breaking up gracefully so this is a lesson I've never done a teaching on this in the church
but I believe that this lesson will help some people
though we desire through courtship for our relationship to go into marriage
that arch cases and there are situations where a relationship does not work out
and today you're going to learn on how to identify that relationship and what to do with that
relationship signs that you might need to break up number one when a person does not share your faith
your values and your vision number two when those in authority do not support your relationship
number three when you're trying to change that person
number four when you're being you're being abused controlled and manipulated in a relationship
number five there is no attraction number six your gut says you're making a mistake number
seven a person is lying to you and is cheating on you and number eight you guys are always fighting
if you're dating or in courtship and these signs are present especially more than one or two
no matter how difficult it is for you to listen to the next few minutes, you already know what
you must do and what I want to share with you is how to do it properly before you break up know the
difference between preferences and deal breakers now every relationship will have preferences
certain things that maybe you had an expectation and someone said the person
that you're going to marry most likely will meet 80 of your expectations and there's going
to be 20 that they are not going to meet because sometimes our expectations are a little bit crazy
and so there are preferences that we would have and expectations that we will have and not all
of them will be met even if you are in that stage right now where you feel like this person
is exactly what I wanted a hundred percent that's not true because
nobody can be that person there's going to be always something that this person could change
or do better even in the perfect relationship eighty percent is really what you are looking
for and then twenty percent is what they're going to be missing it's the reality of life
but the difference between deal-breakers things like abuse things like a person is doing drugs
things like person is lying to you things like nobody in your mentorship parents or even friends
support that relationship things like you know there's red flags this person doesn't follow
and does not have your convictions and does not have your vision things like you're always
fighting these are not preferences these are deal breakers so know the difference between these two
it's a funny story about uh you know when I met my wife you know at first it seemed like man she's a
hundred percent and she is what I wanted great blessing and beautiful and Godly
graceful woman but my wife had um did not have a straight teeth now I understand
what I'm about to tell you this is just my story so take it with a grain of salt
and when she would smile you know like her side teeth would kind of really really stand out
and it kind of like I don't know just a little bit bothered me when I was dating
but you know I looked in the mirror and I looked at myself and how not so handsome I
was so I was like you know what I think I can live with that it's not a deal-breaker for me
and never once I mentioned that to her never once in fact when we were married I never once
brought it out once in a while I would notice it but it wasn't a deal-breaker for me until about
few months into our marriage my wife noticed and mentioned that she's like you know i wanted to
um straighten my teeth and you know take with braces on but you know I never had the money and
you know it's our young marriage we don't have the money right now I was like
well we can find money and I'm like very I used to be very stingy she's like really
and I was like yeah for you anything it was like 5,000 us dollars, it's a lot of money
and because you know it's something that bothered me a little bit I was willing to
to pay any price for that and it made me very happy to know that you know it bothered her
but that's a preference I could have lived with it with no problem whatsoever and never once bring it
up because I was happy and I was satisfied and preferences should not be deal breakers
but deal breakers should never be treated as preferences so before you break up know
the difference between a preference and a deal breaker number two talk to God pray about it
before you go and ask other people what they think ask god what he thinks about this
number three have an honest conversation with the person, you are courting or dating
let's say that you have deal breakers have an honest conversation with them about this
issue or that issue don't break up until you have a conversation talk with them running it up maybe
there's a misunderstanding maybe there's something about their past you don't know
maybe there's something you're missing so having an honest conversation a lot of people
don't have honest conversations because they're expecting the other person to read their mind
the person you are in relationship with is not a mind reader and they're not a
prophet they're a person and you have to have an honest conversation with them
next one get advice from mentors you trust after having a conversation you notice maybe things are
not changing or maybe things are changing bring your mentors along let them speak some wisdom let
them speak you know from their experience things into your life that whether this is a deal-breaker
