WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
YOU KNOW, IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE YOU COULD BE THIS SHOCKED EVERY
DAY BY THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.
I MEAN, FRESHLY SHOCKED.
>> Jon: EVERY SICKLE DAY.
>> Stephen: I THINK IT'S BECAUSE EVERY DAY THEY ATTACH
THE ELECTRODES TO A DIFFERENT PART OF US.
( LAUGHTER ) AND LET'S JUST SAY THAT TODAY,
THEY HAD TO SHAVE US FIRST.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST TO GET CONTACT.
>> Jon: MMM...
>> Stephen: BECAUSE AMERICANS OF EVERY POLITICAL STRIPES HAVE
BEEN HORRIFIED BY TRUMP'S HELSINKI
HELL SUCKING, WHERE PUTIN WAS PLAYING CHESS, AND TRUMP WAS
EATING HIS OWN CHECKERS.
( LAUGHTER ) CHOKING HAZARD.
SHOULDN'T GIVE THEM TO HIM.
AND EVERYONE AROUND TRUMP HAVE SPENT THIS ENTIRE WEEK TRYING TO
PUT DISTANCE BETWEEN TRUMP AND PUTIN.
SO THIS WHOLE SORDID THING CAN BE BEHIND US AND THE
ADMINISTRATION CAN GO BACK TO THE PEOPLE'S BUSINESS OF CAGING
TODDLERS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, TODAY, DONALD TRUMP TWEETED
THIS: "THE SUMMIT WITH RUSSIA WAS A
GREAT SUCCESS, EXCEPT WITH THE REAL ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE, THE
FAKE NEWS MEDIA.
I LOOK FORWARD TO OUR SECOND MEETING--"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS COFFEE
CUP CAME FROM.
SECOND MEETING!
SECOND MEETING, BECAUSE THE FIRST ONE WENT SO WELL?
IT'S JUST LIKE THE EXCITING SEQUEL COMING OUT THIS SUMMER:
"TITANIC II, HERE WE GO AGAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) "THIS TIME IT ENDS WELL."
( PIANO RIFF ) BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S KIND OF
VAGUE.
SECOND MEETING, COULD HAPPEN,5!l WHERE WOULD HE EVEN MEET WITH A
UNIVERSALLY CONDEMNED, WAR CRIMINAL STRONG MAN, WHO
PERSONALLY ORDERED THE ATTACK ON OUR ELECTION?
>> SARAH SANDERS TWEETED JUST A FEW MOMENTS AGO-- SAYING THE
PRESIDENT ASKED HIS NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER JOHN BOLTON TO
INVITE VLADIMIR PUTIN TO WASHINGTON THIS FALL.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WOW...
>> STEPHEN: WHERE DOES THIS MUG KEEP COMING FROM?
I'M SORRY.
ARE YOU OKAY?
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE'S INVITING HIM TO WASHINGTON!
NOTHING COULD HAVE GONE WORSE THAN YOUR MEETING IN HELSINKI.
IT EMBARRASSED OUR COUNTRY.
IT ENRAGED OUR ALLIES.
IT STRONGLY REINFORCED THE IDEA THAT PUTIN'S GOT SOMETHING ON
YOU.
AND IT'S THE FIRST TIME YOUR PARTY TURNED ON YOU EVEN A
LITTLE.
SO, LET'S COLLUDE IT AGAIN LIKE WE DID LAST SUMMER.
(AS TRUMP) "THANKS, GUYS, FOR CLEANING ALL
THE POOP OFF ME.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M GOING TO MAKE A SNOWMAN OUT OF
TURDS."
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THIS MEETING IS GONNA BE A TOUGH
ONE FOR DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND STATLER BEING
INFORMED OF WALDORF'S DEMISE DAN COATS.
AS YOU MAY REMEMBER, TRUMP THREW COATS AND HIS INTELLIGENCE
AGENCIES UNDER THE BUS TO SIDE WITH PUTIN IN HELSINKI, SO IT'S
HARD TO IMAGINE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN HE HEARD ABOUT THIS.
LUCKILY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO IMAGINE IT, BECAUSE HE WAS
GIVING A LIVE INTERVIEW WHEN IT BROKE.
>> WE HAVE SOME BREAKING NEWS.
THE WHITE HOUSE HAS ANNOUNCED ON TWITTER THAT VLADIMIR PUTIN WILL
BE COMING TO THE WHITE HOUSE IN THE FALL.
>> SAY THAT AGAIN?
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: DAN, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO BORROW MY MUG?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I GET HIS REACTION.
( CHEERING ) I UNDERSTAND -- WELL -- WELL --
BLUB-BLUB -- I UNDERSTAND HIS REACTION,
BECAUSE IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE.
