>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'M HERE FROM THE LOVELY ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
BUILDING.
MY LADY JOINS ME OVER THERE.
>> HELLO.
>> Stephen: WE ARE EIGHT DAYS FROM THE
ELECTION AND EXCITEMENT IS SPREADING ACROSS THE COUNTRY IF
BY EXCITEMENT YOU MEAN CORONAVIRUS.
'CAUSE, UH, YEAH.
THEY SAID THE FALL WOULD GET BAD, AND THEY WAS RIGHT.
WE ARE EIGHT MONTHS INTO THE PANDEMIC, AND WE'RE ALL TIRED OF
IT.
I'VE ALREADY WATCHED EVERYTHING ON NETFLIX, EVERYTHING ON HULU
AND, IF ANYONE ASKS, EVERYTHING ON CBS ALL ACCESS.
BUT EVEN THOUGH WE'RE TIRED OF THE VIRUS, IT'S STILL SUPER
INTERESTED IN US.
ON FRIDAY, THE U.S. HIT AN ALL-TIME HIGH IN NEW CORONAVIRUS
CASES.
IT'S APRIL ALL OVER AGAIN.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT "TIGER KING," WE'RE LEARNING HOW TO
REGROW OUR SCALLIONS, AND AS FAR AS WE KNOW, SMASH MOUTH HASN'T
KILLED ANYONE YET!
HELL, WE'VE GOT SANJAY GUPTA ON TOMORROW!
THAT'S NEVER A GOOD SIGN!
I HOPE HE'S HERE TO TALK ABOUT HIS NEW ALBUM!
GROOVIN' WITH GUPTA.
GROUP-TA.
HUH?
NO?
THAT'S NOT IT?
>> SINGING WITH SANJAY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S BETTER THAN GROOVING WITH GUPTA?
NOTHING FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY.
I GOT HER OVER HERE.
TELLING ME WHETHER THE JOKES ARE GOOD OR NOT.
OKAY, ENOUGH!
( LAUGHTER ) WITH THESE RECORD NUMBERS, WE'VE
OFFICIALLY ENTERED, THE THIRD WAVE OF COVID-19 IN THE U.S.
OKAY, BUT THAT'S A LITTLE MISLEADING, BECAUSE IF YOU LOOK
AT THE CHART OF COVID WAVES, THE BOTTOM BEFORE THE THIRD WAVE IS
AS HIGH AS THE CREST OF THE FIRST WAVE.
IT'S NOT REALLY A THIRD WAVE IF THE FIRST WAVE NEVER ENDED.
IT'S LIKE HOW EVERY "ROCKY" MOVIE STARTS WITH THE END OF THE
LAST MOVIE.
SO THERE'S TECHNICALLY ONLY ONE, VERY LONG "ROCKY" MOVIE.
AND JUST LIKE ROCKY, THE MAIN CHARACTER TALKS LIKE HE'S SPENT
A LIFETIME GETTING PUNCHED IN THE HEAD.
BUT THIS DISTURBING NEWS BRINGS US TO OUR NEWEST SEGMENT: "CATCH
A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."
CORONA BUNGA DUDE!
( LAUGHTER ) YOU WANTED ME TO REHEARSE THAT?
WE ALMOST HAD TO REHEARSE THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT, DO YOU THINK I COULDN'T
HANDLE THAT LEVEL OF DWRASK?
ARE WE GOING LONG RIGHT NOW?
( LAUGHTER ) PART OF WHAT MAKES THIS LATEST
WAVE OF THE FIRST WAVE SO HARD TO CONTAIN IS HOW WIDESPREAD IT
IS.
HOSPITALIZATIONS HAVE JUMPED IN AT LEAST 38 STATES IN THE PAST
WEEK.
IN RESPONSE THIS WEEKEND, THE WHITE HOUSE DISPATCHED CHIEF OF
STAFF AND LAST BOY PICKED FOR THE WHITE FOOTBALL GAME, MARK
MEADOWS.
YESTERDAY, MEADOWS WENT ON CNN TO REASSURE A WORRIED NATION
THAT YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
>> WE'RE NOT GOING TO CONTROL THE PANDEMIC.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY!
THAT WAS A SHORTER CLIP THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY!
