Does your ex think the world revolves around them? Do they treat other people as disposable and seem
to lack empathy? Then there’s a good chance that your ex is a narcissist. In this video I’m going
to go over how to recognize a narcissist, what it’s like to date one, and how you can get a
second chance with your narcissistic ex… if you decide that’s a good idea. So, if you suspect your
ex is a narcissist and you want to win them back, this is definitely the video for you.
I, of course, am Brad Browning, author of The Ex Factor and Breakup Coach to thousands around the
world for over ten years now. If you’d like a little help with your breakup, or getting your
ex back, subscribe to this channel and sign up for my coaching over at BreakupBrad.com/coaching.
Before we start, I should say that I’m not a mental health professional and some of these
indicators are subjective so don’t start accusing your ex of being a narcissist just because they
like looking at themselves in the mirror. The real test for a narcissist is how their actions
and attitudes affect the people around them and how little they seem to care about those people.
The good thing here is that a breakup can really bring out these traits in people,
so you had a front row seat to some pretty intense
narcissistic behaviour. Here are the six signs that your ex is a narcissist…
1. Gaslighting
Do they try to make you second-guess reality?
Do you ever feel the desire to tape record your conversations just to prove to them
that they said something they’re insisting they didn’t? Then you’re experiencing gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a very popular term these days and it gets misapplied a
lot but actual gaslighting is very real and very harmful. It’s one of the most
common tactics narcissists use and the truth is, they probably don’t even know they’re doing it.
Narcissists are able to twist the truth in order to make you feel crazy, and gain control over you.
For example, let me paint you a scenario: You’re in a big fight with them. They say
“You’re worthless, I’m the only one who’d ever put up with this. You’re going to die
alone.” A couple weeks later, you can’t stop thinking about it so you bring it up. They
say “I never said that. Why would I ever say something like that? That’s horrible.”
Now, you start to doubt yourself. They seem so sure. Did you misremember? This is gaslighting
at work. They call into question things that you KNOW to be true and it sends you into an
emotional tailspin… When you start to doubt your own sanity, they win. Now you have to rely on them
to tell you what’s true and what isn’t. This kind of power is extremely attractive to a narcissist.
2. Grandiosity
Narcissists insist on their own superiority over others. They’ve taken self confidence
to the extreme and believe that they really are the center of the universe.
They think that they’re the most special and unique person in the world and that it takes a
very special person to understand their greatness. This is why narcissists can be very flattering to
the people around them… Since they’re so amazing, then you must be amazing too since they want you
around. To this end, they often exaggerate their own skills, achievements and stories. They’ll
often talk about how lucky you are to have them. And their sense of self worth can border on manic.
3. Inability to take criticism
No one loves criticism, but narcissists can’t handle it even in its mildest form. They’ll
often lash out in anger and turn criticism around on you. They may also be dismissive
or sarcastic. Narcissists don’t like it when someone questions their inflated
view of themselves and so they need to find a way to minimize the criticism of others.
4. Self-centeredness
When you talk about yourself, does your ex always change the topic back to them? This is because,
to a narcissist, it’s difficult to really feel empathy or care about
someone else beside themselves. This will be reflected in all of their behaviour,
how they talk about other people, and their priorities. Remember that most
people are selfish on a basic level but true narcissists take it to a whole other level.
5. Double standards
This is part of narcissists’ inflated sense of self and comes with a sense of entitlement.
Basically: “I’m so special that the rules don’t apply to me.” They’ll often skip the line,
cut corners and do whatever it takes to get what they want, without considering how this
affects other people… like you. Maybe they yell at people in customer service, speed excessively
or drive drunk. Narcissists will often be very judgmental of other people for doing the very
same things that they do on a regular basis. This hypocrisy comes from a lack of self awareness.
6. Lack of empathy
Narcissists are prone to abusive behaviour because they have difficulty feeling
empathy for others. Since they don’t consider the feelings of other people,
they don’t have any qualms about manipulating and degrading others for their own benefit.
This can be malicious or simply oblivious but one thing’s for certain: narcissists will treat
others badly and when confronted, they will exhibit a lack of guilt or shame.
Obviously, this can make breaking up with a narcissistic ex even
more difficult and frustrating than normal, so don’t think you’re going
crazy if your ex was particularly cruel or heartless during and after your breakup.
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So, these are just a few of the many signs of
narcissism. Basically it comes down to an inflated sense of self importance,
a failure to empathize with others, and a tendency towards manipulative behaviour.
But that raises the question: if your ex is a narcissist,
should you just move on? Is there hope of rebuilding the relationship?
First, I’d caution you again against diagnosing them. Narcissism is a spectrum. Meaning we
all are narcissists in our own way. Narcissism can come and go depending on what’s going on in
our lives and often it will fade as we become more mature and learn more about other people.
So being a narcissist isn’t always permanent. But–and
here’s the important part–you’re not going to be able to fix them. All you
can do is set boundaries and manage your own reaction to their behaviour.
So decide if this is something you can live with. I’m not saying roll over and play
dead. I’m actually going to give you some very tangible steps you can take to protect yourself
and get your own needs met while dealing with a narcissist. But, to some extent, this is who they
are. They’re not just going to wake up one day and be a completely empathetic, selfless person.
