WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I'VE HAD THE PLEASURE OF BEING IDEAL AT
BY MY NEXT GUEST FOR OVER 20 YEARS.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW,"" LEWIS BLACK.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU, MY FRIEND?
>> >> AAAH, I'M REALLY GOOD.
>> Stephen: YEAH, WE'LL SEE.
I KNOW YOU HAVE THE NEW STAND-UP TOUR, "THE JOKE'S ON US."
YOU GOT VINYL OUT OF YOUR LAST COMEDY... CONCERT?
>> IT'S A DOUBLE ALBUM.
>> Stephen: DOUBLE ALBUM OFFED WITH LOU.
>> YEAH!
ONLY THE BEATLES AND ME!
>> Stephen: "BLACK TO THE FUTURE."
CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT.
>> THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )
>> Stephen: YOU'RE AN AMERICAN.
I'M AN AMERICAN.
LET'S TALK ABOUT AMERICAN TRADITIONS.
HOW WAS YOUR THANKSGIVING?
>> I LEAVE THE COUNTRY.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> YEAH!
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THE PILGRIMS
DID.
>> YEAH.
NO, I GET OUT.
>> Stephen: WHERE DO YOU GO?
WHY DO YOU GO, FIRST OF ALL?
>> I GO BECAUSE ABOUT 15 YEARS AGO, A FRIEND OF MINE AND I WERE
HAVING DINNER AT HIS MOTHER'S HOUSE, AND WE REALIZED HIS
MOTHER COULDN'T COOK A TURKEY.
AND IT WASN'T-- IT WAS TASTELESS.
AND IT WAS-- WHY WERE WE DOING THIS?
AND MY MOTHER, I HAD ALREADY DISCOVERED YEARS BEFORE THAT,
WOULD COOK A TURKEY AND IT WOULD TASTE AS IF IT HAD A MUSCULAR
PROBLEM.
SO IT WAS, LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE.
>> Stephen: SO YOU LEAVE THE COUNTRY.
>> WE LEAVE THE COUNTRY AND GO TO, YOU KNOW, THIS YEAR
PORTUGAL.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR THANKSGIVING, LEWIS?
>> PORK.
ALWAYS GOOD FOR A JEW TO DIG INTO A LITTLE PORK.
>> Stephen: PORTUGUESE PORK.
GRILLED OCTOPUS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
>> I HAD SOME OCTOPUS THERE.
WHAT I REALLY LIKE ABOUT GOING AWAY, AND ESPECIALLY NOW.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
>> YOU KNOW, BECAUSE IT'S-- THERE'S NOTHING BEATS GOING TO A
COUNTRY YOU DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THEIR LANGUAGE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> SO YOU'RE SITTING IN A BEAUTIFUL CAFE.
AND NOBODY AROUND YOU.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ANYONE IS SAYING.
AND IT'S NO GREATER-- IT'S SERENE, BECAUSE THAT MOMENT IN
TIME, THERE ARE NO (BLEEP) ANYWHERE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF WHICH, LET'S TALK A LITTLE POLITICS FOR
A SECOND.
ARE YOU READY TO DO THIS?
HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THE REPUBLICANS' TAX BILL AT ALL?
HAS-- >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO-- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT?
>> I THINK IT HELPS US.
YOU AND ME.
>> Stephen: YEAH, BECAUSE WE'VE GOT CASH.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> SOTHAT MEANS SOMETHING'S GOT TO BE WRONG WITH IT.
HERE'S WHY.
WE DON'T NEED HELP.
A LOT OF PEOPLE NEED HELP.
NOT US.
SO--
>> Stephen: THE TRICKLE DOWN.
>> OH, YEAH.
THAT TRICKLE -- >> Stephen: TRICKLE DOWN.
BUT THIS IS-- THIS IS-- THIS IS MORE TRICKLE DOWN.
YOU JUST FILL UP THE TOP BUCKET AND IT TRICKLES DOWN.
>> YOU WANT TO TEST THAT TRICKLE-DOWN THEORY.
DRINK ABOUT 20 BEERS, THEN PEE YOUR PANTS, OKAY?
THEN PUT A CUP DOWN HERE.
>> Stephen: YES >> AND STAND AND SEE HOW LONG IT
TAKES FOR THAT PEE TO FILL UP THAT CUP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: CHALLENGE
ACCEPTED.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
>> WE'LL DO IT NEXT WEEK.
>> Stephen: NOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF SEXUAL ALLEGATIONS
ARISING IN MANY DIFFERENT INDUSTRIES.
YOU'RE ONE OF THE ELDER STATESMEN OF OUTRAGE.
