Alright, it's that time of year again.
Time to go back to school.
And sure I know it sucks.
I was a 10-year-old kid before, I know what it's like.
I've been sitting there on the couch, watching TV.
All of a sudden a "Back To School" commercial comes on.
"Hey you there, on the couch!"
"To hell with your Animaniacs! It's back to school time!"
"Go tell your mom we got book bags for 50% off at Walmart!"
Now, the one good thing about going back to school, at least for me,
was that my great grandma would take me to the store and buy me a new pair of shoes.
Now, granted the shoes she would pick out for me would be like from the 1920s.
But it was the thought that counted, God damn it!
"Oh yeah, Grandma, these will look great!
when I'm doing the Charleston at the School's Ice Cream Social!"
Looks good to me!
And then before you know it, you wake up one morning and it's the first day of school!
I'm laying there in bed, like,
"Duuuh, well, my uncle Rick shit himself in order to get out of Vietnam,
maybe I can shit myself to get out of going to school!"
But no, you don't do that, you get your ass up and you're going to school!
Your dumbass friends are outside, waiting for you.
Everybody's got on their finest clothes!
I walk out there, looking like I got dressed in the dark.
I got my speakeasy dress shoes on and my dumbass Hawaiian t-shirt.
My friend Michael's over there showing off his generic-ass new shoes.
"Hey everybody, check out my new Shaqs! Aren't they cool?"
"Uhm, Michael I thought you said you were getting New Air Jordans!"
"No, my stepdad said I had to get fake Air Jordans, because I'm his fake son."
So we start walking to school, there's random people yelling out of their car windows,
"Hey, look at those little shits on their first day of school!"
"Sucks to be you, guys! Have fun with your scantron sheets and your square pizzas!"
Then we finally get to school, everybody's all apprehensive.
"Well, here we are. The fifth grade."
"They say shit gets pretty real when you hit the fifth grade."
Meanwhile everybody's walking up to me, talking shit about my shoes.
"Look at this dude in his weird tap dancing shoes! What the hell?!"
"Uh, there are fucking wingtips there, mister! You don't know nothing about nothing!"
Then you sit down in your new class for the first time.
You scan the room to see who's all in your class this year.
"Let's see, who do we got here..."
"We got weird-ass Julie over there, who talks to herself."
"That's not good."
"And we got Eric, who was sent home from school last year, because he had head lice."
"God damn it."
"And there's Chris over there, who shit himself in the first grade."
"Faaantastic! I'm not gonna talk to any of these people!"
All of a sudden the teacher busts into the classroom.
"Good morning, you beautiful sunshine children! Are we all happy to be here today?"
"Uh, I'd rather be tossed around in a Russian GULag then to be here, to be honest with you."
"Oh, well, that's terrific! How about we go around the room and introduce ourselves?"
"My name is Julie, and sometimes the voices in my head tell me to burn things."
"Yeah, my name is Eric,
and my mom had to shave my head last summer, 'cause I'm a dirty little bastard."
"Uh yeah, my name is Chris.."
(Voice from class) "Hey, that's the kid that shit himself in the first grade!"
"Oh, God damn it, that was a long time ago, all right?!"
"I had 12 chocolate milks that day, how the hell was I supposed to know I'm lactose intolerant?!"
"All right everybody, calm down, calm down. Don't worry Chris, it's not your fault."
"Not everybody can grow up to be a decent person."
"And what about you, little boy? You must've went to Hawaii over the summer, didn't you?"
"Uhm, no. I'm just wearing this shirt, because it's badass!"
"Look, lady, I don't know what you want from me. I'm 10 years old, I like Pokemon cards,
I just got the Limp Bizkit CD last summer,
I got a lot of shit going on in my life, all right? That's all I have to say!"
And that was pretty much all you did on your first day of school.
You didn't really do any real work.
Partly, because you've been turning your brains into mashed potatoes all summer long.
"Man, I haven't used my brain in three months!"
"I can't remember, how to write my name in cursive!"
"Hell, I can't even remember, how to spell mine!"
So after school I'd meet up with all my friends, we'd recap on how the day went.
"Well, I hope your guys' first day went better than mine."
"My new teacher is old as hell, and she smells like fuckin' Fritos!"
"Oh yeah? Well, that's nothing, you should see all the weirdos in my class!"
"I got weird-ass Julie, that kid that had head lice and Chris of all people!"
"Chris? Isn't that the kid that shit himself?"
"God damn it, that was a long time ago!" (Farts)
"Oh God, not again!"
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