♪♪
-Let's get to the news.
According to a new report, top Democrats
are starting to worry that President Biden
will run for re-election in 2024,
specifically this top Democrat.
[ As Biden ] "Oh, do I have to?"
[ Laughter ]
After the House committee investigating
the Capitol attack showed video testimony last week
of Ivanka Trump saying that she did not believe
her father's claims of election fraud,
former President Trump said that she,
"Checked out of election results."
Though to be fair, that's just what people used to do
after an election was over.
[ Laughter ]
The House committee investigating the Capitol attack
today held its second public hearing.
They weren't going to, but then Rudy Giuliani said,
"Make it a double." [ Laughter ]
Fox News today also aired coverage
of the House January 6th committee's second hearing.
Said Fox News viewers, "Bam, I'm on TV!"
[ Laughter ]
"Remember that thing?"
[ Cheers and applause ]
Police in Idaho on Saturday arrested 31 members
of the white supremacist group Patriot Front
after they were discovered inside of a U-Haul truck
near an LGBTQ Pride event.
And based on the photo, I assume
Patriot Front is a style of khakis?
[ Laughter ]
You got flat front, pleated front,
and Patriot Front.
And, uh, those only come in extra small.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, you thought they were packed into that U-Haul.
[ Laughter ]
The Labor Department announced on Friday
that inflation has hit a new 40-year high.
You will now pay the same amount
for a banana at the grocery store
as you used to pay for a banana at an airport Starbucks.
[ Laughter ]
"Forbes" magazine announced last week
that golfer Tiger Woods is officially a billionaire,
leaving him no choice but to start a company
to launch him into space.
[ Laughter ]
The Tony awards were held last night,
and "A Strange Loop" won Best Musical.
It's the musical adaptation of my penis.
No! [ Laughter ]
I'm not doing that joke. [ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, Ikea in Norway has launched
an online baby-name generator based on its product line.
They just figured you should have something from Ikea
that lasts more than a year.
In an interview with CNN last night,
White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre was asked
if President Biden's age or stamina
will be a challenge in his reelection bid.
Said Jean-Pierre, "No,
everything else will."
[ Laughter ]
President Biden criticized large corporations
for keeping prices high to boost profits,
in a speech last week, and said,
"Exxon made more money than God last year."
Worse, they made it by selling a natural resource,
so that's technically God's money.
[ Laughter ]
During her opening statement
at yesterday's hearing on the Capitol attack,
Republican Representative Liz Cheney said that
an "apparently inebriated Rudy Giuliani
told former President Trump
to falsely claim he won on election night."
To be fair, his legal advice
doesn't get any better when he's sober.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Are you drunk again?"
[ As Giuliani ] Trust me, it's just as bad.
[ Laughter ]
During yesterday's congressional hearing, it was revealed
that Donald Trump Jr.'s fiancée, Kimberly Guilfoyle,
was paid $60,000 to speak at the rally before the Capitol attack.
Well, technically, $20,000 to speak
and then $40,000 to please stop.
[ Laughter ]
When asked if he will support
the bipartisan gun legislation framework,
Republican Senator Mike Braun said he was open to it,
but added he was, "interested to see
where the NRA is on it,"
which is a little like saying you're open to eating healthier,
but are interested to see how Oreos feel about it, first.
[ Laughter ]
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi over the weekend appeared
on an episode of "RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars."
Either that, or she didn't, and that person should win.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I mean --
[ Cheering and applause ]
Mick Jagger announced yesterday
he tested positive for the coronavirus
and Keith Richards announced that's the only thing
he's tested negative for.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Beyoncé recently deleted her profile pictures
on all social media platforms.
I just hope I can remember what Beyoncé looks like.
[ Subdued laughter ]
Former President Trump turned 76 today,
so now, he's really asking everyone to stop the count.
[ Laughter and groans ]
That's right, today was former President Donald Trump's
76th birthday. Pretty impressive --
76, and he can still get an insurrection.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
That man was our president!
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, rapper Snoop Dogg recently tweeted
that the full-time blunt roller he hired
now makes up to $50,000 a year,
which has to be the smallest salary she's ever made.
[ Laughter and ohs ]
I bet they're beautifully rolled.
[ Laughter ] I bet they're beautifully, artisanally rolled.
President Biden sent a letter today
to oil companies and called on them
to produce more in order to alleviate high prices.
So if you needed more proof that he's an old man,
he still thinks you can get things done with a letter.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
According to a new poll,
President Biden's approval rating is at 40%,
meaning that his approval rating
is the only thing inflation hasn't touched.
[ Laughter ]
Republicans Senator Tom Cotton reportedly met yesterday
with two dozen of his top donors
to discuss a potential 2024 presidential campaign
and said that former President Trump's candidacy
wouldn't prevent him from running,
only from winning.
[ Laughter ]
After recent congressional testimony
claimed that he was drunk on the night of the 2020 election,
Rudy Giuliani tweeted yesterday
that he had refused all alcohol that evening
and only drank Diet Pepsi,
although being drunk sounds like the reason you give
for drinking Diet Pepsi.
"Dude, I was so messed up last night,
I drank a Diet Pepsi."
[ Laughter ]
The K-pop group BTS announced yesterday
that they're going on an indefinite hiatus.
Said President Biden, "Aw, man!
They're gonna blame me for this, too."
[ Laughter ]
Elon Musk tweeted today
that he just voted Republican for the first time,
but only because there were no candidates running as Sith.
[ Laughter ]
Microsoft today formally shut down Internet Explorer.
Well, technically, it just shut down itself
and then they couldn't restart it.
[ Laughter ]
A man in the UK recently got a tattoo on his feet
that looks like a pair of shoes.
Said the man, "It hurt, but not as much as the underwear."
[ Gasps, laughter ]
"There's just so much white."
Authorities in Michigan recently discovered
an alligator in the front seat of a car
during a traffic stop.
Even crazier, driver's side.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a cooking duo on TikTok
set a Guinness World Record
by creating the world's largest chicken nugget.
Now, for the bad news.
[ Crowd groans ]
Scollins!
The White House today announced plans to form a task force
to combat online harassment.
Go to their website to check out the announcement,
but head's up -- do not read the comments.
Dr. Anthony Fauci tested positive yesterday
for a breakthrough case of the coronavirus.
Wow. Fauci is like COVID's final boss.
This is like hearing
that the Coyote caught the Roadrunner.
Also, you caught it now?
You made it through all that time
in the maskless Trump White House
and you caught it now?
That's like running a triathlon with no problems
and then throwing your back out petting a dog.
[ Laughter ]
Florida yesterday became the only state
to skip pre-ordering doses of the coronavirus vaccine
for young children.
To be fair, Florida doesn't have children.
[ Laughter ]
Authorities in New York this week
seized more than a dozen Weed World Candies trucks
because some owed more than half a million dollars
in parking tickets.
Said the drivers, "Parking?
[ Laughter ]
We thought we were speeding."
[ Laughter ]
Organizers of a British music festival
announced that rapper Lil Wayne will no longer perform
after he was denied entry into the UK
because on his health form screening,
he put down that he was Weezy.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, it's not great, but it tracks.
And finally, producers of the upcoming "Barbie" movie
released a picture yesterday of actor Ryan Gosling as Ken
with bleached blond hair and a six pack abs,
and in homage to the original toy,
his head was facing the wrong way.
[ Laughter ]
And that was a monologue, everybody!