I haven't mentioned this gentlemen for a while,
but I do need to discuss him tonight.
We have an associate producer, you may know him.
He's on our show and his name is Jordan Schlansky.
Yeah, we'll insert some booing there.
Anyway, for as long as I can remember,
Jordan's office has been an embarrassing mess.
Well, earlier this year,
just before our studio was shut down
by the COVID-19 pandemic,
I mean, literally like two weeks before,
I called in some big names to tackle a renovation
of Jordan's office, okay?
We were gonna make this a great remote.
We brought a camera crew, we even screened what we shot
for an audience back in March, literally one
of the last audiences we had before COVID shut us down.
Then the lockdown hit and we had to delay
completing Jordan's office renovation, until now.
(audience applauding)
As you know, I worked with a guy named Jordan Schlansky
who is a terrible slob.
Just a pig, his office is a mess,
I've tried many times to clean it up,
and it's dirty again, immediately.
I'm sick of it, I give up.
That's why I brought in the big guns,
The Property Brothers.
We're glad to be here, I mean this really shows
that as his employer, how much you care about him.
Oh, no, I'm happy if he dies tomorrow.
Hello. Hi.
Have you met the Property Brothers?
No I have not.
Usually I stand when people come into the room
and I greet them, I think that's more polite.
Would you like to stand?
I'm comfortable the way I am.
We've offered to do this for free to help you,
and this is taking up a fair bit of our time,
because I mean, look at the space.
This is a lot to tackle and we're here
to actually add some features that really
make this the pimped out space that you would like to have.
I don't want to put anything in here.
I didn't initiate this whole practice at all.
Let's put this politely, I'm not asking you,
I'm telling you, we're going to get clean up this space,
Okay. because you represent Conan,
and I am known for class, I am known for aesthetics,
I'm known for or a high level of design.
Look, you gentlemen clearly have an agenda.
I'm going to remain passive in this situation.
Why don't you proceed to do what you intend.
Oh my God. We're giving you
an office upgrade. Is that what you say
before you're molested (laughing)?
(audience laughing)
For God's sake.
You'd last long in prison.
Well, you gentlemen have an agenda,
I will remain passive, and you do as you please.
What's a couple things about yourself
that would help us understand what's important to you?
What are your interests?
I'm a deep thinker.
I explore inward, as well as outward.
Let me help you, you love Italy, do you not?
I do. I got married
in Italy, so I mean, I know Italy very well.
You say you got married in Italy,
therefore you know Italy very well.
Are those two things necessarily connected?
You're weird.
I did my research. He was sharing with you.
What about something very cool,
like, I don't know, like a pasta station?
Yes, a food area where they would
be making you fresh pasta in your office.
Would you like that?
The problem with eating carbohydrates on their own
without protein, fat, and fiber to balance them out
is that creates a spike in blood sugar.
Then the pancreas secretes insulin to remove the sugar
from the blood, that sugar is stored as fat.
The body is a very efficient mechanism and you don't want
to waste that energy.
So you don't like Italy?
Personal grooming is very important to you.
You like to shave the body,
shave the face? Sure, I respect
the human body that we've all been given
and I like to present it in its best possible condition.
Well you know what?
We share some traits.
I take care, yes.
I mean I have no hair. He's lasered his whole body.
Let me see, you actually
shave your body. I've no, no lasered it.
I lasered it.
I believe in just having
regular dude hair. Have you removed
the hair from your chest?
I lasered twice.
Yeah, it doesn't seem consistent with the hair
on your legs.
No. In fact, all three of us
have modified our body hair.
In this scenario, you're the odd man out.
I believe in letting it grow.
It looks like a copper Brillo pad beneath my belt,
and that's my way of going because I've been in a very,
very long marriage, and well, I think enough said.
(audience laughing)
Why do you have?
OMG.
[Conan] Why do you have this here?
This is a toilet stool.
It ensures proper orientation of the puborectalis muscle,
which is the muscle that maintains continence.
So, this is like a Squatty Potty knockoff.
No, this is a Squatty Potty.
