>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
MY NEXT GUEST HOSTED EGYPT'S FIRST POLITICAL SATIRE SHOW
UNTIL THE GOVERNMENT DECIDED IT WOULD BE EGYPT'S LAST POLITICAL
SATIRE SHOW.
PLEASE WELCOME BASSEM YOUSSEF!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU
AGAIN.
>> OH, MY GOD.
I'M SO HAPPY.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE?
>> YEAH, I'M NOT DEPORTED YET.
IT'S AMAZING.
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
GOOD LUCK.
LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, DOCTOR, YOU SAID AMERICA-- THIS WAS IN
JULY-- YOU SAID, "AMERICA HAD THE HEALTHY BODY OF DEMOCRACY
WITH A LARGE ORANGE MOLE ON ITS ASS."
( LAUGHTER ).
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE A FORMER DOCTOR.
WHAT IS YOUR PROGNOSIS NOW?
>> HERE'S MY PROFESSIONAL OPINION, STEPHEN.
AND BELIEVE ME, PEOPLE SHOULD STOP TRYING TO DIAGNOSE THE
MOLE.
BECAUSE NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THE MOLE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT COULD BE A BENIGN MOLE, A
MALIGNANT MOLE, A RUSSIAN MOLE.
IT COULD BE ANY KIND OF MOLE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I THINK WE JUST HAVE TO
FOCUS ON JUST GETTING RID OF THE MOLE.
AND BECAUSE NOBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT--
YOU'VE GOT A COUPLE OF PROJECTS OUT.
ONE IS YOU'VE GOT A BOOK CALLED "REVOLUTION FOR DUMMIES."
>> YES.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THIS BOOK IS OUT NEXT WEEK?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: NEXT TUESDAY?
OKAY.
YOU SAY "YOU CAN USE TRUMP AS A WAY TO EXPLAIN DICTATORS TO US."
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHERE DOES TRUMP FALL ON THE DICTATOR SCALE
BECAUSE HE'S NOT A DICTATOR.
WHAT ARE THINGS ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOR THAT SEEM RESONANT TO
YOU.
>> FIRST OF ALL, IF HE WOULD RUN IN THE MIDDLE EAST, HE WOULD BE
CONSIDERED A LIBERAL HIPPIE TREE HUGGER.
HE WOULD BE GRABBING BUSH EVERY DAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU MEAN TREE, A SMALL TREE.
>> LIKE SMALL TREINGS.
>> Stephen: SMALL TREE, EXACTLY.
>> AND I THINK THERE IS A LOT THAT WE CAN OFFER TO TRUMP TO
LEARN.
I THINK HE'S LEARNING FAST.
HE JUST -- >> Stephen: MIDDLE EASTERN
DICTATORS COULD OFFER A LOT TO TRUMP TO LEARN HOW TO DICTATE.
>> TO TUNE-- LIKE FINE TUNE HIS TYRANNY.
AND THE BOOK IT'S THING IS ABOUT THE BOOK, IT KIND OF, LIKE, YOU
CAN USE IT FOR PEOPLE AS A WARNING OF WHAT CAN HAPPEN IN
FYOU BRAINWASH THE MASSES.
FOR TRUMP IT COULD BE A GUIDE.
SO YOU NEED TO BUY IT BEFORE HIM.
AND "SOLUTIONS FOR DUMMIES" WHICH TRUMP WOULD DEFINITELY
BUY.
>> Stephen: I HAVE JUST LEARNED THE EGYPTIAN PROSECUTOR
HAS ORDERED THE RELEASE OF HOSNI MUBARAK.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN IN JAIL?
>> HE WAS NEVER IN JAIL.
HE WAS IN A HOSPITAL ROOM FOR FOUR YIERS.
WHICH ALSO PROVES THE MIDDLE EAST IS THE BEST PLACE FOR
DICTATOR TO RETIRE.
YOU CAN KILL, YOU CAN TORTURE, YOU CAN BE CORRUPT, YOU CAN
OPPRESS PEOPLE, AND STILL YOU'RE GOING TO BE OFF THE HOOK.
WHICH IS WHY WE SHOULD INVITE TRUMP TO GO THERE.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THEY WOULD APPRECIATE HIM IN WAYS THAT WE
DON'T?
>> AND YOU WOULD APPRECIATE THAT HE'S GONE.
SO IT WOULD BE GREAT TO HAVE HIM.
>> Stephen: NOW, WE HAVE THIS SEGMENT WE DO ON THE SHOW HERE.
IT'S CALLED "BIG FURRY HAT."
