Hello lovely people and happy end of the summer!
- Okay, that was very final.
It might not actually be the end of the summertime where you are but it has been a busy summer for
us with quite a bit of travelling and our first summer as a family of three! So in this video
I’ll be sharing some tips we’ve gathered about family holidays when you’re LGBTQ+
My family is made up of my wife Claudia and I and our lovely little 14-month-old Rupert,
who has just- life update- started standing up by himself, taking a few steps,
popping back down on his bottom and saying “I did it!”
Which is a really big deal for a child who only learnt to push himself up into
a seated position from lying down just before his first birthday. It feels
like a lot of his movement milestones have come very suddenly all at once!
- Babies really do just move at their own pace!
We’ve noticed that being away from home is something that really speeds up his
development though- he always comes back with new signs, words and more of an ‘umph’ to move.
This latest spurt was definitely inspired by being around his big cousins at my recent
family reunion. The children were all so sweet with him but he was the youngest by
quite a few years so he had a lot of fast paced crawling to do to keep up with the 7,
8 and 9 year olds running around! Hence the new need to get on his feet.
That was just in the Lake District, a 6 hour car drive that we had to break up with frequent
stops- thankfully he consistently sleeps in the car or looks at his books- but this year
he has also travelled to the Spanish islands of Tenerife and Mallorca and Cannes in France.
For the first one we stayed in a villa and the other two we stayed in hotels.
It is, of course, incredibly exciting to be able to take your baby on their first ever holiday.
Not only to introduce them to other cultures- or your own/ one of your parents if you’re
living in a different home country- but also to give them that chance to develop new skills
and the opportunity to dip their toes in the ocean or smell the frosty air.
And for you as a parent it’s the perfect way to escape from everyday life,
put work on the backburner, just focus on your people… Two of our trips abroad were technically
work trips for me but hey, I can squeeze quality family time out of every moment,
regardless of whether I have to pop up on stage and give a quick speech or not.
- side note: my son absolutely does not care when I am talking to an audience. He’ll watch everyone
else in the line up and then I come on and it’s: “meh, I get this at home.” - the betrayal!
I’d just like to add in a quick thank you to the members of the Kellgren-Fozard Club
for sponsoring my channel and making this video possible. If you’d like to join the
club and get access to behind-the-scenes content, a birthday shout out as well
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Whatever the reason for travelling, you may find that it’s a little
more complicated now that you’re a family so let’s get into those tips:
1. Don't forget your documentation
We’re from the UK where a child born in a marriage of two women will have
both of them listed as parents on their birth certificate. We are thus,
legally, automatically both Rupert’s parents and didn’t have to take any
extra steps like second-parent adoption. Whenever we leave the country we take both:
one of his birth certificates (always ask for extras at the registry office!) and a copy of it.
However, we’ve never had to use it!
Highly likely because all three of us have exactly the same surname and my wife is the
spitting image of our son. If the passport person isn’t thinking ‘gay’ they’re probably thinking
‘the redhead must have married into the family’ and just assuming I’m her sister-in-law.
Make sure if your name isn’t exactly the same as your child’s-
- and I mean exactly, my parents each gave me their surname for a double barrelled
one at birth but kept their own and I spent my school career with teachers
assuming my parents were divorced just because they didn’t have the same surname [eyeroll]
Or your name isn’t on the birth certificate (or was added later) that you travel with
all documentation and if it’s just you and the baby that you have a piece of paper with written
authorisation from your partner that you're allowed to travel with your child.
It would also help if it was notarised.
That just made my heart clench. My baby is so much MY baby.
But that’s the way the world works and it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Plus how annoyed is your other half going to be when they have to drive to the airport
just to say ‘yes, they can get on the plane’?
[sucks teeth] ooh, I made her mad!
This will also be more of an issue with younger children who can’t advocate for themselves and
won’t be believed when they grumpily point to both of you when asked by a guard “where’s your mummy?”
If you want to avoid hours of waiting whilst you’re under suspicion for child trafficking…
TAKE YOUR DOCUMENTS.
Birth certificate, adoption paperwork, custody documents,
permission to travel letter, health insurance cards, emergency contact information.
Documentation isn’t only important at the airport however, it may be vital for emergency medical
care while you're abroad and that’s something you really don’t want to be lax on for your child.
If you’re unsure about the law in the country you’re travelling to
or how your own laws translate there then speak to a lawyer who specialises
in LGBTQ+ issues to find out whether you need to put anything special in place.
Or just google really intensely and specifically.
[softly] Lawyers are expensive…
2. Do your research
There are more than 70 countries that consider consentual same-sex relations a crime.
Properly research your destination in advance.