Of course it is. This is their
luxurious model, it's made of bamboo
as opposed to a lower quality plastic.
Why is it still in the box?
I haven't unpacked and assembled it yet.
I have a feeling he uses it and then puts it back
in the box.
It's the only thing that's organized in this office.
Hold on a second.
Why do you have two of them?
Why do you have two?
Hey, do you go up to people in the subway and say,
"How about a little side-by-side pooping?"
What about a toilet?
Could we put a toilet in this space, so he could...
He might literally never leave.
Would you be willing to evacuate your bowels in here
if there was a toilet?
I don't do that in the workplace.
How do you, you save it up for all day?
Like you save up for 10 hours?
My body's on a natural rhythm.
I've taken great steps to ensure the natural
digestive rhythm of my body.
I take a probiotic supplement. What are you saying?
Are you being serious?
You don't defecate at work?
You can't control your bodily functions?
What, you can't what?
When he loses it, it's great.
No, it's not, the way he laughs his eyebrows get so crazy.
(audience laughing)
No, I don't need to come to the workplace
and evacuate my bowels. That is not healthy,
when you have to go, you have to go.
I don't have to go.
So you have never pooped at work?
No.
That's insane, that's crazy.
How do you plan that out?
My body follows a natural rhythm, it's almost circadian.
I'm surprised that you are caught unaware so often.
Do you defecate at work?
Jordan, all people eventually, first of all,
I'm a celebrity, and as they will tell you,
we just don't defecate at all.
No. No, no.
But you as a person, everyone does.
How many times a week would you say you defecate at work?
Well, I think you're talking about a very,
this is a disgusting topic.
Well, I didn't initiate the topic.
You're the one that introduced the topic
by having not one, but two bamboo Squatty Potty.
So before the show is when you'll normally
evacuate your bowels, if you need to?
I've done it during the show, back,
that's why we had a desk.
And one of the investors in the film
came from Council Bluffs, Iowa to help us make the movie.
Which consisted of him in a Brooks Brothers suit
in a cornfield.
Would you evacuate your bowels here in the privacy
of your own room, if we had sort
of like a prison toilet here?
I wouldn't evacuate my bowels in this workplace,
whether there was, or was not a toilet in this office.
I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not defecate, Sam I am.
Decorative elements, do you have any thoughts?
Yeah, I mean if you want this to really embrace
your passion for Italy, maybe like a,
like a marble statue or something like that.
That'd be fantastic.
No, I don't see the value in that,
I'm sorry. Well, then that would
be a yes.
Look at that. Look at that.
(baroque music)
And that is the size.
Conan came in early and measured it out.
Actually, I'd be happy with that.
[Jonathan] I mean, it looks pretty nice, eh?
Jordan, congratulations, and now do the thing
other humans do, which is thank Jonathan and Drew
for their help.
Thank you. Pleasure.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Look forward to seeing your face when we're all done.
Okay.
Normally this is where we'd show you
our 3D computer animation and talk about
how the renovation would proceed.
Yeah, but our big plans for Jordan's office,
that went out the window when the pandemic hit.
In fact, since Conan's Warner Brothers studio closed down,
and was abandoned by humans over five months ago,
Jordan's office was turned into a breeding ground for rats,
raccoons, and the nine banded armadillo.
(upbeat music)
[Drew] As a result, Jordan's office has been condemned
by the city of Burbank, which forced us
to rethink our renovation.
First, we're gonna return Jordan to his office,
then re-imagine the entryway by sealing it up
with beautiful reclaimed brick, imported from Tuscany,
giving Jordan's final resting place the Italian style
and look he craves.
So Jordan will be sealed off from all human contact
and run out of oxygen pretty quickly, is that right?
Mm, two hours tops.
Fantastic.
Oh my God, this is exactly what I dreamed it would be.
I'm not sure about Jordan, but Conan seems pretty happy
about the outcome.
He does, oh actually Conan,
something we're extremely happy about,
it's the "Brother Versus Brother," premiere on HGTV.
Very smooth segue.
I try.
[Both] Thanks Conan.