Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach all over the world about parenting, good communication and
how to build strong family relationships through the lens of the principal self-government.
And in this video we're going to be talking about how to help a teenager be responsible.
In this video, we're going to be talking about what it's like to be a teenager,
and this whole concept of responsibility, how it plays in and what not to do if you're trying to
help them develop more responsibility and what to do. When you're a teenager, I think one of
the most common things that you might hear from parents is, oh, it's your responsibility or you
need to be responsible, or something like that. In fact, I think there are many teenagers that
get really tired of that type of conversation. And there are even some that have been pushing
against it in recent years saying, you know what? I don't want to take any personal responsibility.
I don't want to drive. I don't want to date. I don't want to get a job. I don't want to move
on. And so we're having a problem in our society where there's even a lot of teens and coming into
young adults who are not even wanting to launch. They don't even want to be adults. So this is
why the adults are so worried about the teens learning responsibility because they're like,
no, you've got to launch. You've got to get out there and become an adult and it's okay,
but they're seeing a lot of the teens being afraid and maybe even being lazy okay, big time laziness,
not wanting to take those next steps toward adulthood that all involve responsibility. Now,
when you take personal responsibility, this also means that you're going to fail sometimes. And I
think we've created a paradigm in the minds of some of our young people that actually has been
teaching that it's not okay. If you fail, you better not fail. You better become an instant
success. The next YouTube phenomenon, you better become the next icon in this or this and if not,
well then you're nothing. If you don't get enough popularity or enough attention,
then you're nothing and they also don't want to wait. So things have been very easy in our society
for young people. When I say easy, I don't mean in always because in some ways I would say definitely
morally when it comes to character development, when it comes to relationship development and
stuff like that has been very difficult for them. And to try to sort out what's right, wrong, good,
bad, true, false, couldn't be a messier time in history. But when it comes to like, oh, shopping,
I'm just going to go online and get something, I don't have to talk to anybody about anything. I
can just text. I don't have to communicate, I don't have to- so this very kind of lazy,
easy way of going about life, which then creates a lot of entitlement for the young
people. They don't even know if they have entitlement. People keep saying they do,
but they don't think it's entitlement because it's just regular life. And so then they're
wondering why everybody's so worried about their future and acting like there's some big problem.
And it's because with this increased entitlement, a lot of the adult people are noticing that the
young adults and the teens are not wanting to take responsibility and are falling into this, well,
I deserve, well, I don't want to get a job in fast food. I've got to have something else. This more
prestigious. And so they're turning their nose up at just basic work, which is actually one
of the number one ingredients in the American dream is to work hard. You work hard, you can
become whatever you want. You can do whatever you want. It doesn't matter if you start with nothing,
but they're actually not okay, starting with nothing. And so then they're having a struggle.
So this is where we we're at. We've got adults who are worried. They're trying to help move the youth
along. Adults have always tried to teach teens to be responsible, that's a normal part of life. But
the thing is, is it's not sticking as much now, and that's the part that's really making people
struggle. Let's talk about what not to do and then what to do. But before we do that, click that
subscribe button. There's a lot of great stuff on here that you're not going to want to miss,
that are going to help you develop good, strong relationships with your teens and hey children
of any age, because everybody needs to learn about self-government. So click subscribe now.
So what should we not do? Number one, don't shame the children. Don't degrade your teen and tell
them how they're not amounting to anything and start a power struggle, that does not help at all,
especially if you have a strong-willed teenager, which a lot of people do have nowadays because
we live in the time of what I say, strong spirits. There's a lot of strong spirits right now who know
that they have to stand up for something. Now the problem is society's getting very
confusing as far as what to stand for and not to stand for. So these strong spirits are just
standing against parents oftentimes and any other authority figure because society's backing them up,
in that a later they'll figure out that might not have been the best way, and then they'll laugh it
off. But in the end, parents are saying, okay, how do we get past that? We've got this strong-willed
person who has a ton of potential but doesn't want to listen to a thing I say, doesn't want to take
any personal responsibility over this thing and this thing. If you look very carefully, you will
notice that most people will take responsibility over something that they care about. So it might
not be school. They're like, eh, I don't care. I don't want to go or it might not be hygiene
because maybe they really don't care because they never go see anybody or whatever it is but there
might be something that they care about and that will be there, something they take care of like a
pet, or maybe it might be a friend that they're always going to reach out to or something. They
will take responsibility in areas where they care. So the whole idea is to help them get to a place
of actual caring. This means they need vision. They need vision of where they're going and what
they need to accomplish or what they want to even accomplish. So number one, don't power struggle.