or not whether you are overthinking whether you're just being emotional whether this is just a drama
queen in you that is stirring that up maybe you're super hyper-spiritual and pays attention to too
many prophetic words and it messes you up and you're not thinking straight so bring mentors
in who can help you to think more clearly and see this from a more of a balanced view and last one
if there was something that the person committed that you see that they need forgiveness for
forgive them now if they cheated or they continuously lie or if they abuse drugs or
this and that you know forgiving someone also does not mean that you trust them and it does
not mean that you covered it under the carpet and go and get married just because they wept
cried you feel sorry for them and because they promise they'll never do it again
forgiveness and trust are not the same forgiveness does not mean restoration and reconciliation
sometimes forgiveness leads to that but there are cases and many of them but forgiveness is just
forgiveness you forgive that person but it doesn't mean that you have a future with that person
now how to break up you may say well I know how to break up you just break up
not really that's not really how it's done number one don't do it over a text message or email
one of the worst things that you can do if you already know someone you've had a relationship
with them is to break up over a text message you owe that person to see your feelings to hear your
words and your presence it's a cowardly act to break up over an email and over a text message
it's disrespectful it's really hurting and it doesn't give that person a chance for a
proper closure number two avoid saying things that are hurtful or diminishing to that person
avoid destroying the person remember you're ending a relationship not a person
your goal is to kill the horse not the rider so you don't attack the person even if
it was their fault even if what they did you forgave but you cannot move on do not destroy
the person in the process they are made in the image and likeness of God that God's creation
and just because this relationship doesn't work out it doesn't mean you have to destroy and wreck
person's identity and sense of worth number three don't be friends with your ex create a distance
now it doesn't mean that you don't have to be friendly it doesn't mean that you doesn't
mean that you have to hate them meaning you can't continue friendship close friendship with your ex
especially if you're gonna get married to someone else it will create friction in your relationship
creating distance is better even if you're mature enough they are mature but being close friends
and being people who go out have to have a good time and everything
will create problems for you in the future and in the beginning when you break up
you will have a difficult time getting over if you keep the relationship close and alive
don't over-spiritualize the reasons for your breakup be honest and speak the truth in love
if I'm gonna hear one more person who's going to say well God told me we're not supposed
to be together or use some kind of a dream or prophetic thing um if that happens to a person
like that drop them run away from them people who over-spiritualize things all the time and they're
always led by prophecies they are not stable and they're not mature you should not build your
relationship on prophecies you should build it on love of mutual respect and on the word of God
because if a person is moved constantly by dreams and visions prophetic things and how they feel in
their heart and everything that person will be unstable in their ways men shall not live their
bread alone but by every word live by God's word instead of your feelings so don't spiritualize
things say the truth be honest and speak the truth in love number five grieve take time to heal and
emotionally disconnect just because relationship ended it does not mean you are disconnected
when the person stops playing guitar it does not mean the strengths are detached
a lot of times you can still be emotionally connected to that person for a few months
they recommend it takes from 6 to 12 months from dating after you break up
especially if you had a serious relationship for your heart to get free from that person
and so when you go into the next relationship you won't be doing it trying to punish your
ex or trying to get a healing from your ex by trying to connect to someone who's next
number six get support from a counselor life group close friends and family don't do this alone
don't walk alone if you are the one who broke up if you're the one that somebody broke with
or broke up with you you will be hurting it will be painful but you can get through this
with someone around you if you will isolate yourself from other people the devil will present
temptations that will be difficult to resist like alcohol drugs immorality pornography bench
watching you know tv shows depression anxiety and nightmares and then it will go into overeating
then it will go into an or it could go into anorexia and other things you can grieve
properly by allowing people to come into your life and by allowing God's presence to heal the wounds
that maybe this breakup has created number seven take a break from dating from 6 to 12 months
pause get yourself back figure yourself out find out why. Why and what went wrong where
did you miss the red flags you know get yourself healed get yourself home don't
jump into the next relationship without first being healed and restored from the previous one