Hello I m Darren Magee and today s question has been asked many times following some
recent videos I have been making on abusive toxic relationships, and the question is,
How do I tell someone, someone I really care about, a family member or friend,
how do I tell them they could be being abused? and this is a very difficult question to answer. I
don't think there is a one size fits all. Remember there are different kinds of relationships,
and those relationships may be at different stages as well. You could have a couple of you have just
recently started dating. You could have a couple who are perhaps about to get
married or move in together. You could have a couple have been together for a long time.
Or you could be talking about perhaps their parents, their family of origin. So in this video
I'm just going to give you some ideas to consider how to breach what could be a very difficult
sensitive subject. So firstly whatever it is you do, you do it carefully and with compassion.
Now even if that person is being quite open about their experiences, the other person's behaviour,
it might be difficult for them to name it or to acknowledge the problem directly.
They may know that it's abuse but they're not in not in that place, not ready to admit it
to themselves. And I know the temptation can be to just tell them to leave. But someone who's
being abused is already being manipulated, coerced and bullied, even if it's subtly they are already
doubting themselves. They may know something isn't quite right, but it's difficult for them to see,
especially if it's someone they are deeply in love with and they are hoping that things are going
to get better. Because even with all the best will in the world, we can sometimes come across
as if we're being judgmental. You try to talk someone into doing something
that they feel uncomfortable with or they are not ready to do yet, someone in that position
may feel as if they are doing something wrong. There is something bad about them, which is often
what the abuser has led them to believe. They may even cut contact with you. Secondly, don't put
yourself in a dangerous or an awkward situation that might make things worse for you or for them.
For example, don't offer the talk to the abuser on their behalf. Don't openly call the abuser out
in front of that person. Don't do anything that would have that abusive person see you as a threat
to their relationship, because the abuser could well isolate that person even further from you.
So what can you do? Well, make yourself available to them. Listen to what they say, how they say it
whenever they're talking about their relationship. Ask them questions but don't push too hard
for them to go into any detail that they don't want to go into. You could be asking questions,
and there's probably better ways to phrase them than this, but you could be asking questions like,
Does that sound like reasonable behaviour to you? Or, Do you think they'd be okay if
you behaved like that with them? Or, Would you accept that kind of behaviour from anyone else?
Questions, questions if you will, to help them to step outside of themselves and to look at
from look at it from the outside. Questions like, What would you think was going on if I was to tell
you that those things were happening to me? What advice would you give me? And if they are telling
you about things that they're struggling with it, the difficult behaviours they re struggling with,
give some time to talk and try to understand, and remember leaving isn't always just an easy
option. There are so many things going on that we might not know about. There could be financial
things going on, there could be kids involved. So give them the space to talk however they want to
talk about it and acknowledge it takes courage to talk about things like that. Now if appropriate,
and only you can discern whether or not this is appropriate given the situation, maybe you could
just point out, Well, actually, that sounds like gaslighting. That sounds to me like manipulation.
It looks to me as if you fear their reaction. That really doesn't sound very fair,
do you really think you were in the wrong there? You could point out things that you've noticed.
Try to encourage a conversation. Things like, I've noticed we don't see much of you anymore.
When we do see you don't stay long or you're always checking your phone or having to answer
your phone. You could be saying things like, You seem quiet, you seem withdrawn. Is everything OK?
You're not necessarily accusing anybody of anything when you point out something you've
noticed and your concern around it. And unless openly asked for, try to avoid things like,
Here's what I would do if I were you, or, Here's what you need to do . And be patient with them.
The first time, maybe the second or the third, they may still be reluctant to talk to you or
to listen to your concerns, but the more they see your openness, the more they see your kindness and
your concern, remember, we can be both gentle on stern at the same time, but the more they see that
you're not being too intrusive, too judgmental the safer they'll begin to feel to open up to you.
And if and when they do open up, start telling you everything still allow them to make their
own decisions. Remember they might not be ready to leave or to end the relationship just yet.
Let them know that you care, be what they need, not necessarily what you think
they need. And as bad as things may be for them, as you, from the outside,
you can see things may be really bad for them, remember, and this is what I mean about kindness,
as frightened and as confused as they may be their heart is probably breaking right in front of you
in ways you cannot see. Remind them that they're not alone. You're there for them. Other people are
there for them. Many people have been in or are in the same situation. Acknowledge how difficult,
maybe even frightening the situation can be, but remind them that there is help and support
available. Maybe suggest a counselling service, support services for victims of domestic abuse.
If they do need further support, they want to available service like that.
If they feel uncomfortable with it, perhaps offer to go with them just for a little bit
of moral support. So they re just a few ideas to consider. How to bring up that topic, how to
tell someone that you care about that, you worry about that they may be in an abusive relationship.
It is a difficult topic to cover, as I'm sure you can imagine. There's never a one size fits
all kind of answer. We, we are all indeed different. But there are different services,
out there domestic abuse services like there they a lot of them have information on ways to support
friends and family members who are in or are coming out of abusive relationships. I'll put a
few links to the organisations in the description of this video if you find them helpful. But if you
find this video with helpful or interesting, please consider subscribing to my channel for
future updates or mental health related topics and until next time, thanks for watching.