Alright, so it's Halloween time now.
Which means it's also Pumpkin Patch time.
It's time to go get a pumpkin,
carve it up nice and scary,
and put it outside for all the little trick-or-treaters to see.
"Mommy, that witch pumpkin sure is scary!"
"Don't look at it, little Susie."
"Legend has it that she eats little children and gets DWIs."
Now, when I was a kid,
I would always go to the Pumpkin Patch with my friend David.
And it was a pretty good time.
His mom would take us and let us run amok,
while she would go get hot apple cider and look at dumbass decorations,
you know, Moms' shit.
So off we go to the Pumpkin Patch,
and on this year in particular it's a little different,
because this year we brought our friend Michael along.
And Michael is an idiot,
which I've said many a many of cartoon.
His ass doesn't know how to pick out a good pumpkin.
It's a big deal when you're a kid, you got to get the perfect pumpkin.
"My God, that's perfectly round, it's the correct shade of orange,
and it's smoother than the bare ass of a nine-month-old, I'll take it!"
Meanwhile you got Michael over there,
"Check out this weird-looking pumpkin!"
"Doesn't it kind of, look like a dragon?"
"Michael, that is a goddamn squash, you idiot!"
"And it looks more like a goddamn penis, than a dragon!"
So there we are, we got our pumpkins,
we're walking around the Pumpkin Patch with Michael's dick-shaped squash.
"Look, I've got a dragon, blah-blah-blah-blah!"
"Hey, check it out, that kid's waving around a fucking sex toy!"
"Well, this Pumpkin Patch is really going to shit."
Now, at this Pumpkin Patch, there's a few other things to do,
besides picking out pumpkins.
But it wasn't really anything special.
I mean, they tried to spice everything up to make it sound really fun and exciting.
"You guys wanna go on this
Super, Amazing, One-Of-A-Kind, Jaw-Dropping, 'Holy Shit' hay ride?"
"Yeah, that sounds sweet, let's do it!"
"Wow! Whoopee!"
They'd have like one rickety-ass carnival ride,
that was super haphazard and dangerous as hell.
"You kids wanna ride on the Fireball?
"Uh, why do you call it the Fireball?"
"Uh, because last year it caught on fire and murdered a whole school field trip!"
"Oh, okay, sounds like fun!"
(Click!)
(Boom!)
(Thud, glass shatters)
But the one decent thing that this Pumpkin Patch had,
had to be the corn maze.
And this corn maze was huge.
This ain't no back-of-the-cereal-box bullshit maze,
that you can figure out in 9 seconds, no!
This was a giant fucking hedge maze, from the Shining type deal.
"Do you guys wanna go in this Super-Duper, Mega Monster, 'Holy Hell' corn maze?"
"What the hell, a corn maze?!"
"Why the fuck would you want to get lost on purpose?"
"Well, what else are we gonna do? Go on the Fireball again?"
"No, no, no, I'm not trying to break my pelvis on the goddamn Fireball."
"All right, let's go ahead and do this stupid corn maze then!"
So we walk in there, and at first it's kind of fun.
"Uh, I guess it's not too bad, it's kind of neat!"
But then 20 minutes go by, and you're like,
"Get me the fuck out of here!"
"Who the hell decided to get lost on purpose, what a bad idea this was!"
So now we're running out of time,
David's mom is already at the check-out, buying our pumpkins.
"Why, that's a very well-endowed squash you have there, ma'am."
"Uh, thank you."
So at this point we're not even having fun anymore.
"Ah, fuck this! Let's just keep going left!"
"If we keep going left, we'll get out of here."
"Michael, you idiot, if you go left three times,
you'll just end up at the same spot you were just at."
"Why don't just your Christopher Columbus ass leave it to me?"
So now we've been stuck in this corn maze for a goddamn eternity.
Who knows how long it was, 20, maybe 30 fucking minutes, who knows!
A long-ass time for being in a goddamn corn maze, that's for sure!
Also we got Michael starting to freak out,
"Oh my God, this is just like The Blair Witch Project!"
"We're gonna die in this goddamn woods!"
"You got a map? Where's the map at?"
"Did you kick the map in the river?!"
"We're all gonna fucking die!"
"Michael, calm down, Jesus!"
"It's about survival at this point!"
"We've been in here for 30 minutes,
starvation is gonna kick in at any minute,
somebody has to volunteer to get eaten."
"Ready, one, two, three, not it!"
- Not it. - Not it, oh God damn it!
"Look, if we would have just kept going left, nobody would have to be eaten."
"To hell with you, guys, I'm going out on my own!"
So Michael takes off on his own,
all set with his 'go left only' approach.
"Wow, he's such an idiot!"
"Have fun going in circles, you stupid idiot!"
So now we're down to the two of us.
And if we don't get out of here quick, David's mom is gonna start freaking out,
we're gonna have our faces on milk cartoons and shit.
So we continue walking around,
wandering around aimlessly, like a couple of idiots.
"I wonder if Michael made it out yet."
"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Michael's ass is probably dead by now."
"We just have to stay focused."
Eventually, we reach the point,
where we're not gonna be able to figure out this goddamn corn maze.
So what do we decide to do?
Well, we cheat is what we do.
We keep looking over the goddamn corn stalks
to try to figure out where the fuck we are in life.
Try to get a general idea of which direction to head in.
"Oh, I think we're almost out of here!"
"I can see the Fireball murdering children left and right."
So finally, we get out of this god-forsaken corn maze,
we stumble outside the exit,
except it wasn't really the exit,
it was the goddamn entrance!
"Holy Hell, we just walked around this stupid-ass corn maze all for nothing?!"
To make matters worse,
Michael's already out there, waiting for us with his goddamn wiener squash.
Motherfucker just kept going left and got out of there!
"Yeah, I told you it worked, who looks the stupid idiot now?!"
"Hey kid, drop that fucking sex toy, you're scaring the children!"
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