SO AFTER EIGHT MONTHS OF NOT REALLY TRYING, NOW THEY'RE JUST
GIVING UP.
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
IT'S LIKE IF "MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING" CHANGED ITS
NAME TO "MOTHERS WHO REALIZE, HEY, YOU GOTTA GET HOME FROM THE
BAR SOMEHOW!" OF COURSE, THE MOST INFECTIOUS
PART OF THE COUNTRY IS THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.
AT LEAST 30 PEOPLE ASSOCIATED WITH TRUMP CAUGHT THE VIRUS,
INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT AND FIRST LADY THEMSELVES,
AND NOW AT LEAST FIVE OF VICE PRESIDENT PENCE'S AIDES
HAVE TESTED POSITIVE FOR THE VIRUS.
THE NEW INFECTIONS IN THE VICE PRESIDENT'S INNER CIRCLE INCLUDE
HIS CHIEF OF STAFF, HIS TOP OUTSIDE POLITICAL ADVISER, AND
HIS "BODY MAN."
BY THE WAY, "BODY MAN" IS THE AIDE WHO IS WITH THE VICE
PRESIDENT AT ALL TIMES, AND NOT, AS I PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT, THE
LEAST POPULAR MEMBER OF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE.
IRONICALLY, PENCE IS THE HEAD OF THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE.
THIS REMINDS ME OF THAT FIRE SAFETY P.S.A.
>> ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES 'CAUSE I'VE STOPPED
TRYIN'!
( HYSTERICAL LAUGHING ) >> STEPHEN: SO FAR, PENCE HAS
NOT TESTED POSITIVE, BUT THE C.D.C. RECOMMENDS PEOPLE STAY
HOME FOR 14 DAYS FOLLOWING POSSIBLE EXPOSURE.
BUT PENCE IS GOING TO KEEP CAMPAIGNING ANYWAY.
THE WHITE HOUSE JUSTIFIES IT BY CLAIMING PENCE IS AN ESSENTIAL
WORKER.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HE'S VICE PRESIDENT.
AT BEST, HE IS VICE ESSENTIAL.
HE'S AMERICA'S SPARE TIRE.
YOU WANT HIM IN YOUR TRUNK, BUT YOU HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE
HIM.
F.D.R.'S VICE PRESIDENT, JOHN NANCE GARNER, WHO YOU NEVER
HEARD OF BECAUSE HE WAS VICE PRESIDENT, ONCE SAID, "THE VICE
PRESIDENCY IS NOT WORTH A BUCKET OF WARM SPIT."
A BUCKET OF WARM SPIT IS I'M GUESSING WHAT PENCE GETS WHEN HE
ORDERS SOUP IN A RESTAURANT.
TRUMP ISN'T LETTING THE COVID SURGE STOP HIM FROM CAMPAIGNING.
BETWEEN FRIDAY AND TODAY, HE HELD 11 CAMPAIGN EVENTS--
INCLUDING NINE RALLIES-- IN SEVEN STATES: FLORIDA, NORTH
CAROLINA, WISCONSIN, OHIO NEW HAMPSHIRE, MAINE, AND
PENNSYLVANIA, OR AS HISTORIANS WILL CALL THEM, "THE CORONA
BELT."
HE SPENT THE WEEKEND BLAMING THE PANDEMIC ON THE MEDIA.
>> THEY PROLONGED THE PANDEMIC.
THAT'S ALL I HEAR ABOUT NOW.
THAT'S ALL I HEAR.
TURN ON TELEVISION, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID,
COVID.
ON NOVEMBER 4th, YOU WON'T HEAR ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
>> Stephen: I WON'T, BECAUSE I WILL BE HUNG OVER.
BUT TRUMP DIDN'T JUST RAIL ON THE MEDIA FOR TALKING ABOUT
COVID, HE ALSO BLAMED THEM FOR HOW THEY TALK ABOUT ALL THE
NEW CASES: >> YOU USE THE WORD CASE BECAUSE
YOU'RE TRYING TO SCARE PEOPLE.
DON'T SCARE PEOPLE.
THE FACT IS THAT WE'RE DOING VERY WELL.
NOW, THE GOOD NEWS IS WE KNOW WHERE IT MAY BE.
THE BAD NEWS IS, ANYTIME YOU TEST, YOU'RE GOING TO COME UP
WITH CASES.
