WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"."
LONGTIME VIEWERS OF THIS PROGRAM KNOW FROM TIME TO TIME WE DO A
SEGMENT ON THE SHOW WHERE WE TELL LIES ABOUT LITTLE PUPPIES
TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO ADOPT THEM.
TO MAKE THEM EVEN MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN THEY ORDINARILY
ARE.
SO IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF
"RESCUE DOG RESCUE"!
WELCOME TO "RESCUE DOG RESCUE!" GENETIC TO "RESCUE DOG RESCUE."
A REMINDER: ALL THE PUPPIES WE HAVE HERE TONIGHT ARE ACTUAL
ADOPTABLE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA.
JIM, ARE YOU READY TO LIE ABOUT SOME PUPPIES TO FIND THEM GOOD
HOMES?
>> NO, I AM NOT!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OH, I GET IT.
YOU'RE ALREADY LYING.
IS THAT IT?
>> YES!
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE A VERY SMART MAN.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU?
LET'S BEGIN.
THIS LITTLE GUY RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS MAX.
MAX HAD THE IDEA FOR UBER WAY BEFORE ANYONE
ELSE, BUT HE COULDN'T GET THE LIQUID CAPITAL TOGETHER TO MAKE
IT HAPPEN.
HE DOESN'T THINK TRAVIS KALANICK STOLE THE IDEA, THOUGH, BECAUSE
HE RECOGNIZES THAT PARALLEL THINKING IS A REAL PHENOMENON.
EVEN STILL, HE'S ASSEMBLING A TEAM OF VICIOUS LAWYERS.
>> THERE YOU GO!
PENNY THIS IS PENNY.
PENNY, LOOK AT THE CAMERA.
PENNY IS A DACHSHUND MIN PIN, AND ALSO A FASHIONISTA.
AND, SURPRISINGLY, SHE SWEARS THAT CARGO PANTS ARE COMING
BACK.
MAYBE NOT TODAY, MAYBE NOT TOMORROW, BUT THEY ARE COMING
BACK.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THIS LITTLE FELLA
IS LEO.
NOT ONLY IS LEO ADORNABLE, BUT HE AND YOUR GRANDPA FOUGHT
TOGETHER IN THE WAR.
GEE DOESN'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT, BUT HIS SILENCE SPEAKS
VOLUME HE DOESN'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT
IT, BUT HIS SILENCE SPEAKS VOLUMES.
ESWHATEVER HAPPENED OVER THERE, TALK ABOUT IT WHEN YOU'RE READY,
BUDDY.
>> IF YOU'RE A STUDENT, THEN HE IS THE PERFECT PUPPY FOR
>> THIS IS WALDO.
YOU.
HE IS THE ONLY DOG THAT DOES EAT HOMEWORK.
HIS LAST OWNER JUST COMPLETED AN "A-PLUS" REPORT ON SALLINGARY
NINE STORIES SO HE COULD POOP THAT OUT AT ANY MINUTE.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
MEET LOLA.
LOLA IS A SHEPHERD MIX WHO IS GREAT WITH KIDS.
BUT I'M GOING TO BE UPFRONT-- SHE'S ALSO A MOON LANDING
DENIER.
DON'T HOLD IT AGAINST HER.
SHE CARRIES A GRUDGE OVER WHAT HAPPENED TO RUSSIAN ASTRONAUT
DOG LAIKA.
LOOK IT UP, BUT AFTER THE SHOW IS OVER.
( APPLAUSE ) >> HI, CODY.
THANK YOU.
MEET CODY.
HI, CODY.
THIS LITTLE FELLA IS THE STRONG, SILENT TYPE.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE SAME CAN BE SAID OF HIS FARTS.
OH, MY!
>> Stephen: OH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS JACK REACHER.
( LAUGHTER ) BEFORE YOU ASK, YES THOSE MOVIES
WERE BASED ON HIM AND, YES, THEY WERE ENTIRELY ACCURATE.
THE ONLY REASON THE STUDIOS WENT WITH TOM CRUISE WAS BECAUSE TEST
AUDIENCES DIDN'T LIKE SEEING A DOG SHOOT HUMANS WITH A SNIPER
RIFLE.
HAVE A GOOD TIME THERE.
>> THIS IS TUCKER.
HE IS A TERRIER MIX.
DUE TO A CLERICAL ERROR, HE OWNS THE RIGHTS TO THE ENTIRE BEATLES
CATALOG.
SO EVERY TIME YOU HEAR "HERE COMES THE SUN" IN A
PHARMACEUTICAL COMMERCIAL, TUCKER MAKES MAJOR BANK.
>> Stephen: THIS LITTLE GUY-- AND I DO MEAN LITTLE-- THIS
LITTLE GUY IS RUSTY.
BORN INTO THE GAMBINO CRIME FAMILY, RUSTY DID THE RIGHT
THING AND TURNED STATE'S EVIDENCE AGAINST HIS OWN
RELATIVES.
NOW HE'S LOOKING FOR A HOME AS PART OF WITNESS RELOCATION.
WHAT'S THAT?
I SAID TOO MUCH?
OH, COME ON.
THEY WON'T FIND YOU HERE.
7 WE'LL BLUR YOUR FACE.
( APPLAUSE ) WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR "RESCUE
DOG RESCUE," HEAD TO THE LATE SHOW'S WEBSITE
Colbertlateshow.com FOR MORE INFO ON HOW TO ADOPT ANY OF
THESE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA OR TO HELP
OUT WITH THE GLOBAL PET ADOPTATHON HAPPENING THIS
WEEKEND.
"THE BIG BANG THEORY" AIRS THURSDAYS AT 8:00 ON CBS.
JIM PARSONS, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK