♪♪♪♪
-Where are these clients?
Peggy, what time is it?
-Oh, don't ask me. I'm just a woman.
I'm not allowed to own a watch
-With good reason.
I'm starving. I'm just going to eat something.
-Oh, I wouldn't until Don gets here.
-He won't care, trust me.
-Campbell, put the sandwich down.
It's for clients. -Come on, Don!
-Fine.
Do whatever you want.
-Campbell.
Put the sandwich down.
-Yes, sir. -Who calls in the morning
and expects an ad pitch on the same day?
-Clients. -Rich clients.
-Mr. Sterling, Mr. Draper, your clients have arrived.
-Send them in, Miss Holloway
-I'm leaving. Want to watch?
-Ready to hear some pitches, babe?
-Yeah.
-And now, "Two A-Holes at an Ad Agency in the 1960s.
-Welcome. My name's Don Draper.
-Your hair looks hard. -Yeah.
Okay. And you look lovely, Miss...
-I'm sick. -O...kay.
Great. Well, please have a seat.
Would you like something to drink?
-You want a drink, babe? -Yeah.
-Yeah, she wants something to drink.
-Yeah, I heard her.
Uh... What would you like?
-What do you want, babe? -Guess.
-She wants you to guess. -Yes, I heard her.
Gimlet? -Martini?
-Harvey Wallbanger? -Grasshopper?
-Ovaltine? -Oh, I know.
She probably wants an egg cream.
-I want a sandwich with lettuce. -Yeah, she's hungry now.
-Oh, well, all this food is for you.
Help yourself.
-They got us food, babe. -Yay.
-That's ours.
That's ours now.
That's ours. That's ours.
You can have that. -Yeah, okay. Great.
Should we move on?
-You want to move on, babe
-I need a light for my cigarette.
-I got it.
There you go, babe. Want me to spark it?
Want me to spark it, babe?
Want me to spark your cigarette?
Cigarette, babe?
Spark it?
Spark-a-rette? -Here. Allow me.
-Smoking's queer.
-Yeah, she doesn't smoke. -All right.
Before we get started, I have to be honest.
We received the prototype for your product,
and we're a bit confused.
What is this?
-It's a hula hoop with a strap on it.
Show them how it works, babe
Look at this. Put it on like that.
Check it.
Look how much fun she's having Look at her face.
-I have to say, I am at a loss for words.
-Yeah, 'cause it's brilliant, right?
-No, because I don't know how to sell it.
-I know how to sell it.
Celebrity endorsements, like Marilyn Monroe.
You guys know who Marilyn Monroe is?
-Yes, of course. -Yeah.
Babe, do your Marilyn Monroe impression.
-Happy birthday.
-You guys get it, huh?
You get it, bangs?
-Yes, it's funny. -Yeah.
Marilyn Monroe. Silver fox, you get it?
-It's a good one. -Yeah.
What about you, gay guy?
-Who? Me?
-Well, uh, I...
I'm sorry. I guess we need a little more time.
-Now, wait. Wait.
It's true this hula hoop wit suspenders doesn't do anything
Nowadays, when we're expecte to maintain our jobs,
our families, our bodies, and our mortality,
isn't doing nothing the ultimate luxury?
We spend our lives jumping through hoops.
Isn't it time we relaxed inside of one?
'Cause none of us are angels
but don't we all occasionall deserve a halo?
Gentlemen, these suspender
aren't holding up some plastic ring.
They're suspending reality
They're suspending our childhood.
And this isn't just a hula hoop.
It's the circle of life.
-So, what do you say?
-No. -It's stupid.
-All righty, then. I'll see you out.
It's noon. I'm on my way to the bar anyway.
-Wait.
Your pocket square looks like a rabbit.
-So it does.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Projector running ]
[ Applause ]
-And now, "Two A-Holes Work Out with a Trainer."
♪♪♪♪
-You work here? -Yes, I do.
Can I help you?
-Yeah, we're supposed to meet up with some trainer.
What's his name, babe?
-It's Matt. -Yeah.
Go get Matt.
-Oh, actually, I'm Matt. Were you guys my 2:00?
-Is that us, babe? -Yeah.
-Yeah, it's us.
-Okay, well, you know, now it's 2:55.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, don't worry.
We got here at 2:00. -What?
You were here at 2:00? Why didn't you come find me?
-Why didn't you come find us
-I didn't know what you looked like?
-You do now.
-Okay. Um...
Well, I'll tell you what,
I've got a half-hour before I need to leave
if you want me to at least get you started.
-What do you think, babe? -I don't care.
-We don't care. -Okay.
Well, what do you guys normally do for exercise?
-What we do, babe? -For what?
-For exercise. -For what?
-For exercise. -Do you guys sell boxes?
-Yeah, we're moving today.
-No, we don't sell boxes.
Just -- How about you guys
just answer a couple of fitness questions, okay
-That okay, babe? -Yeah.
-Yeah, shoot. -Okay, fine.
Now that you have a trainer, what are your goals?
-I wanna own a horse.
-No, I meant, physically, what are your goals?
-Oh, right, right, right. I got you.
