>> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME ROGJT OVER THERE PANNING
IN THE RIVER OF NEWS FOR THE BIGGEST, SHINIEST GOLDEN NEWS
NUGGETS TO PUT IN MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO STRAP TOGETHER A BUNCH OF STOLEN
COMPUTERS, THROW THEM IN A BASEMENT WITH AN ILLEGAL HOOKUP
TO THE MUNICIPAL POWER SOURCE, AND MINE FOR BITCOIN, WHICH I
USE TO FORM THE BLACK MARKET FIAT CURRENCY OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S IT.
NAILED THE LANDING.
MEANWHILE, THE REALITY SHOW "THE BACHELOR" IS GETTING A
MUSICAL SPIN-OFF SERIES, WHICH THEY DESCRIBE AS A MIX BETWEEN
"THE BACHELOR" AND "A STAR IS BORN."
REALLY?
"A STAR IS BORN?" HAVE YOU SEEN THAT FILM?
THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY IS GOING TO BE VERY DARK.
MEANWHILE-- >> Jon: SPOILER ALERT.
>> Stephen: IT WASN'T MY METAPHOR.
MEANWHILE, A NEW SHOW CALLED "MURDER HOUSE FLIP" FIXES
UP HOMES WHERE MURDERS HAVE HAPPENED.
I'M ALL IN.
I'LL WATCH ANYTHING WITH "MURDER HOUSE" IN THE TITLE.
MY FAVORITE SHOW IS "MURDER, SHE HOUSED."
NOW, FOLKS, IF "MURDER HOUSE" SOUNDS LIKE THE KIND OF THING A
COMEDY WRITER WHO WATCHES TOO MUCH HGTV WOULD COME UP WITH AS
A JOKE, THAT MIGHT BE BECAUSE SIX YEARS
AGO, MY EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, TOM PURCELL-- WHO WATCHES WAY
TOO MUCH HGTV-- THOUGHT OF IT WHILE TRYING TO IMAGINE THE
WORST HOME RENOVATION SHOW HE COULD.
IT BECAME SUCH A JOKE AROUND THE OFFICE-- AND THIS IS ABSOLUTELY
TRUE-- THAT FOR CHRISTMAS, SOME STAFFERS HAD A "MURDER HOUSE"
FLEECE MADE FOR HIM AS IF IT WERE A REAL SHOW.
NOW, TOM, CAN YOU BELIEVE "MURDER HOUSE" IS NOW A REAL
THING?
>> I'M AFRAID I CAN, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: NOW, THAT THING YOU'RE WEARING, IS THAT THE
FLEECE?
>> YES, IT IS.
>> Stephen: SO, WHERE DID YOU FIRST GET THE IDEA FOR
"MURDER HOUSE?" >> WELL, ONE DAY I URGENTLY HAD
TO RENOVATE MY HOUSE, AND IT JUST CAME TO ME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WAS THERE A REASON YOUR HOUSE URGENTLY NEEDED A
SUDDEN RENOVATION?
>> YES, THERE WAS.
( LAUGHTER )
WENT VIRAL THIS WEEK OF A CUTTLEFISH IN A STUDY AT THE
UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA THAT HAS BEEN FITTED WITH 3D GLASSES.
FINALLY!
CUTTLEFISH WILL BE ABLE TO ENJOY "HOBBS & SHAW" THE WAY IT WAS
MEANT TO BE SEEN.
THE SCIENTISTS SHOWED THE CUTTLEFISH ANIMATED 3D SHRIMP,
AND THE FISH ATTACKED THEM THE SAME WAY THEY WOULD REAL ONES.
THE RESULTS WILL BE PUBLISHED IN THE PRESTIGIOUS "NEW ENGLAND
JOURNAL OF PUNKING CEPHALAPODS."
( LAUGHTER )
ELECTRONICS SHOW IS STILL GOING ON IN LAS VEGAS WHERE CHARMIN,
OF ALL BRANDS, UNVEILED SOME NEW TECH, SOMETHING CALLED
"V.I.PEE," A PREMIUM PORTA POTTY EXPERIENCE, ENHANCED WITH AN
OCULUS RIFT VIRTUAL-REALITY HEADSET.
BECAUSE THAT'S EVERYONE'S FIRST THOUGHT WHENEVER I ENTER A PORTA
POTTY: "HOW CAN I SPEND MORE TIME IN HERE?"
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE GREAT LAURA DERN.