and he goes, "What the fuck are you doing?"
And I go, "Living, bro," and I punch him in the face
and run away.
Like, there's happy drunk. There's sad drunk.
I was run-away drunk.
[police siren blaring in the distance]
[dark electronic music]
♪
[coughs]
♪
Ha! Yes! [laughs]
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
[truck horn honks]
♪
[cheers and applause]
- Very, very funny man,
he's got his own podcast called "My Dumb Friends."
Give it up for Dan St. Germain, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
- Drugs and alcohol have affected every area of my life.
It's affected my relationship with women
and my relationship with sex.
Small aside--
I spent $1,500
to have a escort come over one night,
and I couldn't get it up,
so I just spend all night holding her hand...
like it was the first date.
I'm like, "Hey, if I pay extra,
can we do that animal-cracker scene from 'Armageddon'?"
It's affected my relationship with my family.
Once I was naked
in my parents' living room doing lines.
Naked's the official uniform of cocaine, by the way.
That's like Superman's cape.
And they came home early,
and the only thing that I could think to say was,
"Uh, uh, don't come in. I'm masturbating."
You know your life's in a sad place
if masturbation's the safe option
with your parents.
And then when they turned their back,
I took the rest of the cocaine, put it in a bag,
and shoved it up my ass
so I could do the cocaine in the basement
while they were asleep
before they got up for work at 6:00 a.m.
I did coke the same way Gollum eats.
The biggest area of my life it's affected
are my relationships with my friends,
my friendships.
When I was 20 years old,
I was actually a janitor at a middle school,
which at the time didn't fit.
Now...
now it looks like it fits.
Like, now...
[laughter]
Now I look like the guy who's like,
"Hey, if you kids want to miss dodgeball,
I'll tell you how I got this hook," you know?
But...
At the time, it didn't fit. I was very clean...face.
And my friend called me up,
and he said, "Hey, I got tickets to the Gathering of the Vibes."
It's this jam-band festival in Upstate New York.
Yeah, I had a really-- I went there in high school.
I had a really fun time there in high school.
Did a lot of drugs. I met a chick.
It was fucking great, right?
And I'm 20.
At this point, I'm getting way more--
like, my fucked-up times are getting way more dark,
but I'm excited, because I'm, like, working the shitty job,
my life's in a shitty place.
I'm like, "All right, I have something to look forward to
on one of these janitor weekends.
That sounds like the worst buddy comedy ever.
[imitating announcer] Get ready for "Janitor Weekend,"
starring Zach Braff and another Zach.
[normal voice] There's just a lot of Zachs in that movie.
Anyway, my friend picks me up, my friend John.
He picks me up. We stop at the liquor store.
He already should've known
there was gonna be a problem that weekend,
'cause he got a 12-pack of beer,
and I bought, like, a handle of Black Velvet whiskey.
Oh, my God, there's, like--
That's, like, what you drink
in, like, a baby shower on "Deadwood," you know?
So...
We get in the car.
I'm getting, like, fucking hammered
the whole trip to this--
And I'm just getting drunker and drunker.
I'm, like, starting to argue with him.
Like, it's not making any sense.
And we get to the Gathering of the Vibes,
and at this--
Like, Gathering of the Vibes has changed.
Like, last time I was there,
it was, like, peace, love, and understanding.
Now there's, like, one good vibe,
and all the other vibes are,
"I wonder how much ecstasy I can get
if I steal that guy's iPod," you know?
And, like, we're in the car.
We're arguing, and then all of a sudden,
like, we're on line.
We're, like, in a car line,
waiting to go into this festival,
and the back door opens,
and I swear to God,
this old man walks in and sit-- He looked like--
Imagine if, like, Burt's Bees had, like, a cousin,
but instead of selling bee shit,
he just sold the milk he squeezed
from possums, you know?
[chuckles] And he sits down,
and we look at him, and he just goes,
"Don't mind me. Passing through."
And he passes out in the back...
like it was a bonus round on "Oregon Trail."
But I'm such a drunk.
My friend doesn't even notice that,
because I'm already fucking--
Like, I'm already yelling at him.
He's like, "Stop fucking with the air conditioner."
And I'm like, "Your mom's an air conditioner."
He's like, "That doesn't make any sense.
Stop playing Stevie Nicks' 'Landslide.'"
I'm like, "It's a good song. Go fuck yourself."
We're fighting back and forth.
We're fighting so much that in the middle of it,
the old guy just wakes up, and he goes, "Okay."
