Hello I m Darren Magee and the topic for today s video comes from many different questions I
ve had about hoovering. Now hoovering is a form of manipulation that would typically occur whenever a
narcissistic person loses or fears they are going to lose their supply of attention, validation or
control. They fear their target will get away from them, abandon them. It is often aimed at keeping
or reeling someone back into the cycle of abuse common in narcissistic relationships. It involves
coercing some kind of engagement, whether positive or negative. So in this video I'm going to outline
some of the common motivations and reasons behind the hoovering. I'm also going to outline some of
the different kinds of hoovering and the common tactics they use. So if you like this video,
if you find it interesting or helpful please consider subscribing to my channel. So just as to
remind you, narcissism is often characterised by an inflated sense of self. There's a huge sense of
entitlement, a constant need for validation and attention. There's been highly disagreeable and
being highly resistant or highly sensitive to criticism. There is also a lack of empathy for
others. And these characteristics would be long term, persistent, pervasive, not just once in a
while. So some of the common motivations behind the hoovering include first of all, their ego has
been hurt. Narcissists have a very fragile sense of self, a very fragile ego. They need others
to constantly validate them and pay attention to them. They aren't so good on their own. They have
no one to listen to them, no one to pay attention to them. They struggle to be alone with their own
thoughts. So they might want someone back even just for the narcissistic supply. Remember the
sense of entitlement and the lack of empathy for others. They believe they are entitled to
the validation. They're entitled to the attention of the company, the control, whatever it is. But
they either don't understand or really don't care why someone has left them, why that person would
be better off without them. But even if they are getting a narcissistic supply from someone else,
perhaps a new partner, a narcissist can find it difficult to let go of the attention. Their ego
will never be satisfied. Another reason for the hoovering is their pride. Another common
characteristic of narcissism is an inflated sense of superiority. They might not want to be seen
as the person who was dumped. So they might want someone back just so that they can dump them. Now,
this might sound a bit petty. But with narcissism we often see emotional immaturity. Or they could
try to hoover someone back into their life so that they could punish them for abandoning them
in the first place. To a narcissist this would be like evening the score. Someone has hurt them,
so they have to hurt them back, but they have to establish some kind of contact first. And here we
see the vindictive side of narcissism. There is also a need for dominance. For instance,
if someone has decided to go no contact with them, they might believe they have to prove to
themselves and their target. I can make you talk to me even though you think you won't. Here we
see the need to regain some kind of control. Narcissists tend to struggle if they don't
feel as if they are in control. They struggle with other people s boundaries their autonomy,
particularly those they consider inferior to them, which is pretty much everyone to be fair. But they
especially struggle when they lose control over those they have spent a long time grinding down.
If they get that person back, they have control over the them again and the cycle of abuse starts
all over again. So there are some of the common reasons. Now let's look at some of the common
tactics they use to hoover someone back and the first would be promises that things will
get better. They've just had a hard time at work lately, or they have had to work through
their issues that other people have caused. There can be promises to change, but they're
not necessarily clear about what changes they are prepared to make. They could be pleading,
Would you be prepared to give it another go? However, if you were to ask them, If I stay,
what would be different, or if I would come back, what would be different? They might struggle to
answer. Narcissists tend to lack emotional depth as well as empathy. Few ever really see themselves
as have ever having done anything wrong, and even if they do, generally doesn't last long.
Their defence mechanisms kick in and they find a way to absolve themselves of any wrongdoing and
dump it onto others. The fault always lies outside of them, which means so does the solution. It's
other people we have to change. Another form of hoovering is when they become very generous. They
suddenly become very attentive again, making sure you're okay you have what you need, performing
acts of kindness. There could be gifts or the promises of gifts. They re were going to book a
luxury holiday for the two of you. They were going to help you out with your debt, buy you a new car.
Now depending on the person, where abouts they are that narcissistic spectrum, it could be said
they're trying to undo the hurt they have caused with their generosity the only way they know how.
Or they might hope that you'll be so pleased you ll forget about the bad behaviour. Because
narcissists tend to be quite materialistic, they like to have and be surrounded by nice expensive
things. They tend to think others are like that as well, which I think is why they often think
people envy them or at least should envy them. So maybe they think the gifts would appeal to their
targets as they would to them. But really it's just bribery, and again, due to a lack of insight,
they might have difficulty understanding why their gifts are refused or returned.