CAN WE CHECK WITH SOMEONE?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT HIM WALKING THIS BACK TOMORROW.
(AS TRUMP) "I'VE REVIEWED THE TRANSCRIPT
AND I NEED TO MAKE A CLARIFICATION.
I SAID I'M INVITING VLADIMIR PUTIN TO WASHINGTON.
I MEANT TO SAY, I'M INVITING VLADIMIR PUTIN'T TO
WASHINGDON'T."
( LAUGHTER ) MR. PRESIDENT, THEY JUST GOT YOU
-- NOW, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU JUST FOUND THE STRENGTH TO ADMIT THAT
PUTIN IS PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR
ATTACKING OUR ELECTION.
SO LET'S INVITE HIM TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
(AS TRUMP) "I WANT PUTIN FOR SUSHI DINNER,
COSBY FOR THE SLUMBER PARTY, HARVEY WEINSTEIN FOR MOVIE
NIGHT, AND SECURITY WILL BE HANDLED BY MS-13.
MAKE IT HAPPEN."
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S HOW DISASTROUS THAT FIRST
SUMMIT WAS-- WE DON'T EVEN KNOW THE BAD PARTS YET.
BECAUSE REMEMBER THE TWO HOURS WHERE THEY WERE ALONE WITH JUST
THEIR TRANSLATORS?
WE MAY NEVER KNOW WHAT THEY SAID.
BUT THEY SAID SOMETHING, BECAUSE TUESDAY, RUSSIA'S EMBASSY
TWEETED, "THE RUSSIAN DEFENSE MINISTRY ARE READY FOR THE
PRACTICAL IMPLEMENTATION OF AGREEMENTS REACHED IN HELSINKI
BETWEEN VLADIMIR PUTIN AND DONALD TRUMP."
WHAT AGREEMENTS?
(AS TRUMP) "OKAY, VLAD, YOU GIVE ME YOUR
CAPRI SUN, YOUR LUNCHABLES, AND TWO OF YOUR OREOS, AND I'LL
GIVE YOU ALASKA AND ERIC."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IS IT A DEAL?
IS IT A -- IS IT A -- A -- A -- ( PIANO RIFF )
NOW, THERE IS ONE POSSIBLE DEAL WE DO KNOW ABOUT, BECAUSE IN THE
PRESS CONFERENCE HE MENTIONED AN OFFER PUTIN MADE ABOUT THE
TWELVE RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE OFFICERS ROBERT MUELLER INDICTED
FOR ELECTION INTERFERENCE.
>> WHAT HE DID IS AN INCREDIBLE OFFER.
HE OFFERED TO HAVE THE PEOPLE WORKING ON THE CASE COME AND
WORK WITH THEIR INVESTIGATORS WITH RESPECT TO THE 12
PEOPLE.
I THINK THAT'S AN INCREDIBLE OFFER.
OKAY?
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "HE GAVE ME AN INCREDIBLE DEAL,
HE SAID HE NEVER DOES THIS AND HIS MANAGER'S GOING TO BE REALLY
PISSED AT HIM, BUT HE THREW IN POWER STEERING, AN AM/FM RADIO,
AND HE PROMISES TO MAKE EUROPE GO AWAY."
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S THE ACTUAL DEAL: PUTIN
SAYS RUSSIANS WOULD INTERROGATE THE RUSSIANS, AND MUELLER COULD
WATCH.
BUT, IN EXCHANGE, RUSSIANS WOULD THEN ALSO GET TO INTERROGATE
SOME AMERICANS THEY DON'T LIKE.
SPECIFICALLY, OBAMA'S AMBASSADOR TO MOSCOW, MICHAEL MCFAUL, A
NEMESIS OF THE KREMLIN BECAUSE OF HIS CRITICISMS OF RUSSIA'S
HUMAN RIGHTS RECORD.
THAT IDEA IS RIDICULOUS... SO, THEY'RE THINKING ABOUT IT.
>> RUSSIAN AUTHORITIES YESTERDAY NAMED SEVERAL AMERICANS WHOM
THEY WANT TO QUESTION, INCLUDING FORMER AMBASSADOR TO RUSSIA
MICHAEL MCFAUL.
DOES THE PRESIDENT SUPPORT THAT IDEA?
IS HE OPEN TO HAVING U.S.
OFFICIALS QUESTIONED BY RUSSIA?
>> THE PRESIDENT WILL MEET WITH HIS TEAM AND WE WILL LET YOU
KNOW WHEN WE HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT ON THAT.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, THE STATE DEPARTMENT, WHAT'S THE
WORD, WENT APE ( BLEEP ) -- IS THAT THE WORD?
