In our personal phase of self-development
people are learning
how to have connection and closeness in relationship,
at the same time as how to maintain
a sense of self, autonomy
at the exact same time.
What this means is that people struggle a lot
between these two polarized forms of pain,
one being enmeshment,
which is the loss of self
and the other being isolation,
which is loss of connection and closeness with others.
Now, because of this struggle,
people become incredibly confused
and also find it very hard to see themselves
and what they're doing or not doing, clearly.
This is especially true
when a person has experienced either trauma,
enmeshment, being loss of self,
or isolation, loss of connection with others.
But today, I'm going to expose a pattern to you
that tends to crop up in people
who have suffered from trauma relative to enmeshment.
Disclaimer (pause video to read):
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Autonomy having a sense of self, versus other,
is an important part of physical existence for a person within a social group.
So is a sense of closeness and connection.
What people need is to be able to have themselves,
and have other people too, at the same time.
To understand more about this, watch my video titled:
The Freedom/Connection Split Within Humanity
Enmeshment essentially,
does not allow for you to have a sense of self,
while being in connection or closeness
with other people at the same time.
In an enmeshed relationship,
there's no recognition or acceptance of actual boundaries.
Of course, I need you to remember
that a boundary is nothing more than an imaginary line
that defines your unique thoughts,
feelings, desires, needs, preferences...
from the rest of the universe.
Therefore,
in an enmeshed relationship
it means that if you're the one that's enmeshed,
the other person does not actually recognize or accept
or even see your unique feelings,
thoughts, preferences, aversions, desires
anything that uniquely defines you.
In fact, differentiating yourself
implies that there's going to be a consequence.
So, what you choose to do in this type of a relationship
is you either choose to give yourself up,
or, you choose those consequences.
You have to face them.
In other words, you either choose to face those consequences
or in order to maintain harmony in the relationship
and closeness,
you have to give yourself up and mirror the other person
so that your thoughts, feelings, needs and desires
and truth and choices
are either the same as theirs,
or what they want them to be.
Another way of saying this is, you comply.
If you would like to understand enmeshment in a more in-depth way
I strongly encourage you to watch my video titled:
How To Heal Family Enmeshment Trauma
Long story short,
so many people that are alive today
don't actually believe it's possible
to have a strong sense of themselves,
at the same time
as being closely connected to other people.
What they believe
is that they either
have to give themselves up and comply
in order to get that closeness,
or, in order to have a sense of self,
they have to rebel against other people.
What all this adds up to,
is that so many people alive today
are caught in this pendulum swing
between compliance and rebellion.
Now, what we know about these pendulum swings
any of you who may have watched my video
that I did on the pendulum swing in healing,
is that any one of these pendulum swing extremes
creates dysfunction.
So, both is an unhealthy extreme.
Conformity vs. Resistance
Okay?
The thing to understand is that neither of these states are healthy.
Neither of these states are free.
And neither of these states are empowered.
So many people simply give themselves up
to have a relationship with someone.
So many people spend their life in the disempowered state of rebellion
imagining themselves to finally be empowered,
when in reality, in a state of rebellion
their life is still controlled
by the same person they tried to break free from.
So that you can better understand what I mean,
I'm gonna give you an actual example:
A woman grew up in a house
with a verbally abusive dictatorial father
who would slap her across the face for disobedience.
This little girl,
when she was growing up
learned that there was no room
for personal boundaries in the household.
The only way she was going to be able to get her own needs met
and to stay safe,
was to obey and to comply.
Another way putting this is,
the only way to actually thrive in this environment
is to become the "pleaser"
and to please this man.
This woman spent her life complying.
And as a result,
suffering from all the different things
that come along with enmeshment trauma.
Then, she hit a breaking point.
Essentially, she hit a point
where she decided to rebel against her father.
she put her foot down
and as a result,
she was disowned.
Now, when she was disowned by her father,
she got something and she lost something.
What she lost was all the needs
that were being met through the connection
and through that sense of belonging
that she got being part of the family
and part of his life.
There's a lot more needs where that comes from.
What she gained was a sense of herself.
A sense of having a boundary for the first time.
Now, that actually felt empowering.
But, obviously,
this whole experience of being disowned by dad
as a result of, you know,
essentially, having a boundary,
having a sense of self,
created very real trauma.
She transferred this entire traumatic experience
onto the next authority figure, the government.
She spent her life politically fixated.
Any time there was a rally to attend,
she went to it determined to stick it to the man.
To her, this felt empowering
and definitely made her feel a strong sense of selfhood.
But, from a higher perspective
she was still completely controlled by her father.
Her life had first been lived for him,
and then had been lived against him.
In essence, her entire life was about him.
Therefore, he was always the one in control of her life.
But, because rebellion
feels so much more empowered than compliance,
people fail to see that when they're in the state of rebellion
they're every bit as disempowered and enmeshed
as when they were complying.
And they fail to realize that dedicating your life
to being against someone or something is a recipe for suffering.
If you feel that you fall into the "risk category"
relative to this pattern,
then I want you to start to live by one question:
"Am I complying, or am I rebelling?"
From there, I want you to make whatever situation that you're in
not about the other person at all.
Meaning, I want you to take them out of the equation.
Imagine there is no one
or nothing there to comply with or push against.
If you suddenly found yourself away from them
in a vacuum of space and time but aware of the situation,
what are your personal feelings,
your personal thoughts,
your personal integrity,
your personal desires,
your personal needs
and therefore, most importantly your personal truth.
What are you for, instead of against?
What do you want, instead of not want?
What would you think, say or do
if there were no consequences in this scenario?
This is the beginning of stepping into a place of free will
within the context of relationships.
And free will is not about compliance,
any more than free will is about rebellion.
Free will is essentially about personal choice.
Where people in society need to go
is towards free will in relationships.
This implies both autonomy and alignment
at the same time.
For this reason it may benefit you to watch my video titled:
How To Create A Safe Relationship
A little known fact
is that the actions that you will take
as a result of being powerfully aware of what you are for,
are going to be completely different
than the actions that you will take
as a result of being consciously aware
of what you are against.
It is as important to establish a sense of self
that is not dependent on opposition in order to exist,
as it is to establish connection
that is not dependent on compliance or obedience.
True empowerment and true freedom
do not lie in either extreme
of compliance or of rebellion.
Your life does not have to be reduced
to nothing more than a reaction to other people.
Step into a genuine form of empowerment,
truth and freedom, instead.
Have a good week.
If you liked this video,
be sure to share it, like it and also subscribe to my channel
so you can see more content like this.
But I wanna personally thank you for taking the initiative
and having the bravery to step into the space of awareness.
Not only for yourself, but for the benefit of those around you.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com