-Donald Trump has been
holding daily press briefings
during the pandemic,
but his rambling, nonsensical answers
raise more questions than they answer,
so, we decided to hold another one right here, right now.
That's right, Donald Trump is here,
in my attic, and ready to go.
So, without any further ado, it's time
for the "Late Night" White House press briefing.
[ Suspenseful theme plays ]
♪♪
-Thank you very much, everybody, and...
good afternoon.
-Mr. President! Mr. President!
Mr. President. Yes, thank you.
Seth Meyers, "Late Night with Seth Meyers."
Mr. President, you look terrific.
With all the salons closed down,
who's doin' your makeup, these days?
-The Army Corps of Engineers.
-President Trump, these briefings seem like
they're gettin' longer each day.
What do you take before you come out
to keep your energy up for so long?
-Ten drugs.
-Mr. President, at this point,
what's the only thing that could get you out of office?
-The resurrection of Jesus Christ.
-Why do you seem so... miserable right now?
-Because I happen to be in the White House
and I won't be able to go to Florida.
-Oh, right, yeah, Florida.
How would you describe your racism the past few months?
-Very China-centric.
-Personal question -- how's your marriage holdin' up
during the lockdown?
-It's a tremendous challenge.
It's terrible.
-How do you think people will remember
your presidency?
-This horrible, dark period
where this monster came
and...
worked its horrible, horrible spell over the world.
-What was the fastest
you've ever tuned out of a conversation?
-Two very smart people walked into my office
and they said, "Listen."
-Oh, that's fast.
President trump, you've talked a lot
about the war on the coronavirus,
but can you tell us what the war
on mayonnaise is all about?
-Slowing the spread, stopping the spread.
-What did you say when Eric and Don Jr. where little
and they got lost in the mall?
-I didn't see 'em. I didn't look for 'em, either.
-How's your cholesterol, these days?
-In the 400s, 300s, and sometimes even in the 500s.
-Is it true you can't spell Massachusetts?
-Same thing with Michigan, same thing with Illinois.
-Not sure if you're the right person to ask this question.
Who grows that baby corn
you find in Chinese food?
-Smaller farmers.
-President Trump, how would you describe
your relationship with chicken McNuggets?
-They like me and I like them.
-President Trump, what do they play
on KTU 103.5 FM, The Beat of New York?
-The monster hits.
-Mr. President, if you were a magician,
what would you call yourself?
-The Great Pandemic.
-There's a lotta rumors, Mr. President,
but is it true you're sending killer bees to different cities?
-6.6 million to New York and New Jersey,
1.8 million to Chicago,
1.7 million to Detroit,
and 837,000 to New Orleans.
-Mr. President, can you talk a little
about the weed gummies you've been taking?
-They're very high-quality.
I said, "You gotta go for the quality,"
and these are quality.
-What's the name of that show
with Stewie, the baby?
-Smart guy. -No, that's not it.
-Good guy.
-No.
The dad's name is...
-Peter. -Right, and that guy
in the wheelchair? -Joe.
-Okay, so you've clearly seen it.
-Smart guy.
-[ Sigh ] Whatever, fine.
What do you think they would've called it
if a guy named Nathan invented the World Wide Web?
-The Internate.
-What are your thoughts
on the figure-four leg lock?
-A very powerful hold.
-Mr. President, what do you say
when you sit down at a restaurant,
but the place mat doesn't have a maze on it?
-Hopefully, it's on the other side.
-Mr. President, can you describe your sons in five words?
-Tremendous glut of oil.
-Who invented meatballs?
-Sweden did that.
-What's your favorite Kurt Russell movie?
-Big trouble right next door.
-What was your nickname in high school?
-I was called racist.
-What's your favorite British boy band?
-Strong direction.
-What would you say about the testicles
featured in "America's Funniest Home Videos?"
-They're getting hit very, very hard.
-As fast as you can, what's the name
of the Hunchback of Notre Dame?
-Quasi-public.
-President Trump, when's the last time you ate a vegetable?
-1917.
-We have time for one more question.
Mr. President, what did you get inscribed
on the inside of Melania's wedding ring?
-People cheat.
-Well, it looks like we're outta time.