you know it's pretty self-evident that
life is has got its rat's nest of
miseries and that's for sure maybe you
could even make a categorical statement
that life is mostly a rat's nest of
misery you know and you can make a
pretty powerful argument for that but
then there's a counter question which is
well what if you tried not to make it
any more miserable that had had to be
right then what then what would it be
like and my suspicions are is that a lot
of that misery I would suspect that most
that misery would go away because it's
the unnecessary misery that really
brings you down you know it's like well
someone has cancer it's like that sucks
but it's not like it's not like you can
say if only we had done this differently
then that wouldn't have happened but
when someone's out like torturing you in
a malevolent way or maybe you're doing
the same you can always ask yourself was
really it's this really necessary it's
just like an useless add-on to the
miseries of life that's what disheartens
people and so even in your own life if
if you if you aren't suffering from
self-imposed misery and you're only
suffering from an escapable misery maybe
you could handle that and you know you
could you could survive you could bear
it and even maybe without becoming
irredeemably corrupt so the goal would
be well yeah life is a rat's nest of
miseries and maybe it has no ultimate
meaning we could say that for feeling
particularly pessimistic but it still
leaves one question open which is if you
didn't do everything you could to make
it worse how good could you make it be
and the least answer is well it could be
tragedy but maybe not hell and I think
that's right I really believe that
that's that's the most pessimistic
proper statement the worst-case outcome
in the worst of all possible worlds is
that your life could be tragic but not
hell and that's blood better than hell
right it's it's and you think I could
give you an example of the difference
you're at your mother's deathbed
well that's tragedy here's another
scenario you're at your mother's
deathbed and all you you and all your
idiot siblings are arguing well that's
the difference between tragedy and
health and you might be able to tolerate
the first circumstance and maybe it
would even bring you closer together
with your
family members the second one no one can
bear that you walk away from a situation
like that sick you yourself and sick of
everything else too and you know it's
often the case that tragic circumstances
bring out the Dragons because the stress
is high and all those things that people
haven't dealt with they don't have the
energy to repress and and all the
bitterness comes pouring forward it's
like seriously man so that's actually a
good it's a rough lesson but it's a good
hallmark for figuring out whether or not
you're you've got yourself adjusted
properly and in relationship to your
siblings it's like if you are all
gathered around the bed of someone close
who is dying could you manage it if the
answer is no it's like well put your
life together
because it's going to happen and you
should be the person who's there that
can do it and do it properly and then
maybe you'd find that it isn't the sort
of thing that will undermine your faith
in life itself and I've seen I've seen
both of those situations you know ugly
ugly ugly situations you know
murderously ugly situations and then
their opposite where people have had
terrible things happening to happen to
them as a family and you know they pull
together and they rebuild their damn
ship and they sail away so that seems to
me to be a lot better I don't care what
sort of psychotherapists you are you're
always teaching them the same thing
you're the thing that can you not
you're not the plan you're the thing
that can confront the obstacle to the
plan and then when you know even further
that the obstacle is not only an
obstacle but opportunity itself well
then your whole view of the world can
change because you might think well I've
got this plan something came up to
object to it it's like it's possible
that the thing that's objecting has
something to teach you that will take
you to the place where you develop an
even better plan
that's a nice framework to use it's like
are you so sure that this is a problem
is that the only way that you can look
at it or is it an opportunity I mean I'm
not trying to be you know naively
optimistic there are some things that's
pretty hard to extract gold from some
Dragons and maybe the death of a family
member is a good example of that
but in even in a situation like that I
can tell you that it's an opportunity
for it's an opportunity
maturation that's for sure and the thing
is you might say well it's pretty
miserable to go to be digging for gold
when someone's falling into the grave
well if they really love you first of
all that's what they'll want you to do
and second you're gonna make their death
a lot more palatable experience for them
if you're someone who can be in the room
and be helpful instead of being you know
quivering in the corner and feeling that
the entire world is collapsing in on you
I mean that's another you want to be the
useful person at the funeral how's that
for a goal that's a good goal man you
know that you've got yourself together
in a situation like that because you're
gonna be at them and maybe you want to
be the person on whose shoulder people
cry that'd be a good goal that's kind of
you know I don't like being naively
optimistic so when I tell you to get
your life together I'm not going to say
roses and sunshine it's like that's
that's that's that's pablum for fools
but it really is something to be the
reliable person at a funeral right and