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND WHERE I GO UP THERE AND I MAKE DECLARATIONS TO
THE PEOPLE.
YOU NOTICED THAT-- WAS IT MUBARAK OR MORSI.
>> MORSI.
>> Stephen: MORSI WORE A BIG HAT.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND YOU MOCKED HIM--
>> 2013.
>> Stephen: ON YOUR SHOW BY WEARING A BIG, STUPID HAT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HOW DID THAT TURN OUT FOR
YOU?
>> OH, I-- I WAS-- THERE WAS A WARRANT FOR MY ARREST.
I WENT THERE -- >> Stephen: AFTER THIS.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
I WAS-- I WAS INTERROGATED FOR SIX HOURS.
IT WAS FUNNY BECAUSE THE GUY WHO WAS INTERROGATING ME AND THE
LAWYERS IN THE ROOM WERE LAUGHING AT THE JOKES, BECAUSE
HE WAS INTERROGATING ME ABOUT THINGS I SAID IN THE SHOW.
AND WHAT WAS FUNNY IS THAT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE-- OF THE
INTERROGATION, HE SAID, "WE HAVE SOME CDs FOR YOU, YOUR
EPISODE, SO WE CAN REVIEW IT."
AND THEY TRIED FOR 15 MINUTES TO PLAY IT ON THIS OUTDATED WINDOWS
95 COMPUTER.
AND I TRIED TO HELP THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE IT WAS TAKING TOO LONG.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
>> SO I WAS ACTUALLY HELPING THEM TO PLAY THE EVIDENCE
AGAINST ME, WHICH IS CRAZY.
BUT THAT IS, LIKE, THAT'S LIKE ONLY ONE OF THE FEW THINGS THAT
HAPPENED TO ME.
I WAS ACCUSED OF INSULTING THE PRESIDENT, INSULTING ISLAM,
SPREADING FALSE RUMORS.
LATER UNDER THE CURRENT REGIME I WAS INSULTED OF-- ACCUSED OF
INSULTING THE ARMY, BEING A SECRET OPERATIVE.
BUT THE CRAZIEST ACCUSATION I EVER HAD WAS THEY ACCUSED ME OF
BEING RECRUITED BY THE C.I.A.
THROUGH JON STEWART.
>> Stephen: THEY SAID THAT JON STEWART--
>> WAS A RECRUIT GR WHO RECRUITED YOU TO WORK FOR THE
C.I.A.
>> TO BRING DOWN THE COUNTRY THROUGH SATIRE.
>> Stephen: AND YOU AND I BOTH KNOW-- YOU AND I BOTH KNOW,
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
>> OF COURSE.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN I'M PROBABLY AN AGENT, TOO,
BECAUSE I'VE KNOWN JON LONGER THAN YOU HAVE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND THE IDEA THAT JON IS RECRUITING US IS A
TERRIBLE IDEA.
>> DO YOU THINK HE'S ACTUALLY IN AN "ANIMAL FARM?"
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I LOVE.
MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU BEING ARRESTED-- IF YOU'LL
PARDON ME HAVING A FAVORITE THING.
>> PLEASE GR I'.
>> Stephen: I'M A HEWN FAN OF YOU BEING ARRESTED.
WHEN YOU WERE ARRESTED YOU TURNED YOURSELF IN, AND A CROWD
OF PEOPLE WENT WITH YOU AND THIS IS, AGAIN, AFTER YOU WORE THIS
HAT, MOCKING THE PRESIDENT.
YOU WERE ARRESTED AND YOU SHOWED UP...
( LAUGHTER ) WEARING THE HAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S THE REAL DEAL.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A COMEDIAN.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU, STEPHEN, BECAUSE I AM THE THIRD
MIDDLE EASTERN IN ONLY TWO WEEKS TO BE HOSTED ON THIS SHOW.
AND I JUST WANT TO ASK YOU, ARE YOU TURNING US IN?
( LAUGHTER ) IS THERE SOME SECRET LOBOTOMY
OPERATIONS HAPPENING INSIDE?
IS IN THE MIDDLE EASTERN VERSION OF "GET OUT?"
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: NO, AND I'M DEFINITELY NOT RECRUITING YOU
FOR THE C.I.A.
>> DEFINITELY!
DEFINITELY!
>> Stephen: BASSEM, LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
HIS BOOK, "REVOLUTION FOR DUMMIES," AND HIS DOCUMENTARY,
"TICKLING GIANTS," ARE OUT TUESDAY.
BASSEM YOUSSEF, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JUDY GOLD.