Thank you very much, everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
[ Cheers and applause ] Welcome!
Thank you so much for being here.
Thank you for watching. Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, this is big.
Last night, "Time" magazine announced
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris as 2020's Person of the Year.
Yeah.
After the announcement, Trump called Rudy Giuliani
and was like, "Forget the election.
We're suing 'Time' magazine."
Apparently, "Time" magazine was like,
"There's so many worthy people,
but who would annoy Trump the most?"
I got to be honest,
I thought it was going to be frontline healthcare workers,
especially since doctor's offices
is the only place you still find a copy of "Time" magazine.
[ Laughter ]
That's right.
They picked Biden and Harris over Trump.
Even worse, the original cover
was the two of them going down a ramp.
That's -- Oh.
"I had very slippery shoes on.
And I couldn't do it. It was very slippery."
That's right. Trump and his staff were pretty annoyed
that he wasn't named "Time's" Person of the Year,
but they managed grabbed a couple of other magazine covers.
Let me show you what I mean.
Trump was honored by a magazine
which covers two of his favorite things, food and whine.
[ Laughter ]
Michael Flynn received the honor from "Better Homes & Pardons."
Steve Mnuchin was honored by "Mnewsweek."
[ Laughter ]
Wilbur Ross was featured on the cover of...
"One Hundred Seventeen."
That's...
Mike Pence was given the honor from something called
"This is a Magazine."
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, Rudy Giuliani
was featured in "Field & Streaming."
Yeah, there you go, everybody. Congrats.
Congrats to you guys on those covers.
And this is just wild.
It just came out that Trump's chief of staff
told the head of the FDA to approve
the Pfizer vaccine today or resign.
Trump's like, "We need this vaccine today
for a virus I've ignored since March.
We need it today!"
[ Applause ]
I think we let the FDA have their moment.
I mean, 80% of their job is just putting out lettuce recalls.
Give them a little something.
I got to say, though, in Trump's defense,
if the FDA is allowing Pizza Hut's triple-decker box,
then this should not be a problem.
Meanwhile, I saw that Walmart
is preparing to administer COVID vaccines at its stores.
[ Applause ] That's the good news.
The bad news is they're gonna be given to you
by a Walmart greeter.
"Hold still.
Oh, here comes the pointy airplane.
Oh, I'm going down. I'm going down.
Come down with me.
There's no way I'm getting up.
You've got to come down here to get the shot."
Reminds me of a few years ago when my uncle
had a heart valve replaced at K-Mart.
[ Laughter ]
Actually, Walmart's a great place to give vaccines
'cause no one's wearing sleeves anyway.
Here's some big entertainment news.
[ Laughter ]
Here's some big entertainment news.
Disney just held their annual Investor Day
where they announced a bunch of new projects.
Check this out.
-Disney announces a slew of new original programming.
Ten new "Star Wars" projects are on the way.
New Marvel projects are on the way.
Plus, spinoffs, reboots, sequels for some Disney favorites.
Tom Hanks in a live-action "Pinocchio."
And a Buzz Lightyear origin story.
-Yeah, Disney is going to release 50 new titles
from Marvel, "Star Wars," and Pixar.
Families in quarantine heard it and were like,
"Where the hell was this ten months ago?! Come on!"
When the news broke, Netflix was like,
"Well, there goes our show about backgammon."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Disney's releasing ten new "Star Wars" series.
Everything from "Star Wars" is getting a spinoff.
There's even a show about the cantina
trying to set up outdoor dining.
That seems...
[ Laughter ]
This is very exciting.
Disney also announced that Harrison Ford will star
in a fifth and final "Indiana Jones" movie.
That's right. It's a two-hour adventure
of him trying to remember where he left his hat.
He's like, "I switched it with the idol? Did I...
Where did I -- Oh, I'm wearing it."
[ Laughter ]
At his age, the only giant boulder attacking him
is a kidney stone.
[ Audience ohhs ] Well, hey --
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, Taylor Swift just released another new album
called "Evermore," and her fans are going crazy.
[ Applause ] That is two albums
and a documentary in the past five months.
She is on fire right n-- -[ Notification chimes ]
-I just got a notification.
Taylor Swift just released a third album.
It's called "Sycamore." Wow. That's unbelievable.
Anyway, she -- -[ Notification chimes ]
-Wow. She released a fourth album.
It's called "Sophomore."
How does she have the time for this?
Well, anyway, she -- -[ Notification chimes ]
-Her fifth album is called "Furthermore."
It just dropped. Well, she can't keep this up.
I mean, can she? I mean, she --
[ Clock ticking ]
[ Notification chimes ]
Her 17th album is called "Pottermore."
It's a whole album about Harry Potter.
[ Clock ticking ]
[ Notification chimes ]
This is her 36th album.
It's called "Julianne Moore."
[ Clock ticking ]
[ Notification chimes ]
Huh. Wait.
Paramore just released an album called "Taylor Swift."
Well, it came full circle. Well, let's move on.
Let's move on. Congratulations, Paramore.
And finally, a new survey found that this year
one in five Americans
have gotten hurt putting up their Christmas tree.
How annoying is that for overrun hospitals?
It's like, "Make room.
This dummy fell on his Christmas tree."
One patient was like, "Is it bad?"
And the doctor was like, "Well, I'm a proctologist,
so you tell me."
We have exactly six shows left before we go on Christmas break.
Is that it? Six shows left?
Wow. It's happening so fast. Which means it's time
for that beloved "Tonight Show" tradition.
It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."
Here we go!
-♪ 12 days of Christmas sweaters ♪
♪ Six days left ♪
-That is right!
Every show between now and Christmas,
we'll be giving one lucky audience member
a bewitching Christmas sweater.
[ Laughs ]
From the Countdown to Christmas cabinet, it's bewitching.
Now, since there are six shows left,
let's open door number 6.
[ Drumroll ]
Yes. Let's see it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Laughs ] Wow.
All right. Oh, my goodness.
I think I already have that one. That is gorgeous.
Can we see? Is there a back to it?
-That's a cape. -Yeah, it's kind of caped.
-Capey.
-Yeah, it's very capey, that one.
-Yeah. -I love it.
I think it's gorgeous.
I actually -- I would totally, uh --
I would totally give that away.
[ Laughter ]
Let's see who is going home with tonight's Christmas sweater.
Everyone look at your seat number.
If I call your number, come on down.
Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?
[ Drumroll ]
Making sure you know it's random.
136! Where you are at?
Oh, come on down!
♪♪
Ah. Oh, my goodness. Look at that. Ohh!
Thank you so much for being here.
What is your name and where are you from?
-Zady, and I'm from here in New York.
-Hey. Zady from New York. Come on.
Zady, thank you for being here, first of all. I appreciate it.
Do you have anything like this?
-No, this is the first one of these that I get.
-Wow. -I'm excited.
-Yeah, I think it might be the only one.
Would you mind trying it on? -Yes.
-Zady is going to try it on, everybody.
Roots, can I get some trying-on music?
♪♪
Zady, this is going to delight not only you but others,
if you Zoom to call anyone.
It's very easy to put it on.
Zady, it's almost perfect like that.
But don't rush. Zady, that's --
[ Laughter ]
It's -- Oh, oh, oh!
Oh! Ohh! Wow! Oh, we did it! Yes!
That is what I'm talking about! Zady! Take a spin!
Ohh! Is that not
the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?
Thank you so much to our lucky audience member.
Stick around. We'll be right back
with "Thank You Notes," everybody.
♪♪