That doesn't really work. Giving ultimatums can be slightly motivating sometimes and sometimes can be
necessary. If you get a child who's like 17, 18, they're literally doing nothing with their life,
you might have to say, Hey, listen we're going to have to turn off some of the things,
the phones, the whatever. If you can't get moving on the adult life because this is your phase, this
is the role that you have right now in your life, and you've got to get moving. I mean, sometimes
you can say some things like that and it can be effective for a time, but for the long term, for
a person to care, no. So that's where you have to actually touch the heart, and that's where vision
is required. Another thing that you don't want to do, and this should be obvious, but just in
case there's anybody wondering, and that is don't baby them, okay? That's led a lot of times to the
problem. There's this coddling where somebody always will bail them out and do something for
them, and they haven't had the opportunity to fail, and because they've been babied. And so
the last thing you want to do is baby them. So that means what you do want to do then is
give them the opportunity to fail. Now, here's the thing is sometimes if they don't step out of
a comfort zone or won't take a risk, they also can't fail very easily. Although that is failure
in and of itself, they don't necessarily see it as failure because they see it as keeping themselves
protected. It's like the shy person who won't talk because they're technically trying to control
all of their social outcomes, but in reality, they didn't get anywhere. They got stuck, and that was
in the end, a failure even though they thought that they were being in control before, they ended
up losing control of their destiny, really. So they have to see a bigger picture, and sometimes
you have to help them develop that bigger picture. So what I would do in this circumstance to help my
child develop a bigger picture is I would have a special meeting with them. I call these parent
counseling sessions and I talk about how to have a really good parent counseling session in my TSG
parenting course or in my book, Parenting House United. So you can look for more information
there, but this is a one-on-one meeting that's just about one topic. It's not about everything
under the sun. It's not about the chores and the job and the phone and everything. It's about
one topic. So I would have a parent counseling session, and the topic in my mind would be vision
for the future. That would be the topic that I would start with, and I would say, okay, and maybe
we're on a drive. Maybe we go out to lunch. Maybe we're sitting out on the back patio, I don't know
what we're doing, and I say, I've been thinking about your life and your plans for your life. What
do you hope that your life is if you're going to be successful, what do you hope that it would look
like? And then see what they have to say. Well, I mean, I want to make a lot of money. Okay, that's
good. That's one thing. Well, I want to have a family or maybe they don't. I mean, the big
shocker would say, I want to live in your basement and play video games for the rest of my life until
you die and then gather your inheritance. Well then if they have been thinking ahead,
that's not very productive. So hopefully you don't get that one. But usually they're going to tell
you something that they want with their life. Most people do want something unless they're in total
depression, in which case you're going to want to help them out with that. Then you would say, okay,
well those are really good things that you're wanting. So what we need to do is figure out how
to help you take steps toward those things and when I see our relationship, when I see your life,
this is what I see. So you maybe push out a little picture there and say, so now let's start taking,
let's backstep it. Let's start taking steps for where you could be going with your life.
And then you can say, well, if you're going to make a lot of money, then we got to figure out
what you're going to do. How are you going to get this money? Is it going to be a job of some sort?
Are you going to own your own business or are you going to work for somebody else? And if so,
what's it going to be and what would have to come before that and then before that,
and then before that. So you start making these steps to help them work toward their goals. And
so then based on that bigger picture of what they have for themselves, that vision for themselves,
then in your weekly meetings that we talk about how to do in my teaching self-government course
then you'll start having, you'll make small goals, little goals that help baby step toward
that bigger vision so you can help move them forward. Are they going to fall sometimes? Yes,
that's the nature of a goal, but still talking about a goal is better than not talking about
a goal and regardless of if a person actually accomplishes the goal or not talking about it is
at least one powerful step in the right direction. So you're going to have regular meetings,
you're going to follow up with the person and help them take some of those little baby steps along,
and this is going to help them feel like they have some sort of a support system. Now, some people
don't want to take any of those baby steps. You need to be aware of that, and that's where there
might come a point where you have to say, listen, we have to have a timeline for some
of these things, and there's going to actually be a deadline and might even be some negative
consequences if things don't happen according to the deadline because that is really important.