And he leaves.
Like, I was so annoying, I made a hobo turn down shelter.
That's how annoying I was.
He's like, "I'd rather die in the cold
"than deal with this shit.
I'm going back to Hobo Island."
But we're fighting more and more.
You know, we're coming down to the tent area.
He's like, "Fuck you, Dan." I'm like, "Fuck you."
He's like, "What's your problem?"
"Man, the Iraq War was wrong."
He's like, "You're not making any sense."
I jump out of the car as it's driving.
Now this sounds, like, very "Lethal Weapon"-y
and impressive,
but the car was only going 10 miles an hour.
So it just looked like
the most low-stakes hostage situation ever.
So he stops the car.
He runs after me, grabs me,
and he goes, "What the fuck are you doing?"
And I go, "Living, bro," and I punch him in the face
and run away.
Like, there's happy drunk. There's sad drunk.
I was run-away drunk.
I don't remember much of the night.
What I do remember
is I remember I had taken two hits of acid,
and I was nervous, because I had drank so much,
that I was gonna pass out and not experience the acid.
So I bought a gram of cocaine
that I immediately did to my dome.
And I remember I turned to the guy who sold me the cocaine,
and I'm like, "Oh, you want to talk now?"
And he goes, "I'm cool," and he walks away.
He's probably a doctor now.
And that's all I remember.
I remember I pass out, and then I woke up the next day,
and I was in my friend's trunk, and the trunk was open.
And my friend is, like, sitting in the corner.
Like, he's, like, sitting on one of those, like, camp chairs,
and he's smoking a cigarette,
and he's looking off into the distance.
And it's just that palpable feeling
of "I fucked up," you know?
And I turn to him, and I'm like...
[meekly] "Hey, John.
[normal voice] He goes, "What?"
I go, "I'm sorry."
And he goes, "Sorry for what?"
"For punching you in the face."
And then he goes,
"The first time or the second time?"
Apparently later in the night, I punched him in the face again.
So it wasn't a good scene.
I walked away.
I found, like, this little creek near the--
Not a creek, it was, like, just kind of a ditch.
And I started, like, puking, 'cause I was fucking hungover.
The whole thing was, like,
the most white-trash Ansel Adams photo ever.
And then this dude comes up in back of me,
and then I just hear, "Rico?"
And I'm like, "No, no," and I start pu--
I'm, like, forcing myself to puke.
And he's like, "Rico?"
I'm like, "I'm not Rico. I'm not Rico."
And then he goes, "No, you're Rico."
I'm like, "I'm fucking not Ri"--
And then he takes out his digital camera,
and he shows the pictures,
and I had been partying with that guy
the night before
and told him my name was Rico.
[chuckles]
And, like, I'm like, "I'm so sorry.
He goes, "No, don't worry, man. You were fucking hilarious.
"You told great stories.
"You helped my friend Mike through a breakup.
You, like, played him this Bob Dylan song that helped."
And then he goes, "How's law school going?"
I told him I was going to law school.
"Yeah, it's good. It's good."
And then he goes, "Dude, dude, come here. Come here."
And then he, like, puts
a fucking clump of mushrooms in my hand.
And I look at it, and I'm like,
"Well, when in Upstate New York..."
And I eat the mushrooms.
Cut to, like, a half hour later.
At this point, I'm, like, starting to feel the body buzz,
and he goes, "Hey, dance for us like you did last night."
And I'm like, "What?"
So I start dancing, and they think it's hilarious,
but I think it's sexy, 'cause I'm tripping.
Like, it looked like if Jabba danced for Leia, you know?
It was, like, the opposite of what it normally is, so...
And then I start dancing away from them,
but then they follow me,
and we're all dancing in this line
through the festival.
And in the distance, I see my friend John,
and he looks at us and goes, "What the fuck, Dan?"
And then the guy in back of me goes,
"It's not Dan. It's Rico."
And then he goes, "It's fucking Dan!"
He's like, "No, it's Rico!"
And then John's like, "It's Dan."
And then the guy reaches into his pocket,
pulls out some more mushrooms, goes up to my friend John,
puts it in his hand,
and my friend John looks at the mushrooms.
He goes, "You know...
"you know, Dan was rude, obnoxious,
"violent, and drunk last night, but...
"this guy Rico, well...
he seems pretty cool."
And he ate the mushrooms, and we all partied together.
It was--Two rehabs later, I'm still dancing.
Guys, thank you so much. Have a good night.
[cheers and applause]