-Our next guest is the host of the Colum Tyrrell Podcast
available on YouTube.
Making his television debut,
please welcome the very funny Colum Tyrrell.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Hi. How's it going?
[ Cheers ]
I'm -- I'm from Ireland, okay?
So I'm not as ugly as I look.
[ Laughter ]
People see me, they go, "Oh."
And then they hear me speak, and they go,
"Actually, for an Irish guy, not too bad."
[ Light laughter ]
You know "Game of Thrones?"
They filmed that in Ireland.
They did that to save on make-up costs with the extras.
[ Laughter ]
The filming crew showed up and were like,
"Hey, street merchant with leprosy,
we're ready for your scene. Come on."
[ Light laughter ]
That guy was like, "No, I work with catering."
And they said, "Get in here, you ugly pig, we need you."
Bring all your friends and your family
because we need some wildings for free."
[ Laughter ]
If you rewatch that show and look in the background,
you'll see a bunch of Irish plumbers and stuff,
staring at the camera.
[ Laughter ]
Every time a dragon flies by, they waved.
[ Laughter ]
I love ugly people.
[ Laughter ]
I was a waiter for years.
I never had an ugly person complain about anything.
It's always a good-looking person who wants
to speak to the manager,
usually a beautiful woman.
She would be like, "I ordered my steak medium rare
and this is medium-medium-Rare."
[ Laughter ]
Ugly people, they never complain.
They're just happy to be out of the house.
[ Laughter ]
They ordered a steak medium rare.
You can just throw a fish at their head.
You wouldn't even need to kill the fish.
Just lob it towards their ugly face, and they'll catch it
in their fang like, hyah!
And then they break its neck.
And they'll smile at you as fish guts dribble down
their ugly chin onto their ugly body
because they're happy for the eye contact.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I love -- I love ugly people.
I want ugly kids
because you don't have to parent ugly children.
Life will teach them their lessons naturally.
[ Laughter ]
I'm dating an American girl.
We've been together for 5 years now, so we're almost done.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. [ Laughs ]
Ah, she's all right.
She's okay.
She's into the environment though,
and she recently bought some coffee cups
that say "Save the Bees."
The bees, guys -- oh, God, the bees are -- they're dying.
[ Laughter ]
And you can't go outside of your house anymore
without piles of dead bees everywhere you go.
And if the bees die, there'll be no more Internet or something.
I don't know. I zone out when she talks.
But it's important. It's -- I'm told it's important.
[ Laughter and applause ]
So, every morning, we drink coffee from these coffee cups
that say "Save the Bees," alright?
I don't know what you guys are doing, but we're helping.
[ Laughter ]
Recently -- recently, there was a dead bee on our windowsill,
and my girlfriend is like, "We have to save the bee."
And I go, "Yeah, but he's already dead.
He must not have seen the coffee cups
because that is a dead bee if ever I saw one."
But apparently -- she explained to me, apparently,
a lot of the time when you see a dead bee,
apparently it's not actually dead.
Most of the time, it's actually just really thirsty
and he's having a little dehydrated nap.
And it will die,
but you can save its life by giving it a drink.
This is the type of ridiculous stuff that comes out of her face
all of the time.
But I can't leave her because I need a visa.
[ Laughter and applause ]
So, I prepared -- I prepared a dead bee drink
because I love this country.
[ Laughter ]
And I got tap water.
And she goes, "Not tap water. They hate tap water.
They only like sugary water."
What are the odds of getting such a picky dead bee?
[ Laughter ]
You give it tap water, he turns into Gordon Ramsay.
Just, "[Spits] Ah! it's bland!
This water is bland!"
So, I mixed sugar with water to make simple syrup.
I'm a mixologist now for a dead bee.
And I put the sugary water on a spoon.
But it won't drink it.
This dead bee has lost its thirst.
So, I just start splashing its corpse,
just covering its dead body in a sticky liquid,
dishonoring its memory completely.
And the whole time, my girlfriend is over my shoulder
like, "Is it working?"
And I go, "No, it's not working."
And she goes, "Why not?"
I go, "Because it's dead. It's a dead bee."
And I know it was dead
because I had killed it with a magazine
earlier that day...
[ Cheers and applause ]
when he came into my home uninvited.
Thank you very much.
Appreciate it! Thank you!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's how you do it. That's how you do it, brother.
Fantastic.
Colum Tyrrell, everybody.
His podcast is available on YouTube.
We'll be right back, everybody. Come on back.