They have to learn that part of becoming an adult is stepping out of their comfort zone,
and they learn to do this when they're in their teen years. And if they're able to just stay in
your house and play on a game, so console and only see friends online or whatever it is, and just
text people and not have to be with people for all of these years of their life, then they've missed
that opportunity to launch into adulthood, and they're going to probably be having some pretty
hard knocks because of that later on. So it is important to try and help them set some of those
little baby steps. So one thing is keep a hopeful attitude. That's one thing you're definitely going
to want to do. Just because they're struggling with some of their things with responsibility,
that doesn't mean they're going to struggle with everything. Maybe they'll do good at managing
their money, but they won't do good at getting their chores done, or maybe it could be just
vice versa. So there are certain key things that you can do to help a team develop responsibility,
and one of those things is to really build up to some of those rights of passage. So driving a car,
that's one of those rights of passage that we really need to motivate our teens to do, to want
to do because that is going to help them want to take responsibility. That's a big responsibility
right there and then there's the gas that comes with it and the insurance that comes with it,
and all the things that maybe you're going to pay the insurance, but still then they have to
pay the gas or at least talk to you about the gas or whatever it is, however you work out,
those types of things. I really tried to give my children the greatest possibility to self-sustain
as early as possible when it comes to money and speaking of as early as possible. And by the way,
I have a whole video on this channel so you can definitely look that up. I look a little
different. I was more chubby back then before I lost a lot of weight, but you'll be able to
see that that was all about how to help children manage money. So definitely look that up. When my
children are aged 12, I give them the opportunity to pay for all of their own clothing and any other
special things like souvenirs when we go places or gifts for people that they want to buy gifts for,
or if they want to like, oh, I want to go to Lagoon with my friends or whatever,
they can pay for it. And that means they have to also start then figuring out how to earn
the money. And I talk about what options we give them and how to help them get down that track. But
earning money and budgeting your money and having a responsibility to pay for certain things with
your money, this is something that also gets a person going. So that's another one of those rite
of passages ,things you help a person get a job and inspire them to get a job because that's going to
help them become a really productive adult. You also help nurture relationships with other people,
so a relationship with a pet, relationship with siblings, relationship with friends,
maybe even girlfriends and boyfriends as they get to that age. But you would nurture those things
so that they can learn how to be responsible in a relationship so that they can go through some
of those bumpy patches so that later they can have good relationships. So when they're in
their teens, they mess up all kinds of things and the relationships, I mean, we see it happen left,
right? But that's what it's about. Being a teen, you learn those kinds of things and then you take
that personal responsibility. Time management is probably the beast. That's the one that nobody
wants. The parents are so sick of talking about it and nagging about it, and the teens are so sick
of hearing about it because they just feel tired all the time because they're going through puberty
and they've got all the hormones flowing and all the different things. But in the end that time
management, if they can decide to take control of that and you can give some keys for how to do
time management, then they'll be successful. And I actually have a whole series of videos on this
channel about time management for teaching your children time management and teaching yourself
time management and both of those things would be very helpful for helping your teens learn time
management so that they can take responsibility of their time as well. As you see, there are so
many things that we could talk about of what to do, what not to do. One of the key things that
you can do is teach your teen how to analyze themselves, how to see what's calm and what's
not calm in their behavior and in their thoughts, how to communicate better with other people. This
teaches them responsibility over their actions, thoughts, emotions, all those kinds of things
that really can be empowering for them for the future. There are so many things I could talk
about related to that topic because that topic is central to learning how to govern yourself,
which is what me and this channel is all about. Be sure to go to another video after this. This is a
full length class. It's all about self-government, different skills and stuff that you might need and
could be very beneficial to teach your teenager. That class is called the Not So Known Secret for
Parenting Success, so please go to the not so known secret for parenting success today and get
on the track to self-government, responsibility and good communication. We'll see you there.