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- There's been times where I tried dating people
because everyone is doing it.
But I was always upfront like, "Hey, I'm asexual.
This might not be your thing, you know?"
And then they're like, "No, no, I totally understand."
Three months later they're having a tantrum
'cause you won't kiss them.
(upbeat music)
- [Interviewer] "Even though I'm asexual,
I still experience attraction."
Three,
two,
one,
go.
(banner dinging)
- Wait, no, I did it wrong, I'm sorry.
No, I didn't.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to the class.
Like there have been times in my life where I've been like
"Is this attraction?"
Or like, "Is something happening here?"
But for the most part I have just been like, "No,
like that person is nice looking,
but I don't feel any sort of thing."
- Asexuality really is a large spectrum.
Under the spectrum, I fall under demisexual,
which basically means
that I need a strong emotional bond with someone
before I could feel any type of sexual attraction.
- I can look at someone and say
"This person is really attractive."
But you know, I don't have sexual attraction
or like I wanna date this person.
- There's also like different forms of attraction.
I can be attracted to aesthetics.
But I don't really have like a romantic attraction.
- [Interviewer] "I masturbate on a regular basis."
Three,
two,
one,
go.
(banner dinging)
(all laughing)
- Let's say here.
- I mean, I guess I'll go first.
The way that I've been able to find a lot of people
like in the ace community is through the kink community.
And so usually when I am masturbating,
it's things kink-related.
And so yeah, I do masturbate on a regular basis,
but it's never in the sense that I'm like craving sex
or want sex or even fine sex attractive.
- I don't feel like horny often.
So like when it does happen, I'm just like "Okay."
I think it's scientifically, it's just like,
"I just need to relieve myself."
- [Reggie] "Gotta do something about it."
- Yeah, do something about it.
- It just seems so time-consuming to do regularly.
Like, I mean, I got TV shows I could watch, I don't know.
(Sara laughing)
- I just feel like there's no need for it, you know?
I'm really content with myself.
Like if I have an urge, I can eat.
(Chenelle laughing)
- Personally, like when I get an urge,
it's more of an annoyance for me.
(Reggie laughing)
- Asexual people,
like just because they don't experience attraction
doesn't mean that they don't have any libido at all.
- Exactly, yeah.
- And so like you still might feel
the need for that sometimes, but like,
I feel like for a lot of aces,
it's just like, "Ah, this again?"
- Yeah, it's kinda like attached.
It kinda is like a chore that you're all right with doing,
but there's not really much of a payoff for getting it done.
- I'm curious to hear like your guys' thoughts
on like someone like me
who is on the opposite side of the spectrum.
Like how do you view that as an ace?
- Well, I mean high libido doesn't mean attraction.
They're completely different things.
- Like I don't get it, but I respect it.
(all laughing)
- [Interviewer] "I find sex repulsive."
Three,
two,
one,
go.
(banner dinging)
- For me, at least it's just like
there's always a bunch of other ways of attraction.
'Cause like at the end of the day,
it doesn't have to be sexual in nature.
You can find it with like other, just like other things
whether it's aesthetic or otherwise.
- Like I'm in like the gray spectrum of it,
of like asexuality.
So like there are days where I like,
there are days I feel it,
there are like times where I do, there's times I don't.
(Ivan laughing)
- Some people communicate through sex.
Like that's their way of showing their emotion.
And though it may not be for me,
it just depends on who the person is.
'Cause you're supposed
to be able to trust that person as well.
So if you don't trust them,
like what good is that gonna do for you, you know?
- And I really do feel like sex,
for me as a demisexual, it's like, if we're not connected
on an emotional or intellectual level, I just don't want it.
- I'm not repulsed by other people doing it.
Like anyone can do what they want, obviously.
It's not something I can see myself participating in.
- Asexuality is purely about the attraction
and not about the action.
You know, you can not experience that attraction
and still be like, "Oh this feels nice."
To me like sex is like an activity that you do
in the same way that you can like hug someone
or shake their hand.
Like for me it doesn't have like some other level
or like the level that society wants to tell you
that is inherent to sex.
Like I'm just like, "No, it's an activity
that you do with one or more other people."
Like that's all it is.
- Exactly.
- [Interviewer] "I am a virgin."
Three,
two,
one,
go.
(banner dinging)
- It's kind of what I expected.
(all laughing)
- For me like sex isn't like, people always talk about it,
and then it's just like,
well that's not really attractive to me.
And I have a supportive friend group,
I have hobbies I can do.
And it's like, I'd rather find my time doing something else.
- There's been times where I tried dating people
because everyone is doing it.
But I was always upfront like, "Hey, I'm asexual.
This might not be your thing, you know?"
And then they're like, "No, no, I totally understand."
Three months later they're having a tantrum
'cause you won't kiss them.
- I've been in a couple relationships before
both with men and a woman.
And so yeah, I've had sex with both of my partners.
So yeah, I'm not a virgin.
- When did you lose your virginity?
- I lost my virginity when I was 15 or 16.
What about you?
- I was 17 when I lost mine.
And it's not the greatest story.
I was coerced into having sex
by my girlfriend at the time.
- It's okay.
- So I lost my virginity because it was,
"If you loved me then you'd have sex with me."
And at the time I was like,
"Okay, this is my first relationship.
And I don't wanna...
I don't have the feel...
I don't wanna have sex with her,
but I'm scared that she might break up with me
because I don't wanna have sex with her."
So...
- Yeah, and that's a really strong thing.
That's the one,
so of course you'd wanna make sure you'd stay with them.