>> STEPHEN: SO, THE GOOD NEWS IS, WE KNOW WHERE IT IS.
THE BAD NEWS IS: EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK.
BUT AS UNIMPORTANT AS HE SAYS THIS PLAGUE IS, TRUMP ASSURED
HIS SUPPORTERS THAT HE'S THE ONLY GUY TO HANDLE IT:
>> WE UNDERSTAND THE DISEASE.
I UNDERSTAND IT BETTER THAN YOU.
I HAD IT.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT, RIGHT?
"SIR, YOU'VE TESTED POSITIVE."
I SAID, "TESTED POSITIVE FOR WHAT?"
>> STEPHEN: HOW MANY THINGS DOES HE GET
TESTED FOR?
(AS TRUMP) "TESTED POSITIVE FOR WHAT?
THE CLAP?
THE HERPS?
WHICH HEPATITIS DO I HAVE THIS TIME?
A, C-- I HOPE IT'S DOUBLE D'S."
IT WASN'T ALL COVID.
TRUMP ALSO TALKED ABOUT THE ELECTION AND TRIED TO APPEAL TO
AN IMPORTANT VOTING BLOCK: SENIORS.
>> BIDEN'S PLAN WOULD MEAN AMERICA'S SENIORS HAVE NO AIR
CONDITIONING DURING THE SUMMER.
NO HEAT DURING THE WINTER.
AND NO ELECTRICITY DURING PEAK HOURS.
IT'S TRUE.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO MAKE STUFF UP TO
SCARE THE OLDSTERS, WHY STOP THERE?
NO HEAT, NO A.C., BIDEN'S GOING TO PIERCE YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER'S
NOSE, HE'S GONNA CANCEL "WHEEL OF FORTUNE," HE'S GOING TO
OUTLAW THE CROCHETED THINGS YOU PUT OVER THE TOILET PAPER.
THE TOILETTE PAPER IS GOING TO BE NAKED AND CATCH A COLD!
IN ALAN HE HAD A CAMPAIGN PROMISE.
>> I'D LOVE TO JUST DRIVE OUT OF HERE.
JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS.
I HAD SUCH A GOOD LIFE.
MY LIFE WAS GREAT.
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, I THINK I SPEAK FOR MANY AMERICANS
WHEN I SAY GET THE TRUCK OUT OF HERE.
HEY!
HALLOWEEN'S COMING UP.
LET'S TALK ABOUT CHRISTMAS.
THANKS TO A REPORT IN THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL," WE'VE JUST
LEARNED THAT THE WHITE HOUSE WANTED TO GIVE EARLY COVID
VACCINES TO MALL SANTAS.
WELL, MALL SANTAS DO HAVE DANGEROUS COMORBIDITIES LIKE
CHERRY NOSE AND BOWL-FULL-OF-JELLY BELLY.
AND, UH, ALCOHOLISM.
( LAUGHTER ) KNOWING THE LAUGH OF A WOMAN
WHO'S TAKEN CHILDREN TO A MALL SANTA BEFORE.
APPARENTLY, THE SANTAS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE PART OF A SERIES
OF PRO-TRUMP COVID RESPONSE P.S.A.'S THAT WERE GONNA COST
$250 MILLION IN TAXPAYERS MONEY THAT CONGRESS HAD PREVIOUSLY
APPROPRIATED TO THE C.D.C.
DON'T WORRY, TRUMP'S GOING TO PAY BACK THAT QUARTER BILLION IN
HIS OWN TAXES.
WHICH WOULD TAKE...
LET'S SEE, $750 PER YEAR, $250 MILLION, HE'LL PAY THAT
BACK IN...
( CALCULATING CLICKING SOUNDS ) NEVER.
( LAUGHTER ) TOTALLY WORTH THE WAIT.
TOTALLY WORTH THE WAIT.
THAT DOESN'T GET CUT.
THAT STAYS IN.
I DON'T CARE HOW LONG WE GO.
CUT SACHA BARON COHEN, THAT JOKE STAYS IN.
( LAUGHTER ) THESE PRO-TRUMP PROPAGANDISTS
PUT TOGETHER A LIST OF 30 BIG NAME CELEBRITIES WHO WOULD GO ON
CAMERA TO SAY HOW GREAT EVERYTHING WAS GOING, AND
EVERYONE SHOULD JUST CHEER UP.
