Translator: Nicoletta Pedrana Reviewer: Michele Gianella
I've been a sex columnist for years.
A sex columnist
writes about sex and relationships in magazines.
The aim is to destroy, dismantle stereotypes and taboos
that have always been interconnected to our sexual and relationship life.
We do this by writing about sex, porn, sex toys, new trends;
we do this by interviewing experts and experts;
we do this by reporting our own experiences.
The aim is to normalize healthy, truthful sexuality,
which is very different from what we're used to.
In fact, in porn movies, especially mainstream porn,
by hearsay,
sexuality is told as if it was the expression
of a society made and formed by superheroes.
And it proceeds by phrases, by role-playing.
For example, remember the beginning of that questionable film
called “He's just not that into you”
where a child pushes a baby to the ground,
and she runs crying to her mother,
and the mother says:
“Don't worry, don't worry.
he did that because he likes you.
That's exactly what I'm talking about:
this is where the drama begins.
We live sexuality by wearing masks,
and the role of sex writers in the newspapers
is precisely to remove them,
looking for a contact with those who read us
so that you can dismantle
the beliefs that over the years we have introjected
and the superstructures that maintain them.
And those are the ones that have always made us think
men come from Mars and women from Venus.
I had introjected a lot of things, also,
so much so that the first time I was offered a job
as a sex columnist for a male newspaper
I wondered, "But will a woman - will talking about sex to men work?
Are we going to speak the same language? Will we have a point of contact?
Will we be able to build mutual trust?”
I've been carrying all these doubts with me for a long time,
from the first time I saw
specialized newspapers for men and for women
separated into a gender binary
which leaves absolutely no room for imagination.
Men weren't writing but in the newspapers for men;
women on those for women.
Male stuff, female stuff; no point of contact at all.
I also remember some articles in these newspapers,
and the titles we could find were more or less like:
“How to always be sexy for your husband.”
Or, “What should a man do that never ask."
I mean, the stereotype festival.
But here we come to the point.
What do we talk about, when we talk about stereotypes?
And specifically, what do we talk about when we talk about gender stereotypes?
Gender stereotypes are a set of beliefs,
socially transmitted and shared,
on what the role should be, the physical appearance,
the moral qualities of a person
according to their gender.
The stereotype would serve, in theory, to simplify -
in a way that, as we will see, is as superficial as imprecise -
the reality around us.
Let's take an example: if I say “baby” to you,
you will automatically match pink and long hair;
if I say "baby” to you,
you will match blue and short hair.
Now, these simplifications are inaccurate,
as they don't consider the evolution of the social group they refer to,
nor that of the world around them.
But most importantly,
these simplifications don't consider the individuality of the individual,
which is much more important.
The goal, in fact, of stereotypes
is to crystallize a certain category of people
within a society that, however, is projected towards the future,
is constantly evolving;
and this is where the inaccuracy of the stereotype is born.
Among the gender stereotypes, the most common are certainly
those concerning moral qualities
that men and women should have in order to be considered valid.
So, if I think of a man, what will I get?
I'll have strength, manhood, aggression, even sexual.
If I think of a woman, though,
I'll think romance, emotion, passivity - even sexual.
These simplifications create real monsters
in the birth of relationships
that grow in a heterologous perspective.
And this is because patriarchal society,
which is based on these stereotypes,
wants us to believe that men and women, so different on paper,
are unable to communicate with each other,
that they cannot cooperate - indeed, that they must compete -
and that the interests of one cannot be shared by the other,
and vice versa.
The drift of this, which we will call "the theory of incommunicability",
leads to the birth of what is called toxic masculinity,
and that overwhelmingly afflicts both sexes.
Expectations of success - manhood, fame, strength, hypersexuality
that we have against the male gender
are the common denominator of this behavioral drift.
Performance is everything,
and performance increases
in all those situations of community
where the participants are all males.
Think of Telegram's chats, for example,
where non-consensual exchange of intimate material takes place.
Women, in this perspective of toxicity,
are perceived as the famous "second sex":
like slaves, objects, prey.
Toxic masculinity
requires constant alignment with gender stereotypes,
which is the ability to perform.
To be performative, we need to adopt behaviors
which include: completely denying emotions;
having an appearance of stoicism in all aspects of life;
but above all, embracing violence as an indicator of power
in our relationships with the world around us.
As a obvious consequence,
the drift of these behaviors
leads to the birth of the so-called gender violence.
Instead,
those who don't fit in these codes are removed from the group,
and will have serious problems integrating into certain social contexts,
especially relational.
Toxic masculinity is cured by two things:
contact and sharing.
Because without contact and participation, we will continue to think
that men are hunters coming from Mars -
a planet called like a god of war: beautiful, but I wouldn't live there -
and women are their slaves, their passive prey.
We need to start reformulating
the very language we use to call relationships,
which is more adequate for a hunting trip,
for war.
There are no prey, no hunters,
we're not boarding, it's not a battlefield.
To rephrase this language,
we have to occupy what have always been the spaces
where these stereotypes found fertile ground.
And so, enough with male magazines written only by men.
Let's open women's magazines to new, unfettered voices.
Let's stop with the seduction gurus, the guides for alpha males,
the decalogues on women who must always be sexy.
Let's stop believing
that the only valid male relationships are aggressive ones
and that the only valid females are passive ones.
We need to rewrite a common, free emotional language.
I've been a sex columnist for so many years,
and I share female sexuality with male readers.
And I would like that to become normal in everyday life,
so that you no longer need professional figures like mine.
Because they have always told us
that men and women don't understand each other,
and I assure you
that there is no greater lie that has ever been written or told.
We need to teach children how to process emotions:
let's free the girls from the sense of passivity;
let's communicate our desires without shame, without taboo;
let's demand sex education lessons, and consensus education,
in our sons and daughters' schools.
Let's look for a contact,
let's break down judgment and seek a contact;
for at the end of the day, that's what will free people.