I wanna hug you.
(all laughing)
- We support you.
- I commend you for, you know, having gone through that
and being able to still, you know,
find yourself and be who you are today.
And I wanna hug you, but I don't know if I can.
(all laughing)
- Thank you.
- So I mean, me personally,
I've never experienced any of it.
I don't wish that I could experience sex.
There's moments where I wish I wasn't asexual.
I'm just gonna start crying too.
It's like, it's so ingrained in our society
that you should have attraction,
you should have romantic attraction,
you just have sexual attraction.
So a lot of us, if we don't have the word,
we feel so broken until we find it.
I was so lucky
because I had a parent who knew what the word was.
And like my mom actually said, "Maybe you're asexual.
You don't feel those things.
And that's okay."
But so many people don't have that word.
- [Interviewer] "I feel invisible to the LGBTQ+ community."
Three,
two,
one,
go.
(banner dinging)
- The LGBT community of itself is very sexualized.
Like at pride, it's very sexual.
I think it's hard for them
to include the sexuality that is absence of that.
I've heard so many people say that asexuals
don't get as oppressed
as other people in the LGBT community,
but that's not all that LGBT community is.
It's not just whether you'd get oppressed
or kicked out by your family.
We're still experiencing things differently
from the rest of the world.
And it feels better to have a community of people.
- For me, this question is a little bit personal
because the closest thing was, for me, was my auntie,
because my auntie is lesbian.
And it comes to relation with family,
like everyone accepts my auntie, but when it comes to me,
it's just like, "Oh, you don't exist.
You haven't tried it yet."
It makes me feel a little bit empty
because like you're my family, you're supposed to,
like, you're supposed to be with me,
like you're supposed to be able to comfort me.
- Like, as you say, like pride is really sexualized.
And like being sex-positive
and encouraging people to have as much sex as they want
also means that sometimes they don't want any.
I've heard people say like "What you experience is valid,
but you're not queer enough to be in the community."
And I'm like, "Then what is queer enough?"
- As someone who identifies as gay,
I really did wanna hear everything out
that they were saying, because I completely agree
with everything that they just said.
I do see more things on social media.
Like I was just on the LGBT website
and they list like a whole list of different ace identities.
We are becoming a little bit more open-minded about it,
but I don't wanna give too much credit,
because I 100% agree
that we need a lot of work in the community.
- The increased visibility is great.
It's really good.
But it also is driven by ace people and ace specs.
And there's no one, at least there are fewer people
in the broader queer community who are reaching out to us
and being like, "We want you involved."
- I do know some people,
like they kind of just feel like they don't belong
in the community,
so they just stick to basically an ace community.
And I mean, I don't know about you,
but when I went to like meetups and stuff,
I would ask if asexuals were welcome.
- So I guess where I'd find community
it's definitely like the internet,
'cause like I definitely remember watching
like this show called like "BoJack Horseman,"
and when you, when I found out
that like one of the main characters, Todd
was like an asexual himself, I was like,
"Oh wow, here's like someone in actual media space
that like I can actually relate to at the end of the day."
- And he wasn't treated as like a fix it case.
That's like the biggest thing
is that if there's an asexual in media, they're just broken.
- Yeah.
We really find community through the internet.
I've not been with this many ace specs ever in my life.
(all laughing)
- [Interviewer] "I am still exploring my sexuality."
Three,
two,
one,
go.
(banner dinging)
- I used to identify as demi and then I went to ace,
like grays.
So like I'm still at like, "Is this correctly
what I identify as?"
- I am still unsure of myself.
Like I don't know what my own feelings are half the time.
And I am still young.
So I'm trying to be okay
with not really knowing some things about myself,
at least for now.
- I think I have it pretty down pat.
And I think that's one of the misconceptions
about the ace community, is that people will approach you
and will think that you're not experienced
or you don't know what you're looking for
or you're too young and you'll figure it out.
And that's very wrong.
Especially in my case,
like I feel like I'm really well experienced
and I do know what I like and I do know what I don't like,
but at the same time,
I think that there is still some exploring that I am doing.
- Like for me, it's like I'm in the disagree section
because like I feel pretty,
like I'm pretty solid in my identity.
There are times where I'm like, "Was that attraction?
What was that?"
But like, it doesn't matter what it was,
like it's not gonna change my behavior.
- I feel like at this point I already know what I want
and I'm so over like other people judging me for it,
you know?
I'm just gonna stay here in my little bubble.
I'm comfortable being right here, you know?
(Chenelle laughing)
- I've had the term since I was like 10.
I'm sure my mom probably thought I would grow out of it.
I'm sure she thought I was a late bloomer or something.
But like, as I got older, it's just like,
it just kept fitting.
- I had an experience where I found the term
when I was 11, 12.
So when I first heard that,
when I first found out about what even sexuality is,
I found asexual and I was like, "Okay, I'm asexual."
But then when I got to high school,
I was like "You can be straight or something.
Like everyone else around you is straight."
- Yeah.
- And then I was like, "Okay, no.
Maybe I'm gay 'cause I'm not straight."
And then I got to college and I'm like,
"Okay, maybe I'm bi.
Maybe..."
- Yeah, I like them both the same.
(all laughing)
- And only like in the last couple months
was when I was like, "Oh, I finally went back to asexual."
It's a broad label
and I can be comfortable being under that umbrella.
(indistinct chatter)
(upbeat music)
- Awesome.
- We have to like exchange Instagrams or numbers.
- Yeah. - Yes, definitely.