But since you’re watching this video, I get the sense that your ex has other positive qualities
that make them worth spending time with. You just have to decide if the good outweighs the bad.
If you do decide to give it another shot, here’s what you need to consider while
trying to get them back. Just warning you now: this advice WILL involve some manipulation. My
thought is that if they can dish it out then they need to be able to take it too.
1. Avoid conflict
This is important. Don’t let a narcissistic ex bait you into conflict. They’re better at it than
you are and they’ll use it to break you down to prove how much better off they are without you.
Instead, keep things light and breezy. The time will come for more serious discussions
about what the future holds but for now you should just focus on reconnecting,
making them laugh and spending time with them.
2. Flatter them
Narcissists enjoy flattery because it confirms that they’re the best person who’s ever lived.
Don’t just give it up to them for no reason though. Use praise to reward your ex for
positive steps towards reconciliation. If they start showing signs that they want you back,
use praise to seal the deal or to entice them towards more intimacy.
This can be a tricky process because you don’t want to overdo it and further inflate their ego.
If you have questions about this or any of the advice I’ve given, leave a comment below or
head on over to BreakupBrad.com/Coaching to get answers from me directly.
As soon as you sign up, we can put together a plan to get your ex back as soon as possible. That’s
BreakupBrad.com/Coaching where you can learn more about working with me 1-on-1 and register today.
3. Set healthy boundaries
Since your relationship is in flux, you may be afraid to set boundaries with your ex,
in fear that they’ll just run away. In my opinion,
setting boundaries is actually going to make them want you MORE.
This is because narcissists think of themselves as extremely valuable. If
you show them that you’re willing to put your own needs above their attention then
they’re going to think that you’re valuable as well. Remember, it’s all about perception here.
And, obviously, if your relationship with your ex was toxic–which is very
likely if they’re a narcissist–then setting boundaries like this is going to set you up
for a more equitable arrangement if you do end up back together.
This can include things like how much time and space they’re allowed to occupy in your life,
what topics are off limits, what they’re allowed to say to you…really anything that
bothered you in the past you can set a firm boundary around.
I’m not going to lie…in some situations a narcissist will see a boundary like this
and decide that you’re not worth the trouble. Unfortunately this is still worth the risk.
Remember that your relationship as it was was not only hurting you and your self image, but it also
fell apart or you wouldn’t be here right now. You need to create a new status quo if you’re
going to have more success this time around and to do that, you’ll need to take risks like this.
Ultimately, someone who is worth being with will be happier with these boundaries in place because,
even if it’s not always obvious, they do actually want you to be happy.
4. Play hard to get
Narcissists are typically interested in social status. With that in mind, you need to make
yourself appear as valuable as possible. The best way to make this happen is to give your ex
the sense that they might lose you if they don’t act right. So don’t be afraid to blow them off
and ignore them sometimes. Show them you’re not the doormat you were in the initial relationship.
Playing hard to get means not making them a priority. I know that this can be difficult,
because I’m sure you want their attention more than anything, but remember that you’re playing
the wrong game… getting them back will be worth denying yourself their presence for one afternoon.
I made a really good video a few months ago about the importance of not chasing your ex,
which I strongly recommend you watch next after this one is over… I’ll
link to that video in the pop-up here and in the description below.
5. Don’t let them manipulate you
Easier said than done, right? I know, but now that you and your ex are not sharing
the same space, you’ll have a better shot at avoiding their manipulation.
And if you add in some boundaries, this starts to become more doable.
Remember that manipulation is something that they do almost unconsciously. If
you can stay strong against it, eventually they will see that you’re not someone they
can treat this way. This may take a long time but if you stay firm in this way you’ll be on
the way to creating a healthier dynamic with your ex which will help you going forward.
6. Hold out for the real thing
The attention of a narcissist can feel like the sun on your face,
but if you’re not careful, they may be gone come nightfall.
Don’t let your ex use you for sex, validation or love bombing only to disappear when things
start to get serious. Hold out for the real thing rather than letting them treat
you this way. This means managing your time together and making sure that the
relationship moves forward INTENTIONALLY rather than according to their moods.
7. Post photos on social media
This works for any ex, really, but it goes double for a narcissistic ex. Use the power of social
media to make them jealous and you’re going to make them worry about losing you. To that end,
post photos having fun with friends, ideally of the opposite sex. Show your ex the exciting
life that you’re leading without them and make them want to be a part of it.
Narcissists can be extremely possessive and afraid of abandonment. If you show them that they’re not
the only thing that matters in your life, they’re going to want to compete for your attention
and that will result in them spending more time with you.
These are just a few of the many techniques that I can offer you when it comes to dealing
with a narcissistic ex. If you want more, head on over to BreakupBrad.com after this video is
over and check out my free video there. It’s jam packed with vital information that will help you
reconnect with your narcissistic ex. Get them back in your arms today. That’s BreakupBrad.com
That just about does it for this video, thanks for watching all the way to the end. If you have any
questions about your particular situation or anything I’ve covered in this video,
don’t be afraid to leave a comment below. I read and respond to as many
as I possibly can. And while you’re here, like the video and subscribe to
my channel too… seriously, please do it, it is extremely helpful and much appreciated!
Thanks again and I’ll see you in my next video.