I wanna physically own a horse
-Okay. Great.
What about you?
-I wanna lose 45 pounds.
-Wait. Did you -- Did you say 45 pounds?
-Yeah, don't forget about my horse.
-No, I got the horse. Thanks, yeah.
Miss, losing 45 pounds would not be good for you.
-Okay, then I want a horse, too.
-Yeah. We'll take two physical horses
-You know what? Let's just skip the questions.
Okay, how about you hop on the treadmill
so I can, you know, measure your heart rate?
You've used one of these before, right?
-Yeah. -Okay, great.
-Good job, babe.
You have fun? -Yeah.
It's like the sidewalk on "The Jetsons."
-Right.
You know what "The Jetsons" are?
-Yes, I know what "The Jetsons" are, yeah.
-She can do the voice of their dog, Astro.
Babe, do your Astro voice.
Astro voice, go.
-Rye, Relroy.
-She said, "Bye, Elroy." -Yeah, I got it.
Yeah. -He does Shaggy.
-Yeah, the guy from "Scooby-Doo."
-Yes.
So, are you gonna do it or...?
-No.
-Okay, fine. Why don't we just--
-Zoinks.
-Look, folks, not to be rude but the two of you have wasted
more than an hour of my time, you know?
The last thing it seems like you wanna do is exercise.
You don't even know how to use the treadmill.
I mean, why are you even here?
Okay.
Now you're just staring at me.
Did I offend you?
Wow. This is absurd.
Never happened to me before.
I don't know how to feel. Um...
I'm kind of mad.
I'm embarrassed.
I guess I'm mostly embarrassed
I have to go now, okay?
I'm gonna be leaving, all right?
Goodbye.
-Great workout, babe. -Yeah, I'm sweating.
-Yeah.
Give me a little more Astro, babe.
-Roo rook rike a rabbit. -Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-And now, "Two A-Holes at a Travel Agency."
♪♪♪♪
-Hi, come on in.
What can I help you folks with today?
Have a seat.
-Yeah, we wanna take a trip.
What kind you got?
-Well, we have all sorts of travel packages.
Do you know where you want to go?
-Where you wanna go, babe? -I don't care.
-We don't care.
-Okay. Well, I can help you with that.
Would you like to go someplace warm?
-What do you think, babe? -About what?
-The warmth. -The what?
-The warmth.
-Can I have a diet ginger ale? -Yeah, I'll take a lemonade.
-Uh, we don't serve drinks here, but we do have water.
-Do you want water, babe? -I hate water.
-She hates water.
-Well, I guess a cruise is out of the question, then, huh
-Yeah, we don't get it.
-Should he be showing us pictures or something?
-Yeah, you guys got brochures?
-Of course.
Here are a few of our popular destinations,
all very beautiful.
Are you familiar at all with the Yucatan?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that place.
You know that place, babe?
-You know Yucatan?
-You heard about that place, right, babe?
-Babe, Yucatan? -Yeah.
-Yeah, we know it. -Great.
Would you like me to pull up some more information for you?
-I don't know. You wanna go there, babe?
-Where's your ATM?
-Yeah, she gotta check her balance.
-Uh, look, folks, we don't have one of those here.
There is a 7-Eleven across the street.
-Mm-hmm. Wanna go over there, babe?
-I want to go to Europe. -You guys know where Europe is
-Yes, we know where Europe is.
Did you have someplace specifi that you wanted to go?
Someplace specific in mind
-Yeah, what you think, babe? -I want to drive there.
-Yeah, we want to do that.
-You can't drive to Europe
-Can if I drive a boat.
-So you want to rent a boa and drive it to Europe?
-What street are we on? -Yeah, where are we?
-Look, why don't you two think about this some more
and when you narrow it down to a few places, come back, okay?
-I know where I want to go -All right, we got it, buddy
Where you wanna go, babe?
-England. -Okay.
England's great. It's a big place.
There's London, Brighton's very nice.
Did you have some place in mind?
-I wanna go to Hogwarts.
-You mean from the "Harry Potter" books?
-Yeah, you guys got trips to that magic school?
-Sir, that's not a real place.
-Mm-hmm, all right. They don't go there, babe.
You probably got to go onlin for that, right?
Something like Orbitz or something?
-No, it's a fictional place.
You cannot go there.
-Right, right, right. Gotta wait till summer.
The wizards are out of school, right?
-No, never. It's impossible.
You can never go to Hogwarts
It doesn't exist. -It's invisible, right.
-Look, you obviously don't kno where it is that you want to go,
so why don't you go home and think it over,
and come back when you've made up your minds
-I want to go there. -Where?
-Where you wanna go, babe? -I want to go there.
-Ma'am, that's a poster of an airplane.
-I know. I want to go there.
-Yeah, we'll go there. How much?
-Get out. Get the hell out of here.
-They're closin', babe.
-Can you rub my shoulders? I slept weird.
-Yeah, you guys do back rubs here?
-Leave!
-Make me a grilled cheese.
-Fine. You know what?
I'm gonna go in the back, and I'm gonna get some coffee.
When I come back, you two better be gone.
-He looked like a rabbit. -Yeah.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]