 people voted for him.
But at least now you know who not to let babysit your kids.
[LAUGHTER]
Even Alabama's senior Republican Senator, Richard Shelby,
helped propel Jones to victory.
I'd rather see the Republican win.
But I hope that Republican would be a write in.
I couldn't vote for Roy Moore.
I didn't vote for Roy Moore.
But I wrote in a distinguished Republican name.
Not Not sure white Santa is eligible--
[LAUGHTER]
To be on the ballot.
But it's still better than Roy Moore.
Now that we know it takes literal child molestation
to get Republican voters to switch sides,
maybe Democrats will take a lesson from this too.
This is a wake up call for Democrats.
They've taken the black vote and the poor vote
for granted for a long time.
It's time for them to get off their ass
and start making life better for black folks
and people who are poor.
They've always had our votes.
[APPLAUSE]
And they have abused our votes.
And this is a wake up call.
I agree with Charles.
Look, I think that we have to focus on forgotten communities.
My friend Charles Broccoli is right.
[LAUGHTER]
Democrats need to start paying more attention to the people
of color who vote for them.
And it only took one child predator
and decades of black people saying this for them
to realize it.
But at the very least, can this please
mean the end of pretending white coal miners
are the only people who vote?
I don't have any more room for articles about them.
Look, I don't want to read too much into this.
This victory doesn't say anything definitive
about Democrats or Republicans or Donald Trump
or whether Roy Moore is a sad little loser boy--
except for that last thing.
Suck it, Roy Moore.
Jesus thinks you're dumb.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
Seriously, though, this victory belongs
to one small group of people--
the women who came forward against Roy Moore.
They endured--
[APPLAUSE]
Horrific treatment from everyone--
from their neighbors up to the President of the United States.
And they had no idea whether it would make a difference.
Their bravery changed the world last night.
I hope that they are having a great day.
Because thanks to them, Roy Moore sure isn't.
We'll be right back.