ok so sorry guys my room is a total mess but just setting up this little youtube video
for you hello everyone and welcome to the ultimate
channel for students, my name is francesca and today I hope to help you have the best
fresh start at university.
I recently had a message on my facebook page.
The first request ever that I get on my facebook page because my facebook page is dead because
I havent started posting and I will post in september 2017 that's when I am going to start
posting hopefully fingers crossed.
The person asked "Francesca, what about making a video about relationships going into uni,
because a lot of new freshers will already have a boyfriend/girlfriend and want to do
long distance so it would be nice to get your advice."
From my general observations of people coming into university with a boyfriend or girlfriend:
it didn't really end well.
Before we start like being upset by what I just said, okay there is a possibility to
kind of turn things around here ok?
I do have some sort of solution.
University is a time to experiment, to discover yourself, to discover more about what you
like.
I hate to break this to you but at the age of 18 very very very very few people actually
know what they like!
This is just a start of a discovery of a journey of creating your whole spectrum of emotions
of personality and what not.
It's very important for you to understand that what ever you do, whatever you decide,
you need to keep understanding more and learning more about yourself like that's so crucial.
It's up to you to understand, to see how much you want to discover about yourself, but it's
by trying new things whether it's society or meeting new people or hanging out with
different groups of people that you will really get out of that mole that you thought you
were and actually expand to this beautiful being and really like "éclorer in this beautiful
cigno" ok that was 3 languages in one.
Basically just blossom, so many beauties about yourself because uni is just this concentrated
bubble of people just going through the same phase of life.
I think that having a boyfriend or a girlfriend while you are going to, while you are about
to enter in that roller coaster, it kind of defeats the purpose of discovering yourself
at university.
If you manage to find a balance between discovering yourself, creating yourself and having a boyfriend
on a side of course go for it, I am not saying don't do it.
Ok?
I have personally seen a lot of people who have been in a relationship when coming to
university and did not really go out.
And did not really give their whole self to discovering and meeting new people and all
that stuff.
That first term of University is really, is really that time when people go crazy.
And my fear for those who are going to come to university with a boyfriend or girlfriend
is that you are going to close yourself to all the opportunities that you have to meet
new people.
My answer would be this: there are different categories of couples right now who are about
to go to university: the hesitant, there's the hesitant couple.
You are a hesitant couple if one of you as a minimum, if minimum one of you is hesitating
about this whole uni business shall i stay with you or not.
You see, if one of you is hesitant about staying with the other person while going to university,
that's a clear signal that you should break up.
Ok? and please listen until the end because I do have something to alleviate this whole
thing, it's very complicated it's not as easy as saying break up don't break up.
There is like some things in the middle that I want to say at the end so stay until the
end.
Break up because there is hesitation.
And from the moment there is hesitation, there will probably be regret after and the last
thing you want to do is regret your youth or your experience in university, and I'll
tell you how.
But first I want to go to the other category: if you are both of you super in love, like
super like mad about each other like omg if you guys are crazy about each other, take
a break.
If you really really think that you guys are the love of each other's life, if you really
think that, then yes you could try for the first month of university to stay together
or for the first few weeks, although I really don't recommend that.
If you are already in a distance relationship before you go to university, this does not
apply to you, you guys already are used to it, the situation is really much more complicated
than this.
I am not speaking about your category.
Since my overall answer would be break up now I am going to say how to break up ok because
like this is where everyone gets it wrong.
Why do I say that you guys should break up?
Its because more than anything else, you should prioritise your friendship.
This is crucial.
So a lot of people who decide to break up they see it black and white, they are like,
either we stay together, and then it's going to be kind of painful but we love each other
so it's going to be fine, or we break up and it's going to be super sad and super horrible
and I am just going to cry and eat ice cream for the rest of my life.
No it doesn't have to be this way.
What I advise you to do when you break up is first of all be real with each other.
Tell me right now what's in your mind I'll be 100% transparent you be 100% transparent.
If you guys are too scared of saying what you really think then I advise you to like
write it down and then when you guys are both finished, you read it to each other.
Ok?
But you musn't blame the other person for being honest remember you want honesty.
Case scenario: my name is Bonnie and I am with my boyfriend Tommy.
Bonnie has just watched Francesca's youtube video, and although she was completely convinced
that she was in love with him and Tommy was in love with her, she still feels that something's
wrong and she wants to be completely 100% sure about what's going on.
So what does Bonnie does?
She decides to sit down, this is what she's going to say: Hey Tommy I just wanted to sit
down because this university thing is quite heavy on my chest and I think that we really
need to seriously talk about this.
I love you and I know you love me but it's because we love each other that I think we
should be 100% honest.
I want to give you and myself the opportunity to really express what really really really
deep down we feel and I want you to know that will not judge you I will not judge your answer
I will not be angry and I will not be sad, maybe I will be sad but it will be against
myself.
I won't hold anything you tell me against you.
I want you to be as transparent with yourself, like let's unbox these worries and I'll do
the same.
If you see that Tommy is very shaky and he doesn't know how to react, say "and I wanted
to do it under the form of writing so here is a pen, here is a piece of paper and I want
you to write down what you really feel about this university.
This is because I want our friendship to survive more than anything.
So you give him a piece of paper you take a piece of paper, you both write it and you
are just writing stuff like "I am really in love with you, I cant see myself with anyone
else in life, I just cant imagine myself with another guy, you are the one for me, I know
we are meant to be for each other..."
Although you said all those things to Tommy you are still expecting the same things from
him, like you are thinking, he's going to write the same thing, whether you accept that
thought or not you know that's what you want, you want to hear the same thing.
But then an horrible thing happens, you read Tommys letter and he says I am glad that you
bought this up because I don't know how to tell you, I don't know how to tell myself,
I don't know what to do.
