can you tell me some of the things that happened to bring you into hospital?
you mean at the very beginning?
The first time I passed out at the hospital I was 16. I had an appendectomy and they were
taking the clamps out of my side of my post op but I don't know if that was
psychological or pain or what...the next time I passed out was when my son was born
in the hospital. I was in the labor room with my wife I passed out
I got sick in my stomach
several years, from the time i was 16 to the time I was 22,
was that years six years interval there?
but I was not aware of anything function normally
after I passed out when Steve was born
oh it was, I don't know, several months later
I passed out again in the hospital visiting an uncle. it was very warm
and I was standing and I think I got sick in my stomach and excused myself
in the room without telling them why and went out to the hall to get some more water and I passed out
and that's...so from then on I knew something was wrong
so I just said, I'll eliminate hospitals
and the family doctor said it was psychological then.
well I didn't resent it or anything I just didn't believe it and
I just I eliminated things one by one that I couldn't do
but I got to the point where I started building back
it's difficult
what's difficult about it??
to tell it, to talk about it
what effect does it have on you?
I feel like I'm gonna pass out (still?)...yes, reviewing it
I feel I'm pinned in I'm pinned down
it wouldn't be so...I could do it freer or with more ease if we were in my room, in my surroundings
I'm in different surroundings I'm not used to it.
why the difference?
this I don't know
I'm just uncomfortable
anyway
when we moved to Meridian 10 years ago and I went into television
I was at about my lowest ebb. I couldn't function except just go to work and come home
but after we moved to Meridian, it was I suppose good therapy for me
to get away from Nashville and the influences of past, childhood, a rather unhappy experience in radio
and TV was what I wanted. and I was enjoying it
I was enjoying it I was trying some success and I was able to get back to
what I would say, normal or average
adding back to my activity the things that I had cut off such
such as eating out, going to shows that type thing
I think then three years ago I got to the point where I was willing to make a talk in church
I say I was willing I'll have to retract that. I was not willing. they asked me to
and I said no. and they said oh you're an announcer you can make a talk in church
rather than to argue with them or reason with them I just went and said okay
but it was against my will and about five minutes into the talk I passed out
this was three years ago and since then I haven't been able to add back these things
I know when there's something I really don't want to do
I can I can usually find a way out
and I have more difficulty in day-to-day activity
I have more difficulty doing something when I don't want to do it
when there's something that I genuinely want to do here
irregardless of whether it's going to present a problem for me or not
if I want to do it, I have less difficulty doing it
whereas if I'm called on to do something that I don't want to do
I'll have more difficulty. And if it's extreme enough and I can't get out of it
I'll provide my own escape of passing out
and you feel that you want help?
yes I I have consulted dr. Hightower psychiatrist privately
from last April year ago, until January of this year, three days a week
I showed some improvement, but not enough to continue on financially, I just had to stop I
I stopped the first of the year
about three or four months ago I started consulting a social worker in Meridian that I know personally who's on the staff of East Mississippi
she has done me actually more good in the last 3-4 months then I did in the nine-months consulting the psychiatrist
this is not taking anything away from the psychiatrist
I don't know why I didn't show very...he we didn't uncover very much
do you think that you have a psychiatric problem
and that this is what is causing symptoms
yes
for a while, years and years ago I thought it was organic or...
after I started passing out, I said, well I'm either an epileptic
or I have a brain tumor or something like this
but I've been examined so many times and I know I'm not epileptic, I don't have a tumor...it's all psychological. I know it is
if I met you on the street the last thing and the latest thing that's been bothering me is my inability to stand
if I met you on the street or in the hall, and had to stand and talk with you, just stand there, I couldn't do it I pass out
I would have to find a place to sit down. this is now going on at work
in my administrative work when I meet a fellow employee who is coming to ask me something
or something of that nature. when I meet them in the hall, I'll say, come in the office let's talk about it
this will give me an opportunity to sit at my desk and they can sit in a chair and we can discuss it
some days I feel pretty good and I'm not bothered with this
other days it's very severe, other days noticeable. it varies
some days I feel that I could do pretty much anything
other days like today I'm...this is down day as I call it
tomorrow might be up day I don't know
I learned that I don't have much facility for showing anger, or I won't show anger
i try to pretend that everything is just going all fine, that I won't accept anger I suppose
I accept it but I store it up, and I won't express it
They....dr. Davis is repeated several times I've never noticed any anger out of you this week
I've insisted that there hasn't been anything to make me mad
and he said there must be some things
and when I stop and really look at it way down, why, I do realize that I don't show my anger
have you been able to change at all in this respect?
yeah I told him this morning I was pretty mad
because I want to go home next weekend and I can't get up commitment out of him
but just like then, when I said yeah I'm mad I laughed
instead of showing anger I laughed
i realize I'm doing this, but I fail really completely to see how
that can make me...can cause my trouble
but I'm sure it can
oh definitely, I think my outlook is better
my mobility might not be any better, but my outlook much better
and I'm understanding other things a little better
what do you think about this suggestion concerning anger?
I accept it, I believe it
you mentioned that you couldn't make the connection between, say, being angry and the symptoms?
I'm sure it must be true
I haven't been able to see the exact connection
I'm perfectly willing to accept it and I believe it
as yet, it hasn't, the full realization hasn't hit me that this is what's causing my problem
why do you think you tense now?
now?
yes
I'm just generally apprehensive
I don't know how long I'm going to be here, I don't know what you're going to ask me
and feel with what I just learned maybe I'm afraid you're going to ask me something that'll make me mad
why would you be afraid of that?
I wouldn't want to let you know that I was mad is it no this this isn't
this is the problem, and my inability to show anger
is that I don't want the other person to know that I'm mad so I try to cover it up
and the reason I don't want you to know that I would be mad
is because I feel that if I let you know that you had made me mad then you wouldn't like me
it's up it's a childlike "like" thing
"...to hell with your tests" I can't, do that but really that's what I want to do
why can't you say this
well I know I have to do it
and neither do I want to hurt anybody's feelings
why not?
well this is light not well this is the key to my problem it seems
I don't want to...I don't want people angry at me
I want people to accept, me I don't want any rejection anywhere
and it looks like I'm fighting a losing battle and they're about to convince me that this is an impossible attitude keep maintaining
do you think you can still be liked and accepted, and yet express some of this anger?
no, no, this is what I haven't been able to accept yet
if I get very angry at someone I expect them to not accept me for it
whereas you can express your anger to someone and you feel like they will accept you and they do
but I don't have that ability or I haven't acquired it yet
I have the capacity to learn this I'm sure but it's taking a while to learn
how did you feel in relation this interview ?
for some reason I wasn't too keen on it this time
heretofore or last week it didn't bother me
this week it bothering me a little
anything in particular about it that bothers you?
nothing other than I'm just pinned down here for a while
if I should suddenly want to get up and go get a drink of water or something
i don't feel that I'm free to do that
the tape is running and it would create a little chaos
they'd have to shut down and then fire it back up
and I've had some experiences with this and I know I know how aggravating it is to have to stop and then start again
so this being pinned down you said?
yes, this is part of my problem
in fact I place more emphasis on being pinned down in a given situation
than I do people making me nervous although people do make me nervous
was this so in some of the other situations that you'd mentioned to me, and your fears of hospitals?
yes, i'm pinned in, see i'm up here on the seventh floor I can't get out rapidly if I...
or if I go in a building somewhere, I'm enclosed, I can't escape