THE WISH LIST INCLUDING TAYLOR SWIFT, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
LADY GAGA, BILLY JOEL, BRITNEY SPEARS, BRUNO MARS, BON JOVI,
AND MADONNA, BUT THEY ONLY MANAGED TO RECRUIT DENNIS QUAID,
CECE WINANS, AND HASIDIC SINGER SHOOLEM LEMMER.
WHICH IS KIND OF LIKE WHEN YOU ASK FOR AN XBOX FOR YOUR
BIRTHDAY, BUT INSTEAD YOU GET HASIDIC SINGER SHOOLEM LEMMER.
I'M SURE HE'S VERY TALONED.
DENNIS QUAID LATER DROPPED OUT.
RANDY QUAID'S STILL AVAILABLE.
SO, IT LOOKED LIKE THE P.S.A.'S WERE GOING TO HAVE TO BE A
LITTLE LESS CELEBRITY-FOCUSED.
THAT'S WHERE THE SANTAS COME IN.
THE ADMINISTRATION WANTED THE SANTAS TO APPEAR AT REGIONAL
EVENTS PROMOTING THE TRUMP VACCINE PROGRAM, AND FEATURING
"BEAUTIFUL EDUCATIONAL FILMS."
(AS TRUMP) "BEAUTIFUL EDUCATIONAL FILMS.
SANTA COMES HOME FROM WORK EARLY TO FIND MRS. CLAUS MAKING MORE
THAN RUDOLPH'S NOSE RED, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
TASTEFUL, BUT KIDS GOTTA LEARN SOMEHOW."
THE ORGANIZER OF THIS WHOLE THING WAS DISGRACED H.H.S.
SPOKESPERSON AND MAN PREPARED TO ANTE UP FOR THIS GAME OF STRIP
POKER, MICHAEL CAPUTO.
WE'RE FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS PLAN THANKS TO RIC ERWIN, THE
CHAIRMAN OF, AND THIS IS THEIR ACTUAL NAME, THE FRATERNAL ORDER
OF REAL BEARDED SANTAS.
OH, YEAH.
IT'S A TOUGH GANG.
YOU KNOW THE RULE: "NOG IN, NOG OUT.
SNITCHES GET BLITZEN."
ERWIN RECORDED HIS CALL WITH CAPUTO, AND ON THE TAPE, CAPUTO
OFFERED THE SANTA PERFORMERS EARLY VACCINE ACCESS AHEAD OF
THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
TO WHICH ERWIN REPLIED, "SINCE YOU WOULD BE DOING SANTA A
SERIOUS FAVOR, SANTA WOULD DEFINITELY RECIPROCATE."
A CLEAR CASE OF QUID-PRO-HO-HO-HO!
( LAUGHTER ) THAT JOKE FROM LITTLE RICHIE
DOM.
AGE EIGHT.
THANKS, RICHIE.
CAPUTO TOLD ERWIN WHY THE SANTAS WERE FIRST IN LINE FOR THE
VACCINE: "IF YOU AND YOUR COLLEAGUES ARE
NOT ESSENTIAL WORKERS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS,"
OKAY, SO YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.
"SORRY, TEACHERS AND NURSES.
WE'VE GOT TO PROTECT THE MEN WHO DO THE ESSENTIAL WORK OF MAKING
BABIES CRY IN FRONT OF THE ORANGE JULIUS."
THIS WEEKEND, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT THE PROGRAM WAS BEING
SCRAPPED AND IT WAS A TOUGH BLOW TO SANTA-AMERICANS.
ERWIN SAID, "THIS WAS OUR GREATEST HOPE FOR CHRISTMAS
2020, AND NOW IT LOOKS LIKE IT WON'T HAPPEN."
DON'T WORRY, SANTA.
YOU MIGHT NOT BE BACK FOR CHRISTMAS, BUT IF VACCINE
EXPERTS ARE RIGHT, YOU'LL BE COMIN' DOWN OUR CHIMNEYS ON THE
FOURTH OF JULY.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
LATER I'LL BE TALKING TO JEFF TWEEDY, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
SACHA BARON COHEN IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.