- Anxious energy and fear
can sabotage two things in our love life.
Number one, our willingness to even go on a date
in the first place,
and number two, and often even worse,
if you do agree to go on a date,
your ability to be yourself, your ability
to let the other person know who you really are.
And so today, I'm gonna share with you three things
that you can do to feel calm and confident
when you're on that date.
Check it out.
(gentle music)
Hey there, my name is Mat Boggs,
and I'm the founder of the Love and Relationships Division
here at the Brave Thinking Institute,
where our mission is empowering people
to create and live a life they love,
and that includes your love life.
So if you like this video,
I encourage you to click that Subscribe button
and click that little bell,
because every week, we bring you videos to empower you
in your love life.
And today, we're talking about techniques
that can calm your energy if you're feeling anxious,
if you're feeling fear around going on dates.
And I have the privilege of working
with a whole spectrum of women
helping them manifest their man,
and there's generally two camps that people fall into.
One camp is the person who's been on 1,001 dates,
and they're not getting anxious or nervous,
because they just date so much,
and their big challenge is
how do they change the pattern
of the kind of guy that they're dating?
But there's a whole other category of woman and person who,
they haven't dated in years,
or they've just gone on a handful of dates
and just the dating process makes them so nervous.
And so let's unpack what is it
that's causing the nerves in the first place?
Because if we can identify that,
then we can begin to dial down the thoughts and the ideas
that are causing the nervousness,
and dial up a perspective
that can put you in a state of calm confidence.
Most of the time, when you look at what causes the nerves,
it is because the stakes are super high on the date,
as you finally find someone that you're attracted to,
and so the whole idea here is, don't screw this up.
You're like, "If this could be the one,
"this could be my man,
"and so I'm so nervous on this date,
"because if I say the wrong thing,
"if I wear the wrong thing, if I walk the wrong way,
"or if I do something dumb,
"it's gonna sabotage the whole date
"and I could miss out on the love of my life."
Holy moly, anyone would feel freaked out.
Anyone would feel anxious
if the idea was if I say the wrong thing,
I could miss out on the love of my life.
That's like walking a tight rope 100 feet above the ground
and every step has to be perfect,
'cause one slip, and boom, you're dead.
Or at least your love life is dead.
And so the way through this is to re-pattern those thoughts.
And so the first step is to realize
you can't think yourself out of anxious energy,
but you can breathe yourself into calm energy.
I'm gonna teach you a breathing technique right now,
we call this the Brave Thinking Breath,
'cause it shifts you out of the sympathetic
into the parasympathetic,
rest, digest, and create,
instead of fight or flight.
So when we're feeling anxious,
our adrenals are firing, we're in fight or flight,
this breath can really shift you.
And so you take a nice deep breath in through the nose,
(Mat inhaling)
and then exhale through your mouth,
(Mat exhaling)
as if you're exhaling through a straw.
Another one, join me with this, breathe in,
(Mat inhaling)
exhale,
(Mat exhaling)
through the straw.
One more, breathe in,
(Mat inhaling)
exhale through a straw.
(Mat exhaling)
And if you join me in that, you'll notice that already,
you're beginning to feel more calm.
Your energy is beginning to shift out of fear
and into more calm.
And so now that you've got a calm practice,
let's shift into the confident practice.
How do you elicit calm confidence on this date?
And so step number one is to shift the frame
or the perception that you're bringing to the date.
See, most people, when they go on a date,
their goal is to get the other person to like them.
And the reason there's so much fear and anxiety
is because you're trying to control something
you have no control over.
You can't control whether this person likes you or not
or chooses you back,
all you can control is who you are
and you're being-ness on this date.
So the frame shift is,
your goal is not to get them to like you,
no, no, no, no, no.
Your goal is to have fun, be yourself,
and assess whether or not you are interested in this person.
Your goal is to get to know them,
and you can control that,
you can control being interested in them,
asking questions to them,
and how much fun you have on this date.
And so that's the first frame shift.
Your goal is not to get them to like you,
your goal is to find out
whether or not you're interested in them,
and just to have fun on this date.
The second reason we often have anxiety
is 'cause we're trying to discern
on a first date or a second date, is this the one?
Take that pressure off your shoulders.
Your job is not to find out if this is the person
you wanna spend the rest of your life with.
Your job is simply to find out,
is this the person you wanna go on one more date with?
You dial down the stakes,
you're not trying to find out if this is your man for life,
is this your man for the next date?
That's all you need to determine, because guess what?
One date leads to another, leads to another,
you slowly discover each other
and you slowly discover
if this is gonna be your person or not.
And the third mentality I love,
and it's true, and it's this,
it is hard to screw up the right thing.
So you go into this date knowing,
it's hard to screw up the right thing.
In other words, you're not walking a tightrope
with one misstep means you lose the love of your life,
no, if he doesn't like you because of something you said
or something you wore or whatever,
then by definition, he's not your man,
'cause your man, the one that's falling in love with you,
the one that wants to spend his life life with you,
he's gonna adore you.
He's gonna appreciate all the little idiosyncrasies
about your personality.
He's gonna adore and admire the quirkiness in you.
He's gonna be like, "Thank God there's a woman like you!
"Thank God you are out there, I've been waiting for you,
"I love this!"
Like, he's gonna be so fired up because he has met you.
That is your man.
If someone doesn't like you because of who you are,
what you value, some little thing that you do,
by definition, that wasn't your man, let him go,
scare off the wrong man to make room for the right man.
And here's what's great,
when you put on those three mentalities,
and you use that Brave Thinking Breath to calm yourself,
you will go into dates in a whole different state.
You will dial down the anxiousness,
you will dial up that calm confidence,
and if you would love something to support you
to remind you of this,
I'm gonna link, in the description below,
a free meditation.
I recorded this just for you,
it is a first date meditation that you can listen to
that will release any of the high-stakes thoughts
that will put you in the sense of calm, ease, confidence,
so that you can bring your best self to that date
and you can determine whether or not this guy
is the kinda guy that you are interested in.
So go ahead and click that link, download that gift,
it's a gift from my heart to yours,
I hope it serves you.
And I would love to hear from you.
What are the strategies you have found
really help you enter that calm, confident state
as you're headed into a date?
I would love to see those strategies.
Post those in the comment section below.
Here is to your amazing love life.
I appreciate you, thanks for watching,
and I'll see you soon.
(gentle music)