IS THAT THE WORD?
IT'S TWO WORDS.
>> Jon: PUT THEM TOGETHER.
ONE CURRENT U.S. DIPLOMAT SAID, "THE PRESIDENT HAS FIRST AND
FOREMOST HIS INTERESTS AT THE TOP OF HIS MIND, AS OPPOSED
TO THE GOVERNMENT'S.
THAT'S VERY CLEAR, BETWEEN (BLEEP) ON OUR NATO ALLIES AND
KISSING PUTIN'S ASS.
EITHER HE'S COMPROMISED BY PUTIN OR HE'S A PUSSY, IN WHICH CASE
HE SHOULD GRAB HIMSELF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: OW, OW, OW!
WHOO!
>> Stephen: AND THAT'S FROM A DIPLOMAT --
( LAUGHTER ) -- SO
BY DEFINITION, IT'S THE MOST DIPLOMATIC WAY TO PUT IT.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST DIPLOMATS WHO ARE SHOCKED.
LET'S SEE THE FULL RANGE OF REVIEWS OF THIS OFFER:
>> I THINK IT'S A BAD IDEA.
>> ABSOLUTELY ABSURD.
>> THAT WOULD BE LIKE A VICTIM ALLOWING THE BURGLAR TO SET
UP THE HOME SECURITY SYSTEM.
>> TO EVEN ENTERTAIN THIS SHOWS TO ME HOW NAIVE THEY ARE.
>> I THINK THAT'S AN INCREDIBLE OFFER.
AN INTERESTING IDEA.
>> STEPHEN: EARLIER TODAY, THE WHITE HOUSE FINALLY CAME
OUT STRONGLY AGAINST...
THEMSELVES.
SARAH HUCKABEE-SANDERS TOLD A REPORTER THAT "IT IS A PROPOSAL
THAT WAS MADE IN SINCERITY BY PRESIDENT PUTIN, BUT PRESIDENT
TRUMP DISAGREES WITH IT."
YEAH, TRUMP DISAGREES, BUT HE WAS IMPRESSED THAT IT WAS A
PROPOSAL MADE IN SINCERITY.
DONALD TRUMP IS NOT USED TO SINCERE PROPOSALS.
(AS TRUMP) "WILL YOU MARRY ME?
YOU WILL?
DAMN IT.
OKAY.
I'LL GO TELL MY WIFE."
( LAUGHTER ) SO WE KNOW TRUMP IS IN PUTIN'S
POCKET.
THE QUESTION REMAINS: WHY?
THERE'S ONLY TWO POSSIBLE ANSWERS.
EITHER PUTIN HAS SOMETHING ON HIM, OR HE'S AN IDIOT.
AND THERE'S PLENTY OF PROOF ON BOTH SIDES.
( LAUGHTER ) HE DOES EVERYTHING PUTIN ASKS
FOR, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, HE CAN'T SPELL, HE CONFUSED H.I.V.
WITH H.P.V., HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE FOUGHT THE
CIVIL WAR, AND JUST LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF HIM PLAYING IN A BIG
TRUCK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT WHETHER HE KNOWS IT OR NOT, WHAT'S CLEAR IS THAT TRUMP
CANNOT STOP COZYING UP TO PUTIN.
THAT'S WHY, TODAY, I'M HOLDING AN INTERVENTION.
MR. PRESIDENT, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
I'VE WRITTEN MY THOUGHTS DOWN BECAUSE THIS IS SO EMOTIONAL.
( LAUGHTER ) SIR, YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE WE LOVE
OUR COUNTRY VERY MUCH, AND YOU ARE -- IN IT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE NEED YOU TO HEAR SOME
THINGS.
WHEN YOU ATTACK NATO, I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING ATTACKED.
AND YOUR FRIEND VLADIMIR?
HE'S NOT REALLY YOUR FRIEND.
OKAY?
YOU'RE DOING WHAT HE WANTS BECAUSE YOU THINK IT'S FUN, BUT
WHAT YOU DON'T REALIZE IS, IF YOU EVER STEP OUT OF LINE, HE'S
GOING TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT YOU'RE A BIG DIRTY CLOWN WHO
LOVES THE PEEPEE.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, INSTEAD OF SUCKING UP TO
DICTATORS, WE WANT YOU TO FIND A SAFER HOBBY.
LIKE VOLCANO PARKOUR, OR SHARK DENTISTRY.çóxD
OR HEROIN.xD ( LAUGHTER )
AND WE'VE GOT A FACILITY WAITING FOR YOU.
YOU CAN GO THERE ANY TIME AND WE'LL PAY FOR IT.
PAUL MANAFORT'S ALREADY THERE.