Are LGBTQ+ relationships illegal where you're going? Does that apply to tourists? Is it an ‘in
name only’ kind of thing where it’s never actually enforced? Will you be safe and comfortable in the
hotel but need to adjust your behaviour in the town OR should you be less physical all the time?
How do you co-parent without looking like you’re clearly co-parenting?
Alternatively, choosing a different holiday destination may be easier for you and your family.
You may be asking: but if you’re LGBTQ+, why are you going to a country or location
where you’re not accepted or might even be illegal?
How fortunate that you, your parents and grandparents all came from such
accepting countries and you have no relatives in other places you’d like
to visit or history you’d like to see and you don’t feel in any way limited(!)
If you ARE visiting a country where you have to be a little more private and reserved,
make sure that where you’re staying gives you the opportunity to unwind. It’s very, very hard to
hold in such a big ‘secret’ and a lot of work to remember not to do little things like kiss
your partner hello and goodbye. You need to be able to just relax and be yourselves at the end
of the day, especially with the added hard work of looking after little ones in an unfamiliar space!
Plus we are very very familiar with each other when we are co-parenting. It’s just what it is.
It's very obvious to other people that you know each other intimately.
If you have chosen a destination that is LGBTQ+ friendly, research to see if they
have any LGBTQ+ family-friendly hotels, and even local restaurants or places to
visit - it's always good to support LGBTQ+ businesses wherever you are!
How many times can I say the acronym? MANY.
Here’s another one!
The International LGBTQ+ Travel Association is a comprehensive travel planning resource
that I’ll leave in the description below: https://www.iglta.org/
LGBTQ+!
Didn’t even trip over.
3. Find friendly resorts
Ask other LGBTQ+ parents, couples and friends for holiday destination recommendations!
We went to the
(Insert names of) ApartHotels
In Tenerife- great for having your own villa but also the bonus points of a hotel at
your disposal, like a restaurant, big pool and housekeeping staff.
In Mallorca - where we were NOT the only gay couple! That was really lovely. We
did that little thing where you give each other ‘the look’, very knowing.
Aha, I see you… two women… with small children… we are two women with our child. Oh!
If this is your one big trip of the year and you want ultimate relaxation to be your
goal then make sure you’re choosing somewhere that allows you to be who you truly are 100%
of the time, not hiding your relationship and not worrying that your kids are going
to give the game away by calling you both “mummy”
A holiday should be about spending quality time together as a family.
4. Now is not the time to educate people
‘Who’s baby is it?’ is something we get asked A LOT.
And usually we say ‘ours’ or ‘both of us, we’re married’-
usually followed up with ‘to each other’, when they continue to stare blankly.
But is that helpful in ALL situations? Is that really what the homophobic museum ticket guy wants
to hear? Or do you just need to say ‘mine’ so he can say ‘cute’ and you can all be on your way?
I’m all for advocating for the LGBTQ+ voice and
making it clear that we are just normal people living normal lives
- hello and welcome to my YouTube channel.
but choose your battles!
Equally, when you’re in another country where you don’t know the rules,
make sure you are safe before outing yourself and if you have children who are verbal and
can oh-so-sweetly drop an ‘I have two dads, they’re gay’ at the WORST possible moment
then make sure you have a conversation before you think they’re ready to even have the conversation.
As much as I HATE biting my tongue and playing it straight and as much as I HATE having to lie…
that’s what we’re going with.
Having said that: whilst I would lie by omission
with letting my wife say ‘my baby’ or me saying ‘she’s mummy’
- which is true! I’m mama.
(She looks much like my child than I do.)
I would never outright deny my child in front of their face,
ever. Even when they’re a newborn, I feel like that is just damaging to them psychologically.
Adding on to this point though is that you should prepare for
people to potentially ask some questions that those back at home wouldn’t because
locals might not be used to seeing families like yours being so open.
And that’s one of the reasons why it’s important to travel and experience the world… not just for
your own little family and for your own little person but for those in other places to see that
your family is just like any other. By visiting and just… being our boring, normal selves,
we’re helping to change perspectives on what a family unit looks like.
Maybe you think ‘oh what does it matter? We’re never going to see these people again’ but we
don’t know whether we’re making the way easier for someone else to come out to a person we
have interacted with or making their own path to self acceptance smoother because they’ve
seen a different type of ‘LGBTQ+’ than the scare stories their local homophobic media presents.
After all, we’re pretty non-threatening!
Wherever you’re going and whomever you’re going with,
I hope you have the most wonderful time and enjoy your holiday!
Let me know if you’ve found these tips helpful and please do add any others in the comments below.
Thank you so much for watching and thank you again
to the members of the Kellgren-Fozard Club for making this video possible.
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See you in my next video.