Next, they can become very romantic. They can provide old pictures of the two of you together,
talk about how young, how happy you both look together. Remember the good times. It s a form
of love bombing. It s when they put someone back onto the pedestal that they kicked out from under
them. You're the most amazing, special, precious, wonderful thing they've ever met, and they have
no idea what they're supposed to have done to hurt you because you're so amazing to them. They
become very interested and enthusiastic about the things that you're interested in. If something is
important to you, it's important to them. They idealise someone the same way they did when they
first met. They might provide a gift that you once bought them. It means so much to them. It
reminds them of your love for them. Or you might just get a text or an e-mail out of the blue.
They were just walking through a beautiful autumn landscape and were thinking about you. After all,
this always was your favourite time of the year. They can become quite nostalgic, quite sentimental
and they wonder where it all went wrong. Anything at all, in the hope that you will respond to them.
But on that note, another form of hoovering would be what s known as the accidental text
or the accidental phone call. They were reaching out to someone else, they don't know how they made
that error. But hey, since you've answered If they are using text or e-mail to try to hoover
someone back, it wouldn't be uncommon for the messages to swing between romanticising,
pleading, guilt tripping to vilifying or even threatening. For instance they might just say how
much they're missing you, but they don't get the response they expected so they go on the attack.
They might come back later on apologising but trying to guilt trip you. Again they don't get
the answer they wanted or the answer they expected they go on the attack again. I think what we see
here is often a sense of desperation as they try anything to get any kind of response, but
also emotional dysregulation. If they don't get a response or the response they were hoping for,
if their own schemes don't work, they get very angry. Hoovering can also involve guilt tripping.
How could you leave them after all they have done for you? They may exaggerate injuries, illnesses,
issues. How could someone leave them to struggle alone. They exaggerate a sense of helplessness
to exploit their target s compassion and their empathy. Again a common thing to look out for
is how they can talk a lot about how hurt they are, but they have little to no concept of why
others are hurt. It's all about them. There could be threats to harm themselves, or indeed harm
others to try to trigger fear. If it was a long term relationship or indeed a family of origin,
remember they have had plenty of time to learn what buttons to push to evoke responses like fear,
guilt and shame. Next would be when the hoovering is done by proxy. Now this can involve stalking,
spying, triangulation or mobbing, and this is when they recruit their supporters, their enablers
sometimes referred to as flying monkeys. And these agents carry out the work for them. They might
plead with you to go back or to at least take a phone call. They might pass on information on the
narcissist s behalf or try to gather information on the narcissist s behalf. Sometimes it's even to
carry out the abuse on the narcissist s behalf. Because even if there is no contact between the
narcissist and their victim, they still love the thought of their victim having to think about them
whether they want to or not. They still love the idea of having some kind of influence over their
lives. Lastly they can be antagonistic. There can be threats. They can say things to start
an argument. Remember, narcissists can be very disagreeable as well as vindictive. And many
thrive off drama, chaos and the misery of others. If they can't have your love and your admiration,
they will settle for draining your emotional and your mental energy. They might demand information,
demand you explain yourself, even if you have already repeatedly. They will gaslight,
bully and intimidate. They could brag about how much better off they are. How much better off
they are than you are. They may brag about how much their new partner is far superior to you.
And sometimes I don't know if this is denial of delusion, but sometimes they will behave as if you
should be regretting having left them. But one way or another, narcissists do not like not having or
losing control over others, so bad attention is better than none at all. So to conclude,
regardless of how or why they try to hoover someone back, some of those tactics can be quite
methodical, well thought out and planned. Other times they're haphazard and they re childlike.
They will do or say whatever is in their head at that moment, anything at all that they think
might get them some kind of contact, some kind of response. And as open as a narcissist could
be about the fact that they're hurting, due to a lack of emotional insight, emotional intelligence,
they can find it difficult to articulate what that feeling is, what it actually means. They can have
little to no concept of how or why their victims feel the way they do. While they left in the
first place, why there is a need for no contact. They also have a long memory. They can hold onto
a narcissistic wound pretty much for the rest of their days, ruminating over what they're going to
do and say if they ever get the chance. Sometimes trying to think of ways in order to either try to
win someone back or how to hurt them, sometimes both. And those hoovering tactics by the way, they
don't have to happen immediately. Sometimes weeks, months, even years could pass before one day maybe
you get a text or an e-mail just out of the blue. They re wondering how you are. And if you respond,
the cycle starts all over again. So that s a brief outline of hoovering the reasons, the motivations
behind it and some of the common tactics involved. Now as always if there's anything I've missed,
anything you would like to add, please use the comment box below, there are some interesting
conversations start around these videos.But if you found this video interesting, if you found
it helpful, please consider subscribing to my channel and until next time, thanks for watching.