I am confused, I am lost, I love you and I want to be with you but at the same time I
feel that University is a one time experience and I don't really know how to deal with this
like I want to stay with you but at the same time I feel that this is a period where I
should actually let go and like let lose and all that stuff.
I don't know how you will take this I don't want to hurt your feelings, you are everything
to me you are so important, but I really think this is important for me to actually do this.
And so that hits you right here right?
It's important when you read that, if you ever read that, I really hope you won't but
if you do, at least he is honest, you want honesty you want transparency, if there is
no transparency, if there is no communication in a couple, you will never be a couple anyway,
you will break up for something else.
If he does pour his soul out, it's very hard for a guy as well to admit these things, because
they don't want to hurt you.
You can decide then negotiations are open.
Either you decide to have one term off where you just do exactly what you want and if it's
too hard after one term you get back together, but not before, give yourselves at least 3
or 4 months where you fiddle around because the first few weeks maybe one of you will
say no I want to get back, no!
The rule is, one term and after the exams of january only after that you will decide
if you are going to be together or not, or at Christmas time whenever.
Or if you think, if Tommy is really like sorry, I really want to be single for a while now,
for a few years then you have to break up like you'll find another guy, he's not meant
for you.
You see I believe that there are signs that the Universe gives us, or that God gives us
whatever you are Christian, Buddhist, Muslim... whatever you are, there is a sign that whoever
you believe in is giving you and is saying, "I know that you love him right now, but I
am trying my best to tell you that he's not the one, I am trying to push you in the direction
of the guy who is made for you."
And it's up to you to be smart enough to kind of like distance yourself with reality and
think actually yeah I have to listen to this sign and whatever.
So if the guy really doesn't want to do this term in negociations hes like no I really
want a whole year to myself then that's it, he said what he wanted, it's sad and everything
but as long as you conserve friendship like of course like you need a bit of distance
after a break up, always distance yourself don't think that you can be bffs straight
away, you will need a few months, eventually he and you are going to reconnect together
and you are going to be friends.
Alright let's recap.
I was just editing this video and I realised that I mean I had so many ideas that I was
kind of all over the place.
And I think its very important to just like give you some clear answers because this is
a very important decision and quite big.
So we went through why university is important and why it's important to discover yourself,
right?
Then we said my general view of what I saw when people came to university they usually
break up and they usually break up in bad spirits since they saw other people flirting
with each other and whatever, because of that reason, they got angry with each other within
the couple and it ended up badly to the point where their friendship was deeply profoundly
hurt and destroyed and that is why I did put the emphasis in the video that friendship
is absolutely crucial here and that is the priority that you want to make.
You have lived some beautiful moments with your boyfriend and girlfriend and the last
thing you want is to end up hating each other like whats the point in that.
Which brings me to my answer: what should you do.
My general rule would be to break up but obviously that's easier said than done and I 100% get
that, that's why I did different cases and scenarios, but I realised by editing that
I was not that clear.
Number 1: the couple who is hesitant Number 2: the couple who is madly in love
Number 3: the couple who is in a distance relationship and really like each other
I am sorry but for that couple who is in a distance relationship prior to go to university
this video is not for you as that a very complicated situation, maybe Ill make a video about you
guys but it will have to be in another one.
Now I am going to focus on the first two.
So for the hesitant couple you sit down, you figure out if you are a hesitant couple or
not maybe you know it already maybe you don't.
Once you realise that one of the couple or both of you are hesitating about this whole
relationship thing in university, there are solutions:
A. you break up for good B. you decide to like stay together for a
month, see how it goes and the take it from there, I really do not recommend that because
jealousy takes the worst out of a person so if you do that there is a big risk that you
guys will break up in a really bad and vicious way, so that's why I would not do that, but
again it's your decision and the third way to do it which is what I
would do if I was in your shoes, it would be to say first term, we are not together,
we are entitled to do whatever we want and then in january or in december when you go
back for christmas that's when you guys really think what you've gone through, you talk about
it, you talk how you feel and you talk if you want, if you think it's a good idea to
keep doing it this way or to go back together, so that's up to you guys but I would definitely
take the first term off, if I was you.
So that is for the hesitant couple.
For the category of the loving couple: if you are really madly in love: so you've done
the test one of you guys has done the hesitant test with the other you realise that you are
both on the same page so you both are madly in love with each other and you cant see yourself
without anyone else: ok so what I would do in that situation, I would be like well if
you really feel that way that you are madly in love and you would not do anything with
anyone else then yea you should take that month to just see how you guys feel about
the other person being in another city, in another uni, see how it goes.
And don't play stupid games, just to start to make the other person jealous it's horrible.
Worst case scenario you take a break just say that I really love you but I feel that
this distance thing is too hard and we are going to end up hating each other so you can
decide after a month maybe we should just take a break and see how it goes you know.
The most important part is all this: whatever you guys decide, I think that the main message
I have here for you guys is that being respectful of each others feelings, these are the things
that are the most important because you have been going through some really good moments
with your boyfriend and girlfriend and it would be such a shame to throw that in the
bin just because you didnt know how to handle this crazy situation of moving away and obviously
if you do break up you will need a few months to just ok.
But eventually the friendship will be still there because you both respected each other
and you will always be grateful for what the other person brought to your life.
Try your best, I gave you a scenario just in case you need inspiration, do whatever
you want to do with this video, I hope it helped a bit and yeah so I am going to go
now because I've been talking for a long time omg this is going to be a 20min video, honestly
this is so bad, let me know if you have any questions.
Obviously there is a lot of opinions!
If you don't agree with me, it's 100% normal I am just trying to give you the best advice
that I can.
I'll always be there for you guys.
Thank you very much for watching, by guys!