WHAT IS-- WHAT IS YOUR LEVEL OF OUTRAGE ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON
NOW, WHAT WE'RE FINDING OUT NOW?
>> I'M JUST KIND OF STUNNED THAT MY GENERATION, WHICH SHOULD HAVE
KNOWN BETTER BECAUSE THAT'S THE BEGINNING OF THE SENSE OF THE--
THE FIRST REAL KICK ABOUT, YOU KNOW, WOMEN'S LIBERATION.
YOU KNOW, ALL OF THIS STUFF THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN DEALT WITH
YEARS AGO, YOU KNOW.
MY GENERATION KIND OF KNEW THAT AND WAS TALKING ABOUT IT AND
DISCUSSING IT.
AND IN THE MEANTIME IT WASN'T DEALT WITH.
WOMEN DIDN'T GET EQUAL PAY.
WOMEN DIDN'T GET-- YOU KNOW, THEY DIDN'T GET (BLEEP).
SO AS A RESULT IT ALL GOT PUT ON A BACK BURNER, ALL OF IT.
IT ALL GOT THROWN IN THE BACK, YOU KNOW, GOT THROWN ON THE BACK
BURNER.
AND THEN EVENTUALLY THE STOVE EXPLODED.
AND THAT'S WHAT WE'VE GOT NOW.
THE STOVE HAS EXPLODED.
>> Stephen: IT'S A GREASE FIRE.
( APPLAUSE ) DON'T THROW WATER ON IT.
>> YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, YOU-- I MEAN, THE THING THEY DON'T GET IS, YOU
KNOW, I HAD A TV SHOW FOR ABOUT EIGHT MINUTES.
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE DID, LIKE, TWO SHORT
SEASONS.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GET THE ENERGY.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I FIND THAT AMAZING, TOO.
>> ISN'T THAT UNBELIEVABLE!
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE GREATEST THING TO KEEP YOU ON
THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW IS TO WORK HARD ENOUGH.
THE PEOPLE WHO ARE HAVING SEXUAL, YOU KNOW, MISCONDUCT IN
AN OFFICE, I'M LIKE, "YOU SHOULD FIRE THEM JUST FOR NOT BEING
BUSY ENOUGH."
WHERE DO YOU FIND THE TIME TO DO THAT, TO BE A (BLEEP)?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
THE EXHAUSTION THEY FELT JUST WHEN COMEDY CENTRAL WOULD GIVE
ME NOTES, LIKE AT 10:00 IN THE MORNING, ABOUT WHAT WE DID THE
DAY BEFORE AND WHAT THE SHOW WAS GOING TO BE.
SO BY 10:15, I DIDN'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO HAVE SEX.
BY THE TIME THEY'RE DONE -- >> Stephen: BECAUSE NORMALLY
10:15 IS THE TIME-- PERFECT TIME TO HAVE SEX, 10:15.
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, THESE GUYS WERE HAVING IT-- ANY-- HOW DO
YOU-- ALL I CARED ABOUT IS WHEN CAN I GET MY DRINK?
THAT WAS ALL I CARED ABOUT.
WHEN IS THE DAY OVER AND I CAN, YOU KNOW, KNOCK SOMETHING BACK.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I WISH I HAD SOMETHING FOR YOU RIGHT HERE.
YEAH.
>> YEAH, WELL, WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?
I DON'T GET IT.
I MEAN WHO THE HELLUE CAN MAKE EYE MEAN THE OTHER THING IS THE
WHOLE THING ABOUT MASTURBATING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.
I MEAN, HOW-- I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE COURAGE TO ASK FOR DATES
SOMETIMES.
>> Stephen: I GO TO GREAT LENGTHS SO WOMEN WILL NEVER SEE
NAKEDNESS.
>> I KNOW!
YOU KNOW!
>> Stephen: THERE'S NO PRIDE HERE!
( LAUGHTER ) I'D BE WEARING AN OVERCOAT IF
THEY WOULD ALLOW ME RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M A 53-YEAR-OLD MAN!
THIS IS WHY-- THIS IS WHAT I TELL MY WIFE, WHEN THESE THINGS
COME UP WITH MATT LAUER, I GO, "THIS IS WHY I'M NOT FIT.
IF I WERE FIT, THIS IS WHAT WOULD BE GOING ON."
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A MAN IS IN HIS 50s AND HAS A SIX
PAG, YOU KNOW SOMETHING (BLEEP) IS WRONG.
HIS NEW TOUR IS "THE JOKE'S ON US."
THE ALBUM IS "BLACK TO THE FUTURE."