you can aim at that you can do that it
you got to be tough to do that because
it also means that you can sustain a
major loss without collapsing and that
you've got to be a monster to do that
right because you might think and I've
had clients like this while I love my
child I love my mother so much that I
couldn't survive if anything happened to
them it's like you have some serious
thinking to do about that it's like you
really want to curse someone with that
kind of love do you I couldn't live
without you it's like my god get away
from me really it's terrible that's the
eatable mother right that's like I'll
forgive you no matter what you do it's
like really you no matter what I do a
you are not my friend that's for sure
not at all it's a horrible thing to do
to someone that's that's the witch in
the Hansel and Gretel story all
gingerbread and outside to the lost kid
inside you feed them candy and make them
fat and eat them right that's Hansel and
Gretel
that's the eatable mother that's one of
Freud's major discoveries it gets a
major discovery it's like the devouring
force of love you want the person to be
able to stand on their own and the price
you pay for that is that you
you stand on your own it's like good to
have you around glad you're here but if
if tragedies win and if and when tragedy
strikes either of us I hope that one of
us is standing when it blows past and
and that there's a harshness about that
that's unbelievably cruel because you
know you say well if my mother died I
could live well what kind of monster are
you exactly
death of your mother doesn't do you in
well turns out that being a monster is
the right thing so and that's a rough
thing to learn but it's necessary to
learn you know because it also makes you
you know at some point for example as
you get older mm-hmm by the time you're
in your mid-20s something like that you
should start having a relationship with
your parents that's approximately one of
peers and you can tell if you have that
so here's a little trick you can use so
you have parents obviously they have
friends you probably care what your
parents think I would imagine do you
care what their friends think of you and
the answer to that is well not nearly as
much so then I would say well why do you
care what your parents think of you then
they're the same people you know what I
mean it's just luck of the draw that
your parents are someone else's kids
friends they don't think the same way
about them that you do that's where you
see that you have a projection right if
by the time you're 30 if what your
parents think of you matters more than
what say a random set of their friends
think of you then you've still got your
parents confused with with God that's
one way of looking at it you've still
got them confused with an archetype and
you're still a child and you might think
well it's pretty damn rude not to think
about what your parents think of you
anymore not to care it's like yeah it's
kind of rude but maybe you'll be useful
for them when they get old and that's a
much better form of caring it's like
you're going to be independent enough
and strong enough and and detached
enough so that when the taught when the
when the power dynamic shifts which it
will that you'll be the person that can
carry things forward well you can't do a
better thing for them than that right
that's the best of all possible outcomes
for your parents
that's another way of thinking about it
well that's the normal world with that's
the garden with the snake in it and
that's chaos that that's the chaos that
arises when your plans collapse right
that's the world in the underworld and
so the underworld is always there and
it's lurking beneath everything it's
like the figure of the shark in the jaws
poster right there you are swinging at
the top there's that terrible thing
underneath that can come up and pull you
down that's the world so you need to be
able to operate here and you need to be
able to operate here and when you
operate here well that's when you rescue
your father from the belly of the whale
that's when you go down you see when
you're down in chaos and you don't know
what the hell's going on you have to
rediscover the values that orient people
have oriented people forever that's what
you have to discover so for example when
I'm dealing with people have
post-traumatic stress disorder and
they've usually encountered someone
malevolent they have to relearn the
description of good and evil because if
they don't they too have no framework
they're lost they think well there's a
malevolence afoot in the world and I'm a
naive I'm a naive I'm a prey animal a
naive prey animal for the malevolence of
the world it's like well good luck
functioning under that set of
assumptions man you just do not recover
from that you stay at home in your
burrow that's what you do well you have
to you go down into that you think okay
well malevolence is afoot I better be
the sort of person that can understand
it and deal with it and that's another
reason why you have to transform
yourself into a monster that's the
Jungian incorporation of the shadow it's
no bloody joke because the only thing
that a monster won't mess with is
another monster and you might say well I
don't want to transform myself into a
monster it's like you don't have a
choice you can either be a pathetic
monster or you can be a monster with
some power those are your options
there's no non monster alternative weak
or strong and I don't mean strong like
dominating tyrant strength that isn't
what I mean at all
I mean strength like functioning at a
Funeral strength and that's a kind of
monstrosity and when you're down in
chaos that's what you have to rediscover
you