Have you ever had sex with someone
just to get rid of them?
WHOOPING
Yes, thank you. Confirmation. Thank you.
I don't feel so weird now.
No, honestly, it's just the best way sometimes. You're like,
"OK, look, you got what you came for. Now bugger off."
Do you know what I mean? It's so terrible, but I think part of it
is the way that we date these days
because it's always on apps, and so the problem is all of that
getting-to-know-you stuff that you would normally spend
the first four or five dates on, all that stuff is blown on WhatsApp
in the first week before you ever even meet that person, right?
So you have nothing to talk about. You may as well do it.
And, like, when you have those conversations,
that's all that date stuff, right?
You're finding out about his hopes and dreams,
he's learning about your background.
And then there's always that one night where the texting goes
a little too late into the night and it starts to get a little seedy
and all of his emojis change from the neutral yellow ones
to the turgid purple ones.
You know, it's all devil horns and aubergine
and you're like, "OK, well, you know, like, obviously
"this is going to end in wanking
"cos, like, he's definitely having a wank right now.
"and I'm going to have one
"cos Goddamn it, I'm a feminist, all right? So tit for tat, OK?"
So then you've virtually just had sex
with this person, basically, right?
So, like, the next day is when the reality sets in,
cos that's when you start to notice
all the things you were ignoring before.
You're just like, "I could swear to God he knew how to spell 'your'
"yesterday, but he's done it wrong like three separate times.
"Like, I can't have sex with a dumbass.
"Like, that's not a trait I want to pass on to my imaginary children
"I'm never going to have. Come on, like,
"I don't know if stupid is contagious.
"It might be the worst STD out there, it's just stupid.
"Like, maybe this guy will literally fuck my brains out.
"That's not something I can go for."
So, like, now I'm like, "I just got to meet him really, really fast
"and get this over with." So I've been on like five Bumble dates
in the past three months
and they've all gone pretty much the same, right?
So I'll show up to the agreed-upon pub 15 minutes late
cos I read that listicle that was like,
"make him wait for it, girl. Mmmm, you do you."
You know? Whatever, right?
Put on a full face of make-up and then took half of it off
so I didn't look desperate, right?
So I get there - three levels of pub.
This guy is nowhere to be found. I even check the toilets.
He is not here, OK?
And then I get a text 20 minutes after that saying,
"Oh, sorry, the District line's acting up.
"I'll be there as soon as possible."
And I'm like, "Likely story, asshole. I'm checking TfL."
Right? So...
So, like, I can't start eating cos that's what we're going to do,
so I just have to go to the bar
and get myself an extra large glass of red wine
so that by the time he shows up, I'm a rip-shit drunk.
Ready to meet my future husband.
I got my dress tucked into my panties. Let's do this, all right?