Don't you hate it when you hurt someone you love? How to say sorry when you've
done that? This is one of those things that's not if. It's when. Because we're
all gonna do it. In fact, Bishop Desmond Tutu wrote a book
about forgiveness. And he said, we are all broken. And from that brokenness, we hurt
each other. And then he set up forgiveness as the healing path that we
can take once it's happened. So, it's going to happen and you've probably
noticed it. And probably you're dealing with something right now where just
because of some brain cramp that got in your way and had you do something that
hurts someone that you love. You know what? I hate this. Personally, I love my
wife so much. And I'm constantly doing stupid
brain-dead kinds of things. That have her feeling hurt. I don't want to do it. You
can probably relate, right? We don't want to hurt them but we do. So, acknowledging
that, what can we do to make an appropriate apology? To say that we're
sorry? To convey that in a way that really is meaningful. Do you remember
when you're a little kid and you did something that hurt someone and your mom
said, "What do you say?" And you're like, "I'm sorry, gosh!" Alright? How does that come
across? Yeah, that's not it. So, five tips for you. And the first one is be sincere.
Okay? I know that you are because you're trying to find out a way to solve this.
Be sincere. That's superficial I just need to meet
the requirement kind of approach is not going to fly, okay? And that usually makes it
worse. So it has to come from the most sincere place in your own heart and mind.
That you really care about this issue and you want to make it right. Be sincere.
Tip number 2. Be specific. So, it's not just, "I am so sorry."
Okay, that's sincere, right? But it's not specific. Sorry for what? Yeah. So, you get
to come to terms with the boneheaded thing that you did. And be very specific
about that. Now that leads to tip number 3 and let's talk about these 2
together. Because being sincere has to be tied to number 3. Focus on the person
who was hurt. Not you. Alright? So, "I'm sorry that I am such an idiot."
No. That's specific, it's not very sincere actually. It's really more
self-deprecating. Be sincere and focus on the person who was hurt. "I am so sorry
that I caused you to be late for that important meeting." Okay? Now that is both
specific and sincere, alright? Specific and sincere and it's focused on the
person who was hurt. Those are the first 3 tips. Number 4 is going to help too.
Stay in front of your but. Spell B-U-T, Alright? "But" shows up and gets in our
way sometimes. Well, I'm really sorry that I did that "but". Now what's coming next?
Yeah, some kind of a justification or shifting the blame to someone else. You
got to stay in front of your but. And what that means is, when you hear the
but coming in your own mind, stop, pause, zip it at that point. Stay in front of
whatever you say before the but, okay? So, I am really sorry that I caused you to
be late for that important meeting. If you say but, you just spoiled the whole
thing. And you took the focus off of the person who is hurt in the first place.
And it's coming back to "But you didn't tell me that you needed to be there by
then or you did this or that that caused me to do whatever that causes us to be
late." No. Don't go there. Stay in front of your
but. And then tip number 5. I'll review all of these here in just a second.
Tip number 5. When it's appropriate, offer to share what you have learned or
what your commitment is moving forward. So, in addition to saying you're sorry in
a sincere and specific way that focuses on the person who's been hurt, you're
staying in front of your but and you're showing them that you are bright enough
and attentive enough to learn from your mistakes, so that as you move forward
it's less likely that it's going to happen again. So, can you picture how that
could play out? You give your sincere specific apology
focused on the person who is hurt staying in front of your but. And then
you say something like, "You know what I've really learned from this is that I
need to track a little better what other people are doing. And not get so caught
up in my own thoughts. Because I want to be there for you in the future. You can
count on me moving forward to not repeat that mistake. I really don't want to hurt
you." Do you see how that could possibly help you to not only do an appropriate
apology but to take some important steps forward in building this relationship in
a powerful and healthy way? If you're new to the channel, click Subscribe. We've got
new videos coming out every